Posts
NEWS
Michael Vick to become veterinarian
Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, has stated that upon his release from prison he plans on becoming a veterinarian.
"I've always loved animals", said Vick, "I want to help as many animals as I can".
Vick plans on becoming a domestic veterinarian so he can help heal his favorite animals: dogs.
ENTERTAINMENT
God and Satan to star in an upcoming episode of TLC's, Trading Spaces
TLC announced today that God and Satan would spruce up a room in the other's home on Trading Spaces.
"We are very excited to be hosting such a huge event", said TLC executive Tim Despain, "I hope that everything turns out well".
God and Satan have both made explicit demands as to what the other should not use in the re-decoration.
"I hate red and black", said God, "He better not put red and black in there; he owes me for putting Ben Affleck's acting career in purgatory".
"I don't want anything with angels", Satan responded, "No clouds or golden gates; I want a mural of Megadeth on the wall".
The episode will air on Friday, October 31st.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Saturday Edition
NEWS
Montana secedes from the Union
Nobody cares.
ENTERTAINMENT
Metallica to go Country
Metallica; the poster band of Metal music will transition over to Country. The band's lead singer, James Hetfield, announced today that Metallica is now all about country.
"What has metal done for us?", said Hetfield, "Going into country music will allow us to show who we really are and perform how we want to".
Metallica will headline the upcoming Countryfest festival at Gillette Stadium with Garth Brooks. Their first song will be a country remix of their hit, Enter Sandman, done on acoustic guitar.
POLITICS
Hillary Clinton gets a prostate exam
Hillary Clinton was seen leaving a Manhattan hospital today after receiving her yearly prostate exam.
Clinton's press secretary was unavailable for comment.
Montana secedes from the Union
Nobody cares.
ENTERTAINMENT
Metallica to go Country
Metallica; the poster band of Metal music will transition over to Country. The band's lead singer, James Hetfield, announced today that Metallica is now all about country.
"What has metal done for us?", said Hetfield, "Going into country music will allow us to show who we really are and perform how we want to".
Metallica will headline the upcoming Countryfest festival at Gillette Stadium with Garth Brooks. Their first song will be a country remix of their hit, Enter Sandman, done on acoustic guitar.
POLITICS
Hillary Clinton gets a prostate exam
Hillary Clinton was seen leaving a Manhattan hospital today after receiving her yearly prostate exam.
Clinton's press secretary was unavailable for comment.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Late-Night News
ENTERTAINMENT
Bill Clinton to become actor
Bill Clinton will drop out of politics and become an actor. He signed a contract with Mainline Entertainment to become its next big star.
"I am very excited about signing with Mainline", said Clinton via telephone earlier this evening, "This job will allow me to show off all of my talents".
Several other actors at Mainline were excited about the signing of Clinton.
"I'm looking forward to working with him", said Mainline actress, Jenna Jameson, "I'll get to see what he was all about".
SPORTS
Michael Jordan signs himself to the biggest contract in NBA history
Charlotte Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, signed himself to the biggest contract in NBA history: ten years, 230 million dollars.
"We needed to improve quickly", said Jordan, "And who better to improve a team than me".
The 45-year old Jordan will also sign a twenty-three million dollar signing bonus to go with his contract; all of which is guaranteed. He will also wear the third incarnation of the number 23. The former wearer of the number 23, Jason Richardson, was cut immediately following the signing of the contract.
"What the hell man?", said Richardson, "I'm eighteen years younger than Jordan; what the hell to out with the old and in with the new?"
Bobcats ownership terminated their contract with Time Warner Cable and will now call their arena the Jordan Center and all sections will be labeled MJ1, MJ2, MJ3, and so on.
For you die hard Bobcat "fan", Michael Jordan Bobcat jerseys on sale now at NBA.com and at local Charlotte outlets for 23 dollars.
NEWS
ExxonMobil buys out the Environmental Protection Agency
In an effort to curb the nation's deficit the Senate has passed a resolution to allow ExxonMobil to purchase the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).
"We needed the money", said Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, "And for 3.5 billion dollars we thought that it was a good business decision".
