News flash

POLITICS

2016 Olympics awarded to the United States

After years of preparation and months of speculation a source close to the International Olympic Committee said today that the United States had been awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic games. While many rejoiced throughout the presumed host city of Chicago IOC chairman Jacques Rogge made a surprising announcement.

"While the IOC has awarded the 2016 Games to the United States they will not be contested in Chicago," said Rogge. "We would never stage an Olympiad in such a cruel, vulgar place as Chicago; instead we have awarded the games to Billings, Montana. I think that the rural locale is just what the Olympics need. And I've heard that Billings is a beautiful ranch town to boot."

Numerous groups are understandably confused about the announcement.

"What the hell has Billings done for anybody?" said an anonymous Chicago 2016 supporter named Bill Swerski.

SPORTS

NBA referees to be locked out for upcoming season

After months of tense negotiations the NBA Officials Union announced this afternoon that it is "almost 100% certain" that they will be locked out. However the players and coaches were quite upbeat upon hearing the news.

"It's about fucking time," said Gilbert Arenas. "They gotta learn that its tough being a part of the NBA. Besides after all that they've done to me they deserve it."

Eastern Conference kingpin LeBron James gave his thoughts as well.

"As the incomparable six-time WWE title holder John Cena once said, 'If you ain't part of the solution, then you part of the problem' and the refs were part of the problem"

Numerous names have come up in the race to find replacement officials. The most notable names are Tim Donaghy, Mike Breen, and Phil Luckett

College Football Game Preview

This weeks game between the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences and the Alabama School of Science is one of the most hyped games in Southern Athletic Conference history.
The annual battle for the Big Bronze Jugs enters its 100th year with T.I.T.S leading A.S.S. 58-40-2.

Players to Watch for T.I.T.S:

Jerry Yabo, QB: In his final chance to beat A.S.S. Yabo has vowed to throw for 300 yards and three touchdowns. If Yabo can duplicate his 438 yard, 5 TD performance against Arkansas last week then A.S.S. will be in trouble all day.

Gus Zonga, DT: If this Bednarik Award winner can slip through the cracks in the A.S.S. line he might be able to break his school record of 5 sacks in a single game.


Players to Watch for A.S.S:

Dickie Butts, RB: This true freshman tailback with 4.3 speed has the skill and speed needed to split the T.I.T.S. defense in two.

For both T.I.T.S and A.S.S. this game will be their opener in the SAC, and it should be a high-scoring affair.

Prediction: T.I.T.S. 42, A.S.S. 35