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POLITICS
2016 Olympics awarded to the United States
After years of preparation and months of speculation a source close to the International Olympic Committee said today that the United States had been awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic games. While many rejoiced throughout the presumed host city of Chicago IOC chairman Jacques Rogge made a surprising announcement.
"While the IOC has awarded the 2016 Games to the United States they will not be contested in Chicago," said Rogge. "We would never stage an Olympiad in such a cruel, vulgar place as Chicago; instead we have awarded the games to Billings, Montana. I think that the rural locale is just what the Olympics need. And I've heard that Billings is a beautiful ranch town to boot."
Numerous groups are understandably confused about the announcement.
"What the hell has Billings done for anybody?" said an anonymous Chicago 2016 supporter named Bill Swerski.
SPORTS
NBA referees to be locked out for upcoming season
After months of tense negotiations the NBA Officials Union announced this afternoon that it is "almost 100% certain" that they will be locked out. However the players and coaches were quite upbeat upon hearing the news.
"It's about fucking time," said Gilbert Arenas. "They gotta learn that its tough being a part of the NBA. Besides after all that they've done to me they deserve it."
Eastern Conference kingpin LeBron James gave his thoughts as well.
"As the incomparable six-time WWE title holder John Cena once said, 'If you ain't part of the solution, then you part of the problem' and the refs were part of the problem"
Numerous names have come up in the race to find replacement officials. The most notable names are Tim Donaghy, Mike Breen, and Phil Luckett
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
College Football Game Preview
This weeks game between the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences and the Alabama School of Science is one of the most hyped games in Southern Athletic Conference history.
The annual battle for the Big Bronze Jugs enters its 100th year with T.I.T.S leading A.S.S. 58-40-2.
Players to Watch for T.I.T.S:
Jerry Yabo, QB: In his final chance to beat A.S.S. Yabo has vowed to throw for 300 yards and three touchdowns. If Yabo can duplicate his 438 yard, 5 TD performance against Arkansas last week then A.S.S. will be in trouble all day.
Gus Zonga, DT: If this Bednarik Award winner can slip through the cracks in the A.S.S. line he might be able to break his school record of 5 sacks in a single game.
Players to Watch for A.S.S:
Dickie Butts, RB: This true freshman tailback with 4.3 speed has the skill and speed needed to split the T.I.T.S. defense in two.
For both T.I.T.S and A.S.S. this game will be their opener in the SAC, and it should be a high-scoring affair.
Prediction: T.I.T.S. 42, A.S.S. 35
The annual battle for the Big Bronze Jugs enters its 100th year with T.I.T.S leading A.S.S. 58-40-2.
Players to Watch for T.I.T.S:
Jerry Yabo, QB: In his final chance to beat A.S.S. Yabo has vowed to throw for 300 yards and three touchdowns. If Yabo can duplicate his 438 yard, 5 TD performance against Arkansas last week then A.S.S. will be in trouble all day.
Gus Zonga, DT: If this Bednarik Award winner can slip through the cracks in the A.S.S. line he might be able to break his school record of 5 sacks in a single game.
Players to Watch for A.S.S:
Dickie Butts, RB: This true freshman tailback with 4.3 speed has the skill and speed needed to split the T.I.T.S. defense in two.
For both T.I.T.S and A.S.S. this game will be their opener in the SAC, and it should be a high-scoring affair.
Prediction: T.I.T.S. 42, A.S.S. 35
Friday, August 28, 2009
S.O.G. Drops the titles
ENTERTAINMENT
Notorious S.O.G. drops the titles of his album's songs
Notorious S.O.G. (aka Jesus Christ) who dropped the single "The Savia" off of his debut album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again" a few weeks ago dropped the titles of his remaining songs earlier today.
"I just wanna thank everyone who helped make this possible," said S.O.G. "Especially my girl M. Mags."
The Songs
Christ Christ Baby, f. Rob V. Winkle
Straight Outta Heaven, f. NWA
Forgot About Christ, f. Dre and Eminem
Bow Bow Pray, f. Black Eyed Peas
I Kissed Satan, f. Katy Perry
Holy Paradise, f. Coolio
Notorious S.O.G. drops the titles of his album's songs
Notorious S.O.G. (aka Jesus Christ) who dropped the single "The Savia" off of his debut album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again" a few weeks ago dropped the titles of his remaining songs earlier today.
"I just wanna thank everyone who helped make this possible," said S.O.G. "Especially my girl M. Mags."
The Songs
Christ Christ Baby, f. Rob V. Winkle
Straight Outta Heaven, f. NWA
Forgot About Christ, f. Dre and Eminem
Bow Bow Pray, f. Black Eyed Peas
I Kissed Satan, f. Katy Perry
Holy Paradise, f. Coolio
Republicans do it again
POLITICS
Republicans pass new law while rest of Washington mourns passing of Ted Kennedy
While most of Washington and America mourned the passing of Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy the Republicans were hard at work on the hill.
"I'm proud to say that we have passed a very important bill that will help health care reform," said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. "The Human Reorganization act of 2009 will help streamline health care reform as it will help defray some of the cost of paying to reform the the current system."
The main points of the bill highlighted terminating the existence of all Americans with last names beginning with the letter Y. This list will include Congressmen Bill Young of Florida, and Don Young of Alaska (the 5th and 7th most senior congressmen respectively), Hall of Fame quarterback Steve Young, Kevin Youkilis, and Carl Yastrzemski.
"It must be done in order to save our republic," said Republican leader Glenn Beck. "Besides we must insure the names near the top like, Davis, Anderson, and most of all BECK. Its survival of the fittest, in alphabetical order of course, and the Y's had their chance and failed."
However many Democrats and people in general are less than enthused about the new bill.
"We are in a time of mourning over the death of a great American, and the Republicans want to end the lives of even more Americans?" said Bill Young. "Are they out of their fucking minds?"
Republicans pass new law while rest of Washington mourns passing of Ted Kennedy
While most of Washington and America mourned the passing of Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy the Republicans were hard at work on the hill.