When EPA administrator, Christie Whitman, was asked whether or not the sale of her agency was worth it he said, "3.5 billion dollars is always worth it" and "I'm going to be dead by the time global warming takes effect. So why should I care?"
ExxonMobil has promised changes to the EPA.
"It will now be called the ExxonMobil Protection Alliance", said Exxon president, Steve Simon, "Our first act will be to drill holes for oil in Alaska, and f**k the caribou".
BUSINESS
Microsoft declares bankruptcy due to an unexpected result at the 2008 Belmont Stakes
In a fall from grace unseen since the Great Depression; Microsoft has declared bankruptcy. This comes three weeks after Bill Gates bet the entire company savings and budget on Big Brown at the 2008 Belmont Stakes.
"I made a bad choice", said Gates from his new apartment in urban Seattle, "For the first time in my life I was wrong".
As a result all but one of Microsoft's employees are broke and unemployed. The lone employee, Hal Carpenter, bet his entire life savings worth ten million dollars on Da'Tara, the 38-1 long shot who won the Belmont.
"Who is the smart businessman now?!", said Carpenter who is now worth $380 million dollars, "Suck it Bill, I'm going to take over Microsoft now".
Gates was unable to respond because he was working a double-shift at a McDonald's in Seattle.
Bill Clinton to become actor
Bill Clinton will drop out of politics and become an actor. He signed a contract with Mainline Entertainment to become its next big star.
"I am very excited about signing with Mainline", said Clinton via telephone earlier this evening, "This job will allow me to show off all of my talents".
Several other actors at Mainline were excited about the signing of Clinton.
"I'm looking forward to working with him", said Mainline actress, Jenna Jameson, "I'll get to see what he was all about".
SPORTS
Michael Jordan signs himself to the biggest contract in NBA history
Charlotte Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, signed himself to the biggest contract in NBA history: ten years, 230 million dollars.
"We needed to improve quickly", said Jordan, "And who better to improve a team than me".
The 45-year old Jordan will also sign a twenty-three million dollar signing bonus to go with his contract; all of which is guaranteed. He will also wear the third incarnation of the number 23. The former wearer of the number 23, Jason Richardson, was cut immediately following the signing of the contract.
"What the hell man?", said Richardson, "I'm eighteen years younger than Jordan; what the hell to out with the old and in with the new?"
Bobcats ownership terminated their contract with Time Warner Cable and will now call their arena the Jordan Center and all sections will be labeled MJ1, MJ2, MJ3, and so on.
For you die hard Bobcat "fan", Michael Jordan Bobcat jerseys on sale now at NBA.com and at local Charlotte outlets for 23 dollars.
NEWS
ExxonMobil buys out the Environmental Protection Agency
In an effort to curb the nation's deficit the Senate has passed a resolution to allow ExxonMobil to purchase the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).
"We needed the money", said Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, "And for 3.5 billion dollars we thought that it was a good business decision".
When EPA administrator, Christie Whitman, was asked whether or not the sale of her agency was worth it he said, "3.5 billion dollars is always worth it" and "I'm going to be dead by the time global warming takes effect. So why should I care?"
ExxonMobil has promised changes to the EPA.
"It will now be called the ExxonMobil Protection Alliance", said Exxon president, Steve Simon, "Our first act will be to drill holes for oil in Alaska, and f**k the caribou".
BUSINESS
Microsoft declares bankruptcy due to an unexpected result at the 2008 Belmont Stakes
In a fall from grace unseen since the Great Depression; Microsoft has declared bankruptcy. This comes three weeks after Bill Gates bet the entire company savings and budget on Big Brown at the 2008 Belmont Stakes.
"I made a bad choice", said Gates from his new apartment in urban Seattle, "For the first time in my life I was wrong".
As a result all but one of Microsoft's employees are broke and unemployed. The lone employee, Hal Carpenter, bet his entire life savings worth ten million dollars on Da'Tara, the 38-1 long shot who won the Belmont.
"Who is the smart businessman now?!", said Carpenter who is now worth $380 million dollars, "Suck it Bill, I'm going to take over Microsoft now".
Gates was unable to respond because he was working a double-shift at a McDonald's in Seattle.
