Tuesday's News

POLITICS



John McCain names Larry the Cable Guy his running mate.



It looks like the Republicans want to Git er Done as GOP nominee, John McCain, named famous redneck comedian, Larry the Cable Guy his running mate.

"He's young and hip," said McCain, "He'll help us attract the young, urban crowd."

"YEEHA!!" said Larry, "We're gonna Git er Done in DC!"


Barack Obama's acceptance speech will be sponsored by Grape Soda

SPORTS

Vladimir Guerrero sprains his right elbow

Los Angles Angels outfielder, Vladimir Guerrero, was placed on the 15-day disabled list after spraining his elbow while stroking himself excessively (masturbating).

"Its tough for me," said Guerrero, "Guys have needs you know, and I'm to ugly to find a girl to fulfill them. Sorry coach."

Olympic Review

We here at Real News followed the Games of the 29th Olympiad very closely. We apologize for the lack of updates but if I recall correctly we previewed the Olympics and you were supposed to cover them. We're not placing blame but you know who you are. Any who here is our review of the Olympic Games.



SWIMMING
MICHAEL PHELPS!!!

TRACK AND FIELD
USAIN BOLT!!!

BASKETBALL
We reminded the world where the sport was created.

EVERY OTHER SPORT
We didn't care!

Thank you for reading.

President Bush to send 10,000 troops to Georgia

President George W. Bush shocked the world by saying that he would commit 10,000 military troops to help kick the Russians out of Georgia.
"We will not stop until all the Georgian land has been reclaimed," said President Bush, "The troops will arrive in Atlanta tomorrow morning."

Jason Giambi goes Girl

New York Yankees first baseman, Jason Giambi, has credited his recent hitting streak to his newest superstitution: A sex change.
Giambi underwent the operation a week ago and his teammates have remained nonchalant about it.
"His balls were minute ever since he started taking his 'Vitamin B12' six years ago," said fellow Yankee, Derek Jeter, "It was like nothing changed".

Scientists Release Their Top 7 Discoveries from the First Half of 2008

A group of top scientists, financial advisers, Harvard graduates, and other smart people released their top seven discoveries from the first half of 2008.

1: Weed is healthy for you as long as you don't smoke it.
2: The easiest way to stay out of debt is to not spend money.
3: AIDS is bad.
4: Fuck Y*le.
5: The chicken came a month before the egg.
6: Blind people can't enjoy television.
7: A computer mouse can be classified as a rodent.

Olympic Preview

We at Real News are committed to giving you coverage of the Olympics. So we are going to preview them and you are going to covering them.


ARCHERY
Maybe a couple of Koreans win; I really don't know or care, but hopefully it turns into the movie "Phone Booth" except with arrows and without Colin Farrell.

BADMINTON
Everyone knows that it will be two Chinese guys with one syllable names and a Korean for flavor.

BASEBALL
It will be Cuba or Japan because they actually care.

BASKETBALL
USA all the way, at least that is what Tim Donaghy's bookie says.

BOXING
People will tune in until they realize that Floyd Mayweather isn't fighting.

CYCLING
Last one doping wins.

DIVING
Should be interesting considering that the Chinese government drained the pool.

EQUESTRIAN
People on horses without the betting and without Big Brown.

FENCING
It's a tossup between Jack Sparrow and Vlad the Impaler.

FIELD HOCKEY
A bunch of women playing with short, little sticks: AKA the Pussycat Dolls with the Jonas Brothers.

GYMNASTICS
Come on; China is actually good at this, do you think that the government will let them lose?

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS
Will hopefully surpass growing grass in the ratings.

MEN'S TRAMPOLINE
GROW UP!

JUDO
Almost like the UFC, just without the ass-kicking.

MODERN PENTATHLON
All new event lineup should make it interesting: Guitar Hero, Dance Dance Revolution, bubble gum blowing contest, Rock Paper Scissors, and Russian Roulette.