"I'm proud to say that we have passed a very important bill that will help health care reform," said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. "The Human Reorganization act of 2009 will help streamline health care reform as it will help defray some of the cost of paying to reform the the current system."
The main points of the bill highlighted terminating the existence of all Americans with last names beginning with the letter Y. This list will include Congressmen Bill Young of Florida, and Don Young of Alaska (the 5th and 7th most senior congressmen respectively), Hall of Fame quarterback Steve Young, Kevin Youkilis, and Carl Yastrzemski.
"It must be done in order to save our republic," said Republican leader Glenn Beck. "Besides we must insure the names near the top like, Davis, Anderson, and most of all BECK. Its survival of the fittest, in alphabetical order of course, and the Y's had their chance and failed."
However many Democrats and people in general are less than enthused about the new bill.
"We are in a time of mourning over the death of a great American, and the Republicans want to end the lives of even more Americans?" said Bill Young. "Are they out of their fucking minds?"
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
News Break
POLITICS
Obama admits to D.E.A.T.H. panels
After months of denying that the highly controversial "death" panels didn't exist President Barack Obama shocked many today by announcing that they did in fact exist.
"I know that many of you are angry at me for denying the exist of death panels," said the President via telephone this morning. "But I was not lying, the D.E.A.T.H. panels in my reform bill aren't about "death" as in deceased people. It's an acronym that stands for Determines Elderly Adults Total Health panels. These panels will in fact help us garner information needed to help us treat the elderly."
Obama later said that the D.E.A.T.H. panels would rank each patient health on a scale of 1 to 328.
"They aren't death as in death," said Obama. "They are D.E.A.T.H. as in better health."
Obama admits to D.E.A.T.H. panels
After months of denying that the highly controversial "death" panels didn't exist President Barack Obama shocked many today by announcing that they did in fact exist.
"I know that many of you are angry at me for denying the exist of death panels," said the President via telephone this morning. "But I was not lying, the D.E.A.T.H. panels in my reform bill aren't about "death" as in deceased people. It's an acronym that stands for Determines Elderly Adults Total Health panels. These panels will in fact help us garner information needed to help us treat the elderly."
Obama later said that the D.E.A.T.H. panels would rank each patient health on a scale of 1 to 328.
"They aren't death as in death," said Obama. "They are D.E.A.T.H. as in better health."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
News Break
POLITICS
Portsmouth Town Hall Recap
Yesterday at his town hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire President Barack Obama finally explained to the American public how he planned to pay for his highly controversial health care reform bill.
"We will pay for the overhaul through a single cut in spending," said the President. "Everyone will change their insurance to Geico effective immediately. Since everyone can get insured in fifteen minutes or less we should be able to get everyone insured very quickly. So if everyone could get into a neat single-file line we could get you all insured as soon as possible. Thank you."
SPORTS
Tom Brady to play entire 2009 season in a plastic bubble
The New England Patriots are doing everything possible to make sure that starting quarterback Tom Brady stays on the field instead of a hospital bed this year.
"We have decided to enclose Tom in a plastic bubble for the entire year," said Patriots owner Robert Kraft. "We can't afford to lose Tom for another year, and we will do whatever it takes to keep him on the field."
Coach Bill Belichick was a little reluctant about having his star quarterback encased in polyurethane.
"I'm happy that he'll be safe but I don't know how he'll be able to throw," said Belichick. "I was going to try to utilize my great receivers but since throwing will be somewhat problematic I'm going to have to go to a run-first attack."
Portsmouth Town Hall Recap
Yesterday at his town hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire President Barack Obama finally explained to the American public how he planned to pay for his highly controversial health care reform bill.
"We will pay for the overhaul through a single cut in spending," said the President. "Everyone will change their insurance to Geico effective immediately. Since everyone can get insured in fifteen minutes or less we should be able to get everyone insured very quickly. So if everyone could get into a neat single-file line we could get you all insured as soon as possible. Thank you."
SPORTS
Tom Brady to play entire 2009 season in a plastic bubble
The New England Patriots are doing everything possible to make sure that starting quarterback Tom Brady stays on the field instead of a hospital bed this year.
"We have decided to enclose Tom in a plastic bubble for the entire year," said Patriots owner Robert Kraft. "We can't afford to lose Tom for another year, and we will do whatever it takes to keep him on the field."
Coach Bill Belichick was a little reluctant about having his star quarterback encased in polyurethane.
"I'm happy that he'll be safe but I don't know how he'll be able to throw," said Belichick. "I was going to try to utilize my great receivers but since throwing will be somewhat problematic I'm going to have to go to a run-first attack."
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Re-Up
We are back!
NEWS
Cash for Clunkers program expanded to include people
The recent Cash for Clunkers that reinvigorated the car industry was expanded last night in a marathon session in the Senate.
"With the positive reaction garnered by the recent Cash for Clunkers initative we've decided to expand it," said Pennsylvania Seantor Arlen Specter. "The program will now include the same $4,500 rebate for human trade-ins. It will be called Hundreds for Humans."
Specter wouldn't comment any further but the Senate financial committee did release a statement in the form of a flyer that read:
GOT MARITAL, FRIENDSHIP, OR OTHER PERSONAL PROBLEMS!?!?!
Then trade in your clunker of a friend, spouse, or business partner for a more relationship-effecient, and entertaining human.
Guys: Got a wife who is old, sagging, and a thorn in your side. Then take her down to one of the qualified Hundreds for Humans dealers and if she qualifies you'll get $4, 500 and a gorgeous 25-year old blond who knows how to please you in every way possible.
Ladies: Got a man who just sits on the couch all day, doesn't bond with the kids, and can't "rise" to the occasion? Then exchange him for a newer model with better packaging, more energy, and a $4, 500 dollar smile. Also a thousand dollar will be added if you Buy American. Thank you and God Bless.