Five O'Clock News
POLITICS
Democrats counter Republicans logo changed by replacing the donkey with the Rolling Stones tongue
Yet again senator John Kerry flip-flops on another national issue as he announced today in the Senate chambers that the Democratic Party would change its logo to the Rolling Stones tongue.
"Ever since I've been in the Senate, Americans have said that Democrats open their mouths but nothing comes out; so we decided to show that we do embody that stereotype by changing the donkey for the Rolling Stones tongue", said the Senator today.
Other Democratic congressmen have showed their support for the new logo.
"I can think of no better logo", said North Carolina Senator, John Edwards, "Nothing represents the American people better than the logo of a popular British rock band".
BUSINESS
Hookers sue Viagra for increase in elderly customers
Members of the world's oldest profession are finally speaking out about the effects of Viagra on their industry.
"There's like more old, smelly dudes", said 18-year old Candi Eyez of Newark, New Jersey, "We don't like having to give them their medicine every fifteen minutes".
Viagra's effects are being felt from coast to coast.
"We can't help them", said 22-year old Bounci Bum of Los Angeles, "After going without sex for over a decade we have to teach some of these men where to put their 'thing'. One man actually fell asleep when we were having sex".
Viagra's parent company, Pfizer, was unavailable for comment.
LAW
Man who attempted suicide gets charged with attempted first-degree murder
A Nevada man who attempted to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills with Ipecac was charged in Carson City Superior Court with attempted murder.
"There is absolutely no doubt that it was pre-meditated", said prosecution lawyer, Alan Cochrane, "Our key pieces of evidence are the four suicide notes he left prior to each suicide attempt".
The man who will be called "James" is suing Ipecac for one hundred million dollars for punitive damages.
"Their product kept me from ending my life", said James, "They should pay for a faulty product".
Ipecac CEO, Nick Buckley, says that James has no case.
"Our product is designed to cause the user to vomit in order to empty his stomach of drugs and other substances".
Democrats counter Republicans logo changed by replacing the donkey with the Rolling Stones tongue
Yet again senator John Kerry flip-flops on another national issue as he announced today in the Senate chambers that the Democratic Party would change its logo to the Rolling Stones tongue.
"Ever since I've been in the Senate, Americans have said that Democrats open their mouths but nothing comes out; so we decided to show that we do embody that stereotype by changing the donkey for the Rolling Stones tongue", said the Senator today.
Other Democratic congressmen have showed their support for the new logo.
"I can think of no better logo", said North Carolina Senator, John Edwards, "Nothing represents the American people better than the logo of a popular British rock band".
BUSINESS
Hookers sue Viagra for increase in elderly customers
Members of the world's oldest profession are finally speaking out about the effects of Viagra on their industry.
"There's like more old, smelly dudes", said 18-year old Candi Eyez of Newark, New Jersey, "We don't like having to give them their medicine every fifteen minutes".
Viagra's effects are being felt from coast to coast.
"We can't help them", said 22-year old Bounci Bum of Los Angeles, "After going without sex for over a decade we have to teach some of these men where to put their 'thing'. One man actually fell asleep when we were having sex".
Viagra's parent company, Pfizer, was unavailable for comment.
LAW
Man who attempted suicide gets charged with attempted first-degree murder
A Nevada man who attempted to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills with Ipecac was charged in Carson City Superior Court with attempted murder.
"There is absolutely no doubt that it was pre-meditated", said prosecution lawyer, Alan Cochrane, "Our key pieces of evidence are the four suicide notes he left prior to each suicide attempt".
The man who will be called "James" is suing Ipecac for one hundred million dollars for punitive damages.
"Their product kept me from ending my life", said James, "They should pay for a faulty product".
Ipecac CEO, Nick Buckley, says that James has no case.
"Our product is designed to cause the user to vomit in order to empty his stomach of drugs and other substances".
Midnight News
FINANCIAL NEWS
Due to dollar weakening against the Euro, 50 Cent is now worth nothing
Due to the increased demise of the dollar multi-platinum rapper, 50 Cent is now worth nothing.
"With the Euro being one and a half times stronger than the dollar 50 Cent has become 'Free'", said Federal Reserve Chief, Ben Bernanke, "Hopefully the economy will recover and Curtis will be able to regain his spot amongst the discount section at the dollar store".
Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson seemed to be taking the news well when questioned by Real News.
"Yo man; I got like millions of cents in my bank account. I can juzt take fi'ty of 'em and put 'em on my name", he said.
RELIGION
Due to rising energy costs, Satan has to turn off the heat in Hell
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui.
"In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Due to dollar weakening against the Euro, 50 Cent is now worth nothing
Due to the increased demise of the dollar multi-platinum rapper, 50 Cent is now worth nothing.
"With the Euro being one and a half times stronger than the dollar 50 Cent has become 'Free'", said Federal Reserve Chief, Ben Bernanke, "Hopefully the economy will recover and Curtis will be able to regain his spot amongst the discount section at the dollar store".
Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson seemed to be taking the news well when questioned by Real News.
"Yo man; I got like millions of cents in my bank account. I can juzt take fi'ty of 'em and put 'em on my name", he said.
RELIGION
Due to rising energy costs, Satan has to turn off the heat in Hell
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui.
"In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Evening News
NEWS
White House foreclosed!
One of the nation's leading mortgage lenders, Countrywide Financial, foreclosed the White House earlier today.
"We need the money", said Countrywide CEO, Daniel Archibald, "The White House needs to pay taxes like the rest of us".
President George W. Bush was shocked upon hearing the news.
"I was opening up my new coloring book when Cheney walked in and told me that we had to go", said the President via conference call, "I thought that we were going outside to look at butterflies, but instead we had to go to the ranch in Texas".
Countrywide has not explicitly stated what it will do with the property, but both Hooters and Sears are interested in acquiring the "prime piece of real estate".
BUSINESS
Wal-Mart purchases Rhode Island; plans to make mega mall
Wal-Mart stunned the retail world last night by purchasing all 1,045 square miles of Rhode Island with plans on converting it into the world's first, "Continental shopping center".
"We are going to have everything in the store", said Wal-Mart CEO, Lee Scott, "The city of Providence will remain as is but everyone else who does not live in Rhode Island will become employees of the company". Scott continued by saying that each city would be a different department. Pawtucket would become the electronics department, Lincoln would become the adult entertainment area, and Woonsocket would become a hockey rink/brothel and all of the.
"We will be finished with the transition by early 2014", said Scott.
No one in the Rhode Island state legislature was available for comment.
SPORTS
Fenway Park solicits naming rights
America's ballpark: Fenway Park, will now take on the name of the company that signed a 30-year, $450 million deal with the Henry-Werner group: KY Jelly park.
"We are very excited to brand our name upon one of America's favorite sporting venues", said KY president, Dick Hardy, "We have several exciting renovations and changes for the ballpark.
The most notable change will be KY corner. KY corner will be dedicated to Kevin Youkilis; There will be the Kevin Youkilis Slip and Slide in which the player will have to slide through KY Jelly and reach second base before being thrown out by Youk, Kevin will sign autographs two hours before every Thursday night home game, and all patrons will be able to test KY's newest products."
John Henry said that it was all financial.
"I love the name Fenway Park, but I needed to re-coup the $700 million that I spent purchasing the team and naming rights were an easy money maker".
White House foreclosed!
One of the nation's leading mortgage lenders, Countrywide Financial, foreclosed the White House earlier today.
"We need the money", said Countrywide CEO, Daniel Archibald, "The White House needs to pay taxes like the rest of us".
President George W. Bush was shocked upon hearing the news.
"I was opening up my new coloring book when Cheney walked in and told me that we had to go", said the President via conference call, "I thought that we were going outside to look at butterflies, but instead we had to go to the ranch in Texas".
Countrywide has not explicitly stated what it will do with the property, but both Hooters and Sears are interested in acquiring the "prime piece of real estate".
BUSINESS
Wal-Mart purchases Rhode Island; plans to make mega mall
Wal-Mart stunned the retail world last night by purchasing all 1,045 square miles of Rhode Island with plans on converting it into the world's first, "Continental shopping center".