ROWING
Expect hundreds of strokes.

SAILING
Also known as "The Whitest sport around".

SHOOTING
Everyone is picking Vince Vaughn in the new "Dodge Shooting" event.

MEN'S SOCCER
Brazil

WOMEN'S SOCCER
USA

SOFTBALL
America, seriously does anyone else know how to play it?

MEN'S SWIMMING
Only an idiot wouldn't pick Michael Phelps, and we are not those idiots.

WOMEN'S SWIMMING
Michael Phelps. He'll glue on some tits and still kick ass.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING
If you actually care about this sport e-mail us.

TABLE TENNIS
Do we really need to actually type in China?

TAEKWONDO
See Judo

TEAM HANDBALL
Ewwwwwwwwwwww gross.

MEN'S TENNIS
The tape of Federer v Nadal at Wimbledon.

WOMEN'S TENNIS
Serena Williams, because Venus won last time.

SPRINT RACING
Kyle Busch and Jimmie Johnson are the top two.

DISTANCE RUNNING
Whoever doesn't breathe in the air will win.

TRIATHLON
Oh well.

VOLLEYBALL
Dammit how many sports are there in this damn thing?

WATER POLO
USA should win with the likes of Big Brown in the pool.

WEIGHTLIFTING
We pick whatever team decides to use a forklift instead.

WRESTLING
John Cena is going to.....DAMN! Its "real" wrestling.

That's it for the preview. Don't forget to catch all of the Olympic action on NBC and their family of networks: USA, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, NBC Universal HD, Oxygen, and Matt Lauer's ass.

Monday Afternoon News

SPORTS

President Bush lays out plan to help Texas Rangers beat the heat

President George W. Bush called a press conference today to announce his plans to help his beloved Texas Rangers stay cool. The plan calls for covering the Ballpark at Arlington (Texas Rangers stadium) with a greenhouse dome.
"Well ya know, I know that them greenhouses help protect us from the Sun or something like that. So that's what we is gonna do to help keep the boys cool."
The Rangers are not pleased.
"What the hell? The dome makes the heat worse," said Rangers outfielder, Josh Hamilton, "Its stuff like this that makes me want to shoot up again. So I'm giving the Rangers two options: let me go or I'll play half-assed like Manny did."
"Mr. Hamilton is wrong," said the President, "Green is good and houses are good so greenhouses are super-good."

NEWS

Boston to eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet

No one was shocked when Boston's mayor, Tom Menino, announced today that Boston would eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet and it replace it with the letter "H".
"We don't use the letteh "R" at all anyway," said Menino, "But we will continue to use it when it begins a wohd."
Many Bostonians are happy with the result.
"Finally I'll be able to spell Gahden cohhectly," said local bahtendeh, Paul O'Houlihan, "Evehyone knows that the Sox play at Fenway Pahk and the Pathiots play in Foxboho. We don't know why the rest of Amehica doesn't talk and spell like us."

A letter to Manny Ramirez

Dear Manny Ramirez,



As a die-hard Boston Red Sox fan I am sad to see you depart for Los Angeles. However there are several things that L.A. has that Boston never will that you can look forward to.

I know how much you loved the fans in Boston and we loved you, but in L.A. you won't be able to love the fans because there aren't any. You also probably enjoyed stepping to the plate in the ninth inning and seeing thousands of eyes looking back at you hoping that you would come through in the clutch. In Los Angeles you will have thousands of empty plastic chairs looking at you because all in attendance leave by the seventh inning. I know how you said that Boston doesn't deserve you, but L.A. won't even care about you.

Finally be prepared to be thrown into a heated divisional race that pits two teams with losing records. So Manny have fun in Hollywood, enjoy playing in such historic stadiums as PETCO Park and Chase Field, and remember to have fun because rather than playing with Josh Beckett and David Ortiz you'll play with Andre Ethier and Shawn Kemp.

Sincerely,
Mike Abelson