RELIGION
Jesus gets a makeover
Jesus Christ called a press conference today outside of the Pearly Gates
"I've called you all here today to tell you that it's time for a change," said the Son of God. "I'm sick of not being recognized by the youth of America. Most of them recognize people like Lil Wayne, the Dos Equis guy, and that fucking McDonald's clown. So I have decided to resurrect myself yet again with a new persona. I will now go by the name "The Notorious S.O.G." and I will resign as the Almighty immediately to continue my rap career."
S.O.G. then released a sample of the song "The Savior" off his new album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again.
Chorus:
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true prayer.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Getting crunk with my apostles while we're all writing Bibles.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
If you got a gun up in your belt you'll just burn up in hell.
Cause I see Mary Magdalene and she should be having my baby
Bay-bee
NEWS
Cash for Clunkers program expanded to include people
The recent Cash for Clunkers that reinvigorated the car industry was expanded last night in a marathon session in the Senate.
"With the positive reaction garnered by the recent Cash for Clunkers initative we've decided to expand it," said Pennsylvania Seantor Arlen Specter. "The program will now include the same $4,500 rebate for human trade-ins. It will be called Hundreds for Humans."
Specter wouldn't comment any further but the Senate financial committee did release a statement in the form of a flyer that read:
GOT MARITAL, FRIENDSHIP, OR OTHER PERSONAL PROBLEMS!?!?!
Then trade in your clunker of a friend, spouse, or business partner for a more relationship-effecient, and entertaining human.
Guys: Got a wife who is old, sagging, and a thorn in your side. Then take her down to one of the qualified Hundreds for Humans dealers and if she qualifies you'll get $4, 500 and a gorgeous 25-year old blond who knows how to please you in every way possible.
Ladies: Got a man who just sits on the couch all day, doesn't bond with the kids, and can't "rise" to the occasion? Then exchange him for a newer model with better packaging, more energy, and a $4, 500 dollar smile. Also a thousand dollar will be added if you Buy American. Thank you and God Bless.
RELIGION
Jesus gets a makeover
Jesus Christ called a press conference today outside of the Pearly Gates
"I've called you all here today to tell you that it's time for a change," said the Son of God. "I'm sick of not being recognized by the youth of America. Most of them recognize people like Lil Wayne, the Dos Equis guy, and that fucking McDonald's clown. So I have decided to resurrect myself yet again with a new persona. I will now go by the name "The Notorious S.O.G." and I will resign as the Almighty immediately to continue my rap career."
S.O.G. then released a sample of the song "The Savior" off his new album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again.
Chorus:
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true prayer.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Getting crunk with my apostles while we're all writing Bibles.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
If you got a gun up in your belt you'll just burn up in hell.
Cause I see Mary Magdalene and she should be having my baby
Bay-bee
Saturday, May 16, 2009
News off the Wires
Man tries putting face on Facebook, winds up licking his monitor.
Twitter guys arrested for stalking.
NASCAR enforces speed limit, everyone wins.
Couple falls in love, both drown to death.
Saturday Night Live now on tape delay.
Dyslexic man catches wine's flu.
Man drinks himself to death, autopsy finds nose in upper intestine.
Bear Stearns trademarks phrase "BS".
Man saves space, has testicles placed in brain cavity.
Carol has a sex change, states now know as North & South Carlina.
Fish fighting back, go humaning.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Our Triumphant Return
PORK
Reverend Jeremiah Wright blames swine flu on God
Outspoken reverened Jeremiah Wright blamed the recent outbreak of swine flu on the Almighty. He voiced his concerns to Howie Carr on WRKO 680 radio in Boston.
"The other white meat is upon us. We must repent," said Wright. "For years we have shunned the "other" things and they have all come back to feast on the sinners. Satan, The View, and now the Swine Flu have been cast down by God to rid the sinners from our midst." Wright also went on to say that ham, bacon, and sausage is Satan's preferred breakfast.
No Jews affected by the swine flu
With the swine flu frolicing around the world one scetor of the population has been skipped over: Jews. One prominent Jew believes that he has the answer.
"Pork and its related products aren't kosher," said Jerry Seinfeld. "We aren't allowed to eat them."
SPORTS
Alex Rodriguez has anabolic steroids in his genes
In another twist in the Alex Rodriguez steorid saga it was released today that Rodriguez never took steroid; they were actually a genetic defect that didn't show up on the previous blood tests.
"I've never seen anything like it in my thirty years of practicing medicine," said Carl McLaughlin of the United States Anti-Doping Agency. "We found the defect Rodriguez's pituary gland located in the brain. Apparently two thirty-year old hispanic males were lodged in Alex's pituitary and were manufacturing anabolic steroids rather than the natural testosterone. We are baffled by how they were able to sneak the raw materials and machinery into Mrs. Rodriguez's vagina and we are investigating that now. We are calling it Trisomy 763."
Rodriguez was unavailable. He was planning his yearly October vacation.
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
John Cena files a worker's compensation claim against World Wrestling Entertainment
After losing to Edge in a hellacious Last Man Standing match last Saturday at Backlash, former World Heavyweight Champion John Cena has filed a claim against the WWE.
"I was thrown into a fucking 7,000 watt search light," said Cena, who couldn't be seen during the press conference. "I gave my all on Sunday. I was cut, brusied, concussed, AND I was then forced to work the next night. How could a publicly-traded company be allowed to get away with this blatant violation of worker's rights?"
The WWE released a statement saying, "WWE Chairman Vince McMahon and the WWE writing staff are working on the formation of a Wrestler's union and will pay Mr. Cena's medical bills in full. Tune in to WWE: Judgment Day May 17 in Chicago only on Pay-Per-View!"
ANNUAL WHITE PEOPLES CONVENTION TO BE HELD TOMORROW DURING THE KENTUCKY DERBY IN LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY. BRING HATS!
BUSINESS
Chrysler apologizes for bankruptcy mix up
Apparently Chrysler isn't bankrupt, a mix-up with the show Wheel of Fortune caused the situation we are in now.