"We are going to have everything in the store", said Wal-Mart CEO, Lee Scott, "The city of Providence will remain as is but everyone else who does not live in Rhode Island will become employees of the company". Scott continued by saying that each city would be a different department. Pawtucket would become the electronics department, Lincoln would become the adult entertainment area, and Woonsocket would become a hockey rink/brothel and all of the.
"We will be finished with the transition by early 2014", said Scott.
No one in the Rhode Island state legislature was available for comment.
SPORTS
Fenway Park solicits naming rights
America's ballpark: Fenway Park, will now take on the name of the company that signed a 30-year, $450 million deal with the Henry-Werner group: KY Jelly park.
"We are very excited to brand our name upon one of America's favorite sporting venues", said KY president, Dick Hardy, "We have several exciting renovations and changes for the ballpark.
The most notable change will be KY corner. KY corner will be dedicated to Kevin Youkilis; There will be the Kevin Youkilis Slip and Slide in which the player will have to slide through KY Jelly and reach second base before being thrown out by Youk, Kevin will sign autographs two hours before every Thursday night home game, and all patrons will be able to test KY's newest products."
John Henry said that it was all financial.
"I love the name Fenway Park, but I needed to re-coup the $700 million that I spent purchasing the team and naming rights were an easy money maker".
Mid-day News
NEWS
Republican Party replaces elephant logo with Roger Clemens
In a move that was expected for months, the Republican party replaced its original elephant symbol with Roger Clemens. Party officials were very pleased with the change.
"It is a great day to be a Republican", said GOP nominee John McCain, "Mr. Clemens represents the meaning of the Republican Party; he is old, angry, overpaid, and a cheater".
President George W. Bush also expressed his feelings of joy.
"Roger is from Texas just like me, and I like that", said the President.
Meanwhile the Democrats are brushing off the move as if it were nothing.
"We have a much better symbol than Roger Clemens", said Massachusetts senator, John Kerry, "The Democrats have been represented by the donkey for over a century. We don't feel the need to change it".
Roger Clemens refused to answer our questions saying that he "needed his hourly dose of vitamin B12".
ENTERTAINMENT
The FreeCreditReport.com singer reaches number one on the Billboard Top 40
Those catchy commercials for FreeCreditReport.com have really caught on as they have reached number 1 on the Billboard Top 40.
"How the hell can I compete with him?", said hip-hop star, Flo Rida, "Me and my boys are all singing about Shawty and getting crunk and then this guy comes around and is all original. My career is probably over man."
FreeCreditReport.com is extremely happy.
"It is amazing", said CEO Tim Harvey, " We have the most prominent commercial figure since the Aflac duck; it's just great".
BUSINESS
Euclidean Geometry sues the UFC over the use of the octagon
The math community is fuming over the Ultimate Fighting Championship's trademarking of 'The Octagon'.
"We can't teach it in schools anymore", said high school teacher, Shawn Clifton, "We have to say that a stop sign is a 'eight-sided polygon' rather than using the original term".
UFC president Dana White is less than gracious about licensing his term.
"If the mathematicians were dumb enough to let it go this long without trademarking the term, then screw 'em. They had their chance and they blew it".
The math community has no way to regain the use of the term 'Octagon', and reports are saying that they will replace it with "Octopusagon"
Republican Party replaces elephant logo with Roger Clemens
In a move that was expected for months, the Republican party replaced its original elephant symbol with Roger Clemens. Party officials were very pleased with the change.
"It is a great day to be a Republican", said GOP nominee John McCain, "Mr. Clemens represents the meaning of the Republican Party; he is old, angry, overpaid, and a cheater".
President George W. Bush also expressed his feelings of joy.
"Roger is from Texas just like me, and I like that", said the President.
Meanwhile the Democrats are brushing off the move as if it were nothing.
"We have a much better symbol than Roger Clemens", said Massachusetts senator, John Kerry, "The Democrats have been represented by the donkey for over a century. We don't feel the need to change it".
Roger Clemens refused to answer our questions saying that he "needed his hourly dose of vitamin B12".
ENTERTAINMENT
The FreeCreditReport.com singer reaches number one on the Billboard Top 40
Those catchy commercials for FreeCreditReport.com have really caught on as they have reached number 1 on the Billboard Top 40.