"We are very sorry about this," said the show's host Pat Sajak. "One of our contestant's two weeks ago was named John Chrysler and one of his spins landed on 'Bankrupt' and I joked that Chrysler is now officially bankrupt. I am sorry for the grave misunderstanding."
Chrysler Motors, which is trying to merge with Italian giant Fiat to stay alive released a statement late last night.
"We accept the apology put forth by Mr. Sajak. We will continue making cars that no one will buy and hope that we will survive the current economic situation."
Reverend Jeremiah Wright blames swine flu on God
Outspoken reverened Jeremiah Wright blamed the recent outbreak of swine flu on the Almighty. He voiced his concerns to Howie Carr on WRKO 680 radio in Boston.
"The other white meat is upon us. We must repent," said Wright. "For years we have shunned the "other" things and they have all come back to feast on the sinners. Satan, The View, and now the Swine Flu have been cast down by God to rid the sinners from our midst." Wright also went on to say that ham, bacon, and sausage is Satan's preferred breakfast.
No Jews affected by the swine flu
With the swine flu frolicing around the world one scetor of the population has been skipped over: Jews. One prominent Jew believes that he has the answer.
"Pork and its related products aren't kosher," said Jerry Seinfeld. "We aren't allowed to eat them."
SPORTS
Alex Rodriguez has anabolic steroids in his genes
In another twist in the Alex Rodriguez steorid saga it was released today that Rodriguez never took steroid; they were actually a genetic defect that didn't show up on the previous blood tests.
"I've never seen anything like it in my thirty years of practicing medicine," said Carl McLaughlin of the United States Anti-Doping Agency. "We found the defect Rodriguez's pituary gland located in the brain. Apparently two thirty-year old hispanic males were lodged in Alex's pituitary and were manufacturing anabolic steroids rather than the natural testosterone. We are baffled by how they were able to sneak the raw materials and machinery into Mrs. Rodriguez's vagina and we are investigating that now. We are calling it Trisomy 763."
Rodriguez was unavailable. He was planning his yearly October vacation.
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
John Cena files a worker's compensation claim against World Wrestling Entertainment
After losing to Edge in a hellacious Last Man Standing match last Saturday at Backlash, former World Heavyweight Champion John Cena has filed a claim against the WWE.
"I was thrown into a fucking 7,000 watt search light," said Cena, who couldn't be seen during the press conference. "I gave my all on Sunday. I was cut, brusied, concussed, AND I was then forced to work the next night. How could a publicly-traded company be allowed to get away with this blatant violation of worker's rights?"
The WWE released a statement saying, "WWE Chairman Vince McMahon and the WWE writing staff are working on the formation of a Wrestler's union and will pay Mr. Cena's medical bills in full. Tune in to WWE: Judgment Day May 17 in Chicago only on Pay-Per-View!"
ANNUAL WHITE PEOPLES CONVENTION TO BE HELD TOMORROW DURING THE KENTUCKY DERBY IN LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY. BRING HATS!
BUSINESS
Chrysler apologizes for bankruptcy mix up
Apparently Chrysler isn't bankrupt, a mix-up with the show Wheel of Fortune caused the situation we are in now.
"We are very sorry about this," said the show's host Pat Sajak. "One of our contestant's two weeks ago was named John Chrysler and one of his spins landed on 'Bankrupt' and I joked that Chrysler is now officially bankrupt. I am sorry for the grave misunderstanding."
Chrysler Motors, which is trying to merge with Italian giant Fiat to stay alive released a statement late last night.
"We accept the apology put forth by Mr. Sajak. We will continue making cars that no one will buy and hope that we will survive the current economic situation."
Friday, February 13, 2009
News & Entertainment
POLITICS
Bill Clinton proposes alternate to stimulus package
Early today former President Bill Clinton proposed an alternate to Barack Obama's controversial stimulus package.
"America needs help and it needs it now," said Clinton. "I propose that we stimulate the economy by giving it a handjob."
When questioned about his radical proposal Clinton didn't hesitate.
"If there are two things I know they are politics and physical stimulants. And nothing stimulates quicker than a nice handjob."
ENTERTAINMENT
Chris Brown releases statement
Dear Rihanna,
I love you with all my heart baby. All I want to is be with you, with you, with you, with you, with you. Forever ev-ev-everrrrrrrrrr ev-ev-errrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Love, Chris.
Bill Clinton proposes alternate to stimulus package
Early today former President Bill Clinton proposed an alternate to Barack Obama's controversial stimulus package.
"America needs help and it needs it now," said Clinton. "I propose that we stimulate the economy by giving it a handjob."
When questioned about his radical proposal Clinton didn't hesitate.
"If there are two things I know they are politics and physical stimulants. And nothing stimulates quicker than a nice handjob."
ENTERTAINMENT
Chris Brown releases statement
Dear Rihanna,
I love you with all my heart baby. All I want to is be with you, with you, with you, with you, with you. Forever ev-ev-everrrrrrrrrr ev-ev-errrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Love, Chris.
Friday, February 6, 2009
North, East, West, South (NEWS)
LIFE
Man dies juggling grenades
A strange and disturbing death has rocked the small town of West Bumfuck, Alaska to the core. 34-year old Peyton James accidentally killed himself after juggling three hand grenades at a family reunion last night.
"He was trying to impress his date," said his aunt Nancy James. "She died in the explosion as well. Its tough losing your niece and nephew on the same night."
Peyton was juggling three grenades when one went astray striking and vaporizing his date, and the second and third grenades landed on his head.
The autopsy results were inconclusive.
SPORTS
Pro Bowl Injury List
The most recent list of Pro Bowl injuries has been released.
AFC
Peyton Manning - Lack of testicular fortitude
Thomas Jones - Lack of relevance
Le'Ron McClain - Who???
Andre Johnson - He got a boo-boo
Brandon Marshall - Took the wrong plane
Tony Gonzalez - Lacerated while impersonating Scarface
Jason Peters - Sick of losing
Joe Thomas - Caught a case of Cleveland
Alan Faneca - Hamstring torn by Brett Favre's ego
Kris Dielman - Not in NFL records
Kevin Mawae - Caught psychosis from Vince Young
Mario Williams - Plagued by being drafted before Reggie Bush
Dwight Freeney - Hurt by being black
Albert Haynesworth - Head Trauma
Kris Jenkins - Labrum torn by Brett Favre's ego
James Harrison - Oxygen deprived
Joey Porter - Foot lacerated by South Beach sand
Ray Lewis - For playing in Baltimore
Nnamdi Asomugha - Pride hurt by playing in Oakland
Cortland Finnegan - Has too British of a name
Ed Reed - He's too damn good
Troy Polamalu - Still Hungover
Shane Lechler - Who cares about the punter?
Stephen Gostkowski - C'monnnnnnnn you knew there was going to be at least one Patriot
Leon Washington - Groin torn by Brett Favre's ego
Brendon Ayanbadejo - Sick of being a special teams player
NFC
Kurt Warner - Groin strain (Too much you knowwwww)
Adrian Peterson - Yo Adrian; you got a quartah
Mike Sellers - Sliced hands on his sales receipts
Larry Fitzgerald - Coach my pride's hurt
Anquan Boldin - Strained wallet
Jason Witten - Dallas
Jordan Gross -Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Walter Jones - And you are?
Steve Hutchinson - Pass
Chris Snee - Taking personal day due to Eli Manning
Andre Gurode -
Julius Peppers - Re-injured Achilles by stepping salt
Justin Tuck - Forgot to himself in his shirt
Kevin Williams - Too fat
Jay Ratliff - Where the fuck is he from?
DeMarcus Ware - Dallas
Lance Briggs - Injured from lack of offense
Patrick Willis - Injured while trying to become a 69er
Charles Woodson - Too much energy due to lack of Brett Favre's ego
Antoine Winfield - Decapitated
Nick Collins - Castrated
Adrian Wilson - Yo Adrian; how's the ego?
Jeff Feagles - Amputated plant leg
John Carney - Overdosed on New York media
Clifton Smith - Fuck it
Sean Morey - Lost in Tampa
Man dies juggling grenades
A strange and disturbing death has rocked the small town of West Bumfuck, Alaska to the core. 34-year old Peyton James accidentally killed himself after juggling three hand grenades at a family reunion last night.
"He was trying to impress his date," said his aunt Nancy James. "She died in the explosion as well. Its tough losing your niece and nephew on the same night."
Peyton was juggling three grenades when one went astray striking and vaporizing his date, and the second and third grenades landed on his head.
The autopsy results were inconclusive.
SPORTS
Pro Bowl Injury List
The most recent list of Pro Bowl injuries has been released.
AFC
Peyton Manning - Lack of testicular fortitude
Thomas Jones - Lack of relevance
Le'Ron McClain - Who???
Andre Johnson - He got a boo-boo
Brandon Marshall - Took the wrong plane
Tony Gonzalez - Lacerated while impersonating Scarface
Jason Peters - Sick of losing
Joe Thomas - Caught a case of Cleveland
Alan Faneca - Hamstring torn by Brett Favre's ego
Kris Dielman - Not in NFL records
Kevin Mawae - Caught psychosis from Vince Young
Mario Williams - Plagued by being drafted before Reggie Bush
Dwight Freeney - Hurt by being black
Albert Haynesworth - Head Trauma
Kris Jenkins - Labrum torn by Brett Favre's ego
James Harrison - Oxygen deprived
Joey Porter - Foot lacerated by South Beach sand
Ray Lewis - For playing in Baltimore
Nnamdi Asomugha - Pride hurt by playing in Oakland
Cortland Finnegan - Has too British of a name
Ed Reed - He's too damn good
Troy Polamalu - Still Hungover
Shane Lechler - Who cares about the punter?
Stephen Gostkowski - C'monnnnnnnn you knew there was going to be at least one Patriot
Leon Washington - Groin torn by Brett Favre's ego
Brendon Ayanbadejo - Sick of being a special teams player
NFC
Kurt Warner - Groin strain (Too much you knowwwww)
Adrian Peterson - Yo Adrian; you got a quartah
Mike Sellers - Sliced hands on his sales receipts
Larry Fitzgerald - Coach my pride's hurt
Anquan Boldin - Strained wallet
Jason Witten - Dallas
Jordan Gross -Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Walter Jones - And you are?
Steve Hutchinson - Pass
Chris Snee - Taking personal day due to Eli Manning
Andre Gurode -
Julius Peppers - Re-injured Achilles by stepping salt
Justin Tuck - Forgot to himself in his shirt
Kevin Williams - Too fat
Jay Ratliff - Where the fuck is he from?
DeMarcus Ware - Dallas
Lance Briggs - Injured from lack of offense
Patrick Willis - Injured while trying to become a 69er
Charles Woodson - Too much energy due to lack of Brett Favre's ego
Antoine Winfield - Decapitated
Nick Collins - Castrated
Adrian Wilson - Yo Adrian; how's the ego?
Jeff Feagles - Amputated plant leg
John Carney - Overdosed on New York media
Clifton Smith - Fuck it
Sean Morey - Lost in Tampa
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Retail News
NEWS
BJ's Wholesale Club sued for false advertising
One of the biggest retail wholesale clubs in the country, Berkley & Jensen's (BJ's), was sued for false advertising and misleading consumers.
"This lawsuit is preposterous," said BJ's CEO Rod Johnson. "These people have no legal grounds to sue."
The people that Johnson is referring to is the entire male population of America.
"When you think of BJ's Wholesale club you don't think of discount televisions and freshly baked cookies," said male representative W. Jeff Clinton. "You think blowjobs."
Mr. Clinton wasn't the only man anger by the name of the company.
"They sell Dickie's pants," said Stu Peterson. "Come on seriously; DICKIES at BJ'S. You don't see the sexual symmetry."
BJ's stands behind their company name and plan to fight the men in court.
"We at B.J.'s are proud of working long, hard hours to keep the prices down and our customers happy."