"How the hell can I compete with him?", said hip-hop star, Flo Rida, "Me and my boys are all singing about Shawty and getting crunk and then this guy comes around and is all original. My career is probably over man."
FreeCreditReport.com is extremely happy.
"It is amazing", said CEO Tim Harvey, " We have the most prominent commercial figure since the Aflac duck; it's just great".
BUSINESS
Euclidean Geometry sues the UFC over the use of the octagon
The math community is fuming over the Ultimate Fighting Championship's trademarking of 'The Octagon'.
"We can't teach it in schools anymore", said high school teacher, Shawn Clifton, "We have to say that a stop sign is a 'eight-sided polygon' rather than using the original term".
UFC president Dana White is less than gracious about licensing his term.
"If the mathematicians were dumb enough to let it go this long without trademarking the term, then screw 'em. They had their chance and they blew it".
The math community has no way to regain the use of the term 'Octagon', and reports are saying that they will replace it with "Octopusagon"
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Mid-day News Check
NEWS
Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences surpasses MIT as the number one science university in America.
The education world is still recovering from the report published today by The Princeton Review saying that the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences rated higher than the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The Review gave T.I.T.S the higher rating because of its "amazing anatomy department and state of the art biology and chemistry labs". The faculty at T.I.T.S. is very proud.
"We are finally getting credit for the work and education that goes on here in western Knoxville", said dean of anatomy, Chuck Yabo, "I think that T.I.T.S. and MIT are both the best in their given fields; MIT in physics and our university with anatomy and biology".
The faculty and students at MIT are less than gracious when talking about T.I.T.S.
"People know MIT; we have been breaking ground in the fields of physics and astronomy for years", said junior Max O'Rourke, "And now this!?! It's a travesty".
The folks at T.I.T.S. are very happy with their ranking, but they are more concerned with creating more scientific breakthroughs.
"It's very flattering to be selected number one", said Yabo, "but science will always be number one in my book".
SPORTS
Chad Johnson marries himself
Earlier this afternoon Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, Chad Johnson, married himself. The ceremony took place in Las Vegas and lasted ninety seconds.
"Well I still love my women", said Johnson, "but none were as perfect as me".
The rest of his Bengals teammates have yet to comment because they have yet to be granted parole, but we expect several to come in the near future. Chad Johnson and himself will go on their honeymoon in the Bahamas with several women in tow.
Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences surpasses MIT as the number one science university in America.
The education world is still recovering from the report published today by The Princeton Review saying that the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences rated higher than the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The Review gave T.I.T.S the higher rating because of its "amazing anatomy department and state of the art biology and chemistry labs". The faculty at T.I.T.S. is very proud.
"We are finally getting credit for the work and education that goes on here in western Knoxville", said dean of anatomy, Chuck Yabo, "I think that T.I.T.S. and MIT are both the best in their given fields; MIT in physics and our university with anatomy and biology".
The faculty and students at MIT are less than gracious when talking about T.I.T.S.
"People know MIT; we have been breaking ground in the fields of physics and astronomy for years", said junior Max O'Rourke, "And now this!?! It's a travesty".
The folks at T.I.T.S. are very happy with their ranking, but they are more concerned with creating more scientific breakthroughs.
"It's very flattering to be selected number one", said Yabo, "but science will always be number one in my book".
SPORTS
Chad Johnson marries himself
Earlier this afternoon Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, Chad Johnson, married himself. The ceremony took place in Las Vegas and lasted ninety seconds.
"Well I still love my women", said Johnson, "but none were as perfect as me".
The rest of his Bengals teammates have yet to comment because they have yet to be granted parole, but we expect several to come in the near future. Chad Johnson and himself will go on their honeymoon in the Bahamas with several women in tow.
June 25th, 2008
NEWS
New York names New York City the new state capital.
New York city mayor, Michael Bloomberg's dream of have his city become the capital of the Empire State has come true.
"I am extremely happy with the result of today's vote", said Bloomberg, "Now we can move forward towards making New York a better state.
The vote that Bloomberg mentioned was the resounding 238-19 by the legislature to remove capital status from Albany and giving it to New York City. Today's vote is the culmination of a seven month battle that began when a prominent New York congressman said that "No one really cares about Albany" and that "New York City is the heart of this state".