BJ's Wholesale Club sued for false advertising
One of the biggest retail wholesale clubs in the country, Berkley & Jensen's (BJ's), was sued for false advertising and misleading consumers.
"This lawsuit is preposterous," said BJ's CEO Rod Johnson. "These people have no legal grounds to sue."
The people that Johnson is referring to is the entire male population of America.
"When you think of BJ's Wholesale club you don't think of discount televisions and freshly baked cookies," said male representative W. Jeff Clinton. "You think blowjobs."
Mr. Clinton wasn't the only man anger by the name of the company.
"They sell Dickie's pants," said Stu Peterson. "Come on seriously; DICKIES at BJ'S. You don't see the sexual symmetry."
BJ's stands behind their company name and plan to fight the men in court.
"We at B.J.'s are proud of working long, hard hours to keep the prices down and our customers happy."
Monday, January 19, 2009
A Message From our Sponsor
Hi I'm Tom Walsh. I am the founder and president of Obama Inc., a company focused on bringing you the finest in Barack Obama memorabilia at affordable prices for over two months. With the Inauguration only hours away we are in the midst of our final clear out sale. These sales will end at exactly twelve noon tomorrow so act fast. Thank you and God Bless.
#120-Jar of Inaugural Air
Can't make it to the big party in D.C. tomorrow? Then bring the party to you with this one of a kind jar of ACTUAL air from the Inauguration. For only $49.95 you can own a beautiful glass jar full of air that was floating around at the Inauguration. Who knows; maybe your jar will come with an exhale from Barack Obama inside.
*Obama Inc. is not responsible for actually filling the jars.
#121- Barack Obama Cheese
Do you love dairy? Do you love Barack Obama? Well if you answered yes to both then you must purchase our newest product, Barack Obama Cheese. For only $19.95 you can have two 12 inch wheels of our specially formulated cheese. And you will be able to choose from our exciting multitude of flavors like:
"Yes We Can" Cheddar
"George W. Bush" Goat Cheese
"Rahm Emanuel" Romano
"Hillary Clinton" Cream Cheese
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Ladies: Have you ever wanted to have an affair with a President? If you have then you need to have one of limited edition Barack Obama sex toys. Ranging in price from $9.95 TO $129.99 There's a toy for every sexual desire and every budget. Choose from some of our most popular products, like:
The Presidential Penis
The 44 Inch Dildo
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These are only a small selection of the products available in the Obama Inc. catalogue. If you are interested in any of our products call 1-120-BARACKOBAMAISCRAZYAWESOME-5309 now. AND SAVE.
Obama Inc.: Savings We Can Believe In
#120-Jar of Inaugural Air
Can't make it to the big party in D.C. tomorrow? Then bring the party to you with this one of a kind jar of ACTUAL air from the Inauguration. For only $49.95 you can own a beautiful glass jar full of air that was floating around at the Inauguration. Who knows; maybe your jar will come with an exhale from Barack Obama inside.
*Obama Inc. is not responsible for actually filling the jars.
#121- Barack Obama Cheese
Do you love dairy? Do you love Barack Obama? Well if you answered yes to both then you must purchase our newest product, Barack Obama Cheese. For only $19.95 you can have two 12 inch wheels of our specially formulated cheese. And you will be able to choose from our exciting multitude of flavors like:
"Yes We Can" Cheddar
"George W. Bush" Goat Cheese
"Rahm Emanuel" Romano
"Hillary Clinton" Cream Cheese
And many more. However supplies are limited so call now.
#122- Barack Obama Sex Toys
Ladies: Have you ever wanted to have an affair with a President? If you have then you need to have one of limited edition Barack Obama sex toys. Ranging in price from $9.95 TO $129.99 There's a toy for every sexual desire and every budget. Choose from some of our most popular products, like:
The Presidential Penis
The 44 Inch Dildo
The Yes we Cum
The Barack O'Vibrator
And many, many more.
These are only a small selection of the products available in the Obama Inc. catalogue. If you are interested in any of our products call 1-120-BARACKOBAMAISCRAZYAWESOME-5309 now. AND SAVE.
Obama Inc.: Savings We Can Believe In
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Obama's Inaugural Address
Thanks to a disgruntled CIA agent (Paul --------), Real News was able to obtain Barack Obama's Inaugural Address.
My fellow Americans. Look..............I stand before.......you............as the 44th Pres................ident............of the United States. I am very proud......................and honored...............to be the first African-American................elected. While I have been able...............to make every American like me...............that doesn't diminish....................the current problems.............facing America. As your President I will.....................do my best.................to fix the current.......economic.........situation. I will...............withdraw..........troops from Iraq.........in a timely matter.........and..........I will do it all with charisma.............and a smile.
Before I go any further I'd like to uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank everyone whoooooooooooo got me here. I couldn't have done it without my....................wife and daughters. They have kept me.........going. A special thanks goes to all my boys in Chicago.............and Oprah. Finally I'd like to thank the person who is almost completely responsible for me standing before you today.Their hard work............and dedication to my campaign allowed me to uhhhhhhhhhhhhh win America's vote. So before we uhhhhhhhhhhhh go any further............. I'd like to thank Sarah Palin for her massive, non-monetary boost she gave to my campaign and to "Ron Blockojevech" for his gener...............osity.
So America take pride..................you now have a President that.........you can.........believe in. Be proud that you elected a Harvard man to replace a.............Y--e person. Together we can. God bless..........you, and God Bless America.
My fellow Americans. Look..............I stand before.......you............as the 44th Pres................ident............of the United States. I am very proud......................and honored...............to be the first African-American................elected. While I have been able...............to make every American like me...............that doesn't diminish....................the current problems.............facing America. As your President I will.....................do my best.................to fix the current.......economic.........situation. I will...............withdraw..........troops from Iraq.........in a timely matter.........and..........I will do it all with charisma.............and a smile.
Before I go any further I'd like to uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank everyone whoooooooooooo got me here. I couldn't have done it without my....................wife and daughters. They have kept me.........going. A special thanks goes to all my boys in Chicago.............and Oprah. Finally I'd like to thank the person who is almost completely responsible for me standing before you today.Their hard work............and dedication to my campaign allowed me to uhhhhhhhhhhhhh win America's vote. So before we uhhhhhhhhhhhh go any further............. I'd like to thank Sarah Palin for her massive, non-monetary boost she gave to my campaign and to "Ron Blockojevech" for his gener...............osity.
So America take pride..................you now have a President that.........you can.........believe in. Be proud that you elected a Harvard man to replace a.............Y--e person. Together we can. God bless..........you, and God Bless America.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Due to Rising Energy Costs, Satan Has to Turn Off the Heat in Hell
Due to rising energy costs, Satan has to turn off the heat in Hell
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui. "In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui. "In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Paulson Makes His Final Move
With the world's markets on shaky legs the United States Treasury has approved the use of paper money from the popular board game, Monopoly, to be used in business sales and purchases.
"This infusion of funds will add trillions into the economy," said Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, "The average American can open their game of Monopoly and see thousands of dollars staring them in the face."
Congress expects the boost of the monopoly money to balance out the mess on Wall Street, Main Street, and Baltic Avenue.
"This infusion of funds will add trillions into the economy," said Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, "The average American can open their game of Monopoly and see thousands of dollars staring them in the face."
Congress expects the boost of the monopoly money to balance out the mess on Wall Street, Main Street, and Baltic Avenue.
Regular News
HEALTH
Woman charged with gross negligence after giving birth
A woman in Omaha, Nebraska has been charged with gross negligence and endangering a child after giving birth to a healthy baby boy last night. The woman, Alexa Johnson, age 31 was arrested immediately after the umbilical cord was cut.
"We've been watching this dirtball for a little over nine months," said Omaha Police Sergeant, Jim Marshall, "Our man on the inside was informing us about numerous atrocities that Mrs. Johnson was committing."
The most notable offenses were not feeding or clothing the baby for nine months. Mrs. Johnson proclaimed her innocence as she was led from here hospital bed to a nearby holding cell.
"You guys are crazy," she said, "My baby was living off food that I ate, and how the fuck do you clothe something that's lodged a foot up my vagina!?!"
In a related story Mrs. Johnson had an emergency blood transfusion late tonight because the surgeon forgot to sew up the C-section.
Woman charged with gross negligence after giving birth
A woman in Omaha, Nebraska has been charged with gross negligence and endangering a child after giving birth to a healthy baby boy last night. The woman, Alexa Johnson, age 31 was arrested immediately after the umbilical cord was cut.
"We've been watching this dirtball for a little over nine months," said Omaha Police Sergeant, Jim Marshall, "Our man on the inside was informing us about numerous atrocities that Mrs. Johnson was committing."
The most notable offenses were not feeding or clothing the baby for nine months. Mrs. Johnson proclaimed her innocence as she was led from here hospital bed to a nearby holding cell.
"You guys are crazy," she said, "My baby was living off food that I ate, and how the fuck do you clothe something that's lodged a foot up my vagina!?!"
In a related story Mrs. Johnson had an emergency blood transfusion late tonight because the surgeon forgot to sew up the C-section.
Barck Obama's Inauguration Day Schedule
Real News was able to obtain Barack Obama's enitre, 24-hour schedule for Inauguration Day.
12:00-6:32 A.M. --> Finishing sleep that began Monday night.
6:32-6:41 A.M. --> Lay around in bed and hit the snooze button.
6:41-6:5o A.M. --> Hit the snooze button again.
6:50-7:30 A.M. --> Shit, Shave, and Shower
7:30-7:59 A.M. --> Drive to staging area
7:59-8:00 A.M. --> Exit car
8:00-8:01 A.M. --> Enter Presidential Motorcade
8:01-10:31 A.M. --> Drive through D.C. as body double waves to the masses.
8:32-9:15 A.M. --> Madden Tournament in the car!!!!!!
10:31-10:32 A.M. --> Exit vehicle at the Capitol.
10:32-10:34 A.M. --> Ascend the Capitol steps
10:34 A.M. --> Sit in my chair
10:34-11:43 A.M. --> Update my facebook, and watch Bulls highlights on my Blackberry while Biden is inaugurated.
11:43 A.M. --> Stand Up
11:43-11:59 A.M. --> Get Inaugurated.
Come back tomorrow to see what Obama's evening is going to look like.
12:00-6:32 A.M. --> Finishing sleep that began Monday night.
6:32-6:41 A.M. --> Lay around in bed and hit the snooze button.
6:41-6:5o A.M. --> Hit the snooze button again.
6:50-7:30 A.M. --> Shit, Shave, and Shower
7:30-7:59 A.M. --> Drive to staging area
7:59-8:00 A.M. --> Exit car
8:00-8:01 A.M. --> Enter Presidential Motorcade
8:01-10:31 A.M. --> Drive through D.C. as body double waves to the masses.
8:32-9:15 A.M. --> Madden Tournament in the car!!!!!!
10:31-10:32 A.M. --> Exit vehicle at the Capitol.
10:32-10:34 A.M. --> Ascend the Capitol steps
10:34 A.M. --> Sit in my chair
10:34-11:43 A.M. --> Update my facebook, and watch Bulls highlights on my Blackberry while Biden is inaugurated.
11:43 A.M. --> Stand Up
11:43-11:59 A.M. --> Get Inaugurated.
Come back tomorrow to see what Obama's evening is going to look like.
Friday, January 9, 2009
BREAKING NEWS
RELIGION
Heaven shuts down after unexpected result in BCS Title Game
After Florida's exciting 24-14 win over Oklahoma in last night's BCS Title Game, God shut down HEAVEN and laid off all 200,000 employees.
"Those bastards didn't cover the over," said God from The Heavenly Pub late last night, "Everything I've built is ruined, and Ted keeps being a douche about it."
God was referring to the Las Vegas spread of 72 combined points between the Gators and Sooners, and the man he called a douche was Ted Satan.