The citizens of Albany are taking the news rather well.
"We saw the writing on the wall years ago", said a 45-year old Albany woman, "We are still very happy to be living here in Albany".
ENTERTAINMENT
Rosie O'Donnell's mouth goes on strike
After years of arguing and bickering with one another, the mouth of Rosie O'Donnell has gone on strike.
"I'm finally free", said the mouth, "For years I've been trying to escape the bonds of Rosie. The incessant blather that spews from her mouth has depleted me of my strength and the things she does in bed with her partner have scarred me for life".
The mouth said that he would return to Rosie's face once she lost weight and cleaned up her act. In the interim the mouth can be seen at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles every Thursday night.
SPORTS
WWE now the nation's number one sport
While most say that professional wrestling isn't a sport, the Nielsen ratings don't lie; the WWE is the most popular sport in America. The most recent ratings show Monday Night Raw tripling the ratings of ESPN's Monday Night Baseball.
"It is great to see my organization getting the respect it deserves", said WWE chairman Vince McMahon, "Our sport thrives on the element of surprise. You never know who is going to win".
Major League Baseball doesn't seem too worried about being second to wrestling.
"It's only June; no one cares about baseball until Labor Day", said MLB commissioner Bud Selig.
Only time will tell.
BUSINESS
Forrest Gump takes over as Apple CEO from Steve Jobs
In a shocking move Apple chairman and CEO, Steve Jobs, stepped down today and named investor, Forrest Gump as the new CEO. Jobs said that it was time for a change, and he wanted to get out while on top.
"I want to thank Mr. Jobs for being really nice to me", said Forrest, "I'm gonna do real good with this company".
Jobs will stay on as a consultant but Mr. Gump has already said what his first change would be.
"I'm gonna start a fruit division dedicated towards making tasty apples", said Gump.
New York names New York City the new state capital.
New York city mayor, Michael Bloomberg's dream of have his city become the capital of the Empire State has come true.
"I am extremely happy with the result of today's vote", said Bloomberg, "Now we can move forward towards making New York a better state.
The vote that Bloomberg mentioned was the resounding 238-19 by the legislature to remove capital status from Albany and giving it to New York City. Today's vote is the culmination of a seven month battle that began when a prominent New York congressman said that "No one really cares about Albany" and that "New York City is the heart of this state".
The citizens of Albany are taking the news rather well.
"We saw the writing on the wall years ago", said a 45-year old Albany woman, "We are still very happy to be living here in Albany".
ENTERTAINMENT
Rosie O'Donnell's mouth goes on strike
After years of arguing and bickering with one another, the mouth of Rosie O'Donnell has gone on strike.
"I'm finally free", said the mouth, "For years I've been trying to escape the bonds of Rosie. The incessant blather that spews from her mouth has depleted me of my strength and the things she does in bed with her partner have scarred me for life".
The mouth said that he would return to Rosie's face once she lost weight and cleaned up her act. In the interim the mouth can be seen at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles every Thursday night.
SPORTS
WWE now the nation's number one sport
While most say that professional wrestling isn't a sport, the Nielsen ratings don't lie; the WWE is the most popular sport in America. The most recent ratings show Monday Night Raw tripling the ratings of ESPN's Monday Night Baseball.
"It is great to see my organization getting the respect it deserves", said WWE chairman Vince McMahon, "Our sport thrives on the element of surprise. You never know who is going to win".
Major League Baseball doesn't seem too worried about being second to wrestling.
"It's only June; no one cares about baseball until Labor Day", said MLB commissioner Bud Selig.
Only time will tell.
BUSINESS
Forrest Gump takes over as Apple CEO from Steve Jobs
In a shocking move Apple chairman and CEO, Steve Jobs, stepped down today and named investor, Forrest Gump as the new CEO. Jobs said that it was time for a change, and he wanted to get out while on top.
"I want to thank Mr. Jobs for being really nice to me", said Forrest, "I'm gonna do real good with this company".
Jobs will stay on as a consultant but Mr. Gump has already said what his first change would be.
"I'm gonna start a fruit division dedicated towards making tasty apples", said Gump.
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