All of HEAVEN's former employees and residents are pissed off.
"We knew it would happen eventually," said Saint Valentine, "The idiot (God) has been a degenerate gambler since the third Crusade."
Also HEAVEN's architects and designers are at a loss.
"After God bet on the Rays to win the American League pennant in 1945 he spent all of the 2.5 quadrillion dollars he won on televisions, spinning rims for the Pearly Gates, the heart and soul of Detroit, Pandora's X-Box, and a three million pound gold statue of himself."
Heaven shuts down after unexpected result in BCS Title Game
After Florida's exciting 24-14 win over Oklahoma in last night's BCS Title Game, God shut down HEAVEN and laid off all 200,000 employees.
"Those bastards didn't cover the over," said God from The Heavenly Pub late last night, "Everything I've built is ruined, and Ted keeps being a douche about it."
God was referring to the Las Vegas spread of 72 combined points between the Gators and Sooners, and the man he called a douche was Ted Satan.
All of HEAVEN's former employees and residents are pissed off.
"We knew it would happen eventually," said Saint Valentine, "The idiot (God) has been a degenerate gambler since the third Crusade."
Also HEAVEN's architects and designers are at a loss.
"After God bet on the Rays to win the American League pennant in 1945 he spent all of the 2.5 quadrillion dollars he won on televisions, spinning rims for the Pearly Gates, the heart and soul of Detroit, Pandora's X-Box, and a three million pound gold statue of himself."
Thursday, January 8, 2009
News From Across The Country
POLITICS
Barack Obama Fills Commerce Post
In a curious move President-Elect, Barack Obama, named the Monopoly Man to replace Bill Richardson as Secretary of Commerce. Obama released a statement earlier today about the nomination.
"Look.......I feel that....there is no better person to fill this post than the Monopoly Man. He knows how to distribute money equally.......and fairly. While many will point to his...........part in the mortgage crisis..........I believe that his..........expertise in............banking............and finance will make him a phenomenal addition to my economic team.
SPORTS
Oklahoma pulls out of BCS National Championship Game; Relinquishes Spot to U of Washington.
In a move of goodwill and charity, the University of Oklahoma has given their spot in tonight's BCS National Championship Game to the University of Washington.
"I know that they didn't win a game all year, but this is the season of giving," said Sooners head coach, Bob Stoops, fifteen minutes ago, "We feel that after all the hurt that Oklahoma brought on Washington for taking the Sonics we feel that its our duty to give them our spot against Florida tonight."
Sooners quarterback, Sam Bradford, was less than thrilled with his coach's decision.
"We are scheduled to play in two hours," said Bradford during pregame warm-ups, "How the hell do you think I feel?!?"
Barack Obama Fills Commerce Post
In a curious move President-Elect, Barack Obama, named the Monopoly Man to replace Bill Richardson as Secretary of Commerce. Obama released a statement earlier today about the nomination.
"Look.......I feel that....there is no better person to fill this post than the Monopoly Man. He knows how to distribute money equally.......and fairly. While many will point to his...........part in the mortgage crisis..........I believe that his..........expertise in............banking............and finance will make him a phenomenal addition to my economic team.
SPORTS
Oklahoma pulls out of BCS National Championship Game; Relinquishes Spot to U of Washington.
In a move of goodwill and charity, the University of Oklahoma has given their spot in tonight's BCS National Championship Game to the University of Washington.
"I know that they didn't win a game all year, but this is the season of giving," said Sooners head coach, Bob Stoops, fifteen minutes ago, "We feel that after all the hurt that Oklahoma brought on Washington for taking the Sonics we feel that its our duty to give them our spot against Florida tonight."
Sooners quarterback, Sam Bradford, was less than thrilled with his coach's decision.
"We are scheduled to play in two hours," said Bradford during pregame warm-ups, "How the hell do you think I feel?!?"
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The First Post of 2009
Welcome back to Real News. We thank you for waiting paitently as we have enjoyed the needed sabbatical. So with our return we look back on the year 2008, and give out the awards.
Man of the Year - Hillary Clinton; She was almost able to pass for the only female Democratic candiadte for President, but the American public was able to see that she really was just one of the boys.
Politician of the Year - Barack Obama; For bringing the brain back into the White House.
The In Over Your Head Award - Sarah Palin; When talking about foreign policy it isn't smart to talk about the view from your backyard or to give Katie Couric an I.O.U. about her domestic policies. However Palin was able to do both and a whole lot more.
The Dan Quayle Moron of the Year - George W. Bush; With the win Bush claims the award for the sixth consecutive year.
The Richard Nixon Douchebag Award - Rod Blagojevich; No man in American political history has been this misguided, narcississtic, or this much of a complete douche since Nixon. Blagojevich's hair was the runner-up for this award.
The Kobe Bryant Bad Life Choice Award - Plaxico Burress; He took a concealed handgun into a crowded nightclub, slid it into the loose elastic waistband of his sweatpants, and it just happened to go off. Yeah, righttttttttttttttttt.
Man of the Year - Hillary Clinton; She was almost able to pass for the only female Democratic candiadte for President, but the American public was able to see that she really was just one of the boys.
Politician of the Year - Barack Obama; For bringing the brain back into the White House.
The In Over Your Head Award - Sarah Palin; When talking about foreign policy it isn't smart to talk about the view from your backyard or to give Katie Couric an I.O.U. about her domestic policies. However Palin was able to do both and a whole lot more.
The Dan Quayle Moron of the Year - George W. Bush; With the win Bush claims the award for the sixth consecutive year.
The Richard Nixon Douchebag Award - Rod Blagojevich; No man in American political history has been this misguided, narcississtic, or this much of a complete douche since Nixon. Blagojevich's hair was the runner-up for this award.
The Kobe Bryant Bad Life Choice Award - Plaxico Burress; He took a concealed handgun into a crowded nightclub, slid it into the loose elastic waistband of his sweatpants, and it just happened to go off. Yeah, righttttttttttttttttt.
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