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SPORTS
New York Yankees trade LaTroy Hawkins for entire American League
The New York Yankees continued their spending spree today by acquiring the entire American League for marginal relief pitcher, LaTroy Hawkins. The move increases the Yankees payroll up to approximately 1.2 billion dollars.
"We were going to trade for the National League as well, but then we realized that they just suck," said Yankees general manager, Brian Cashman, "We feel that it was a good deal for our organization."
The new Yankees lineup will be slightly better than the current one:
1 - Ichiro Suzuki
2 - Derek Jeter
3 - David Ortiz
4 - Alex Rodriguez
5 - Josh Hamilton
6 - Robinson Cano
7 - Torii Hunter
8 - Kevin Youkilis
9 - Joe Mauer
The bench will also include several good players:
C - Ivan Rodriguez
INF - Carlos Pena
INF - Dustin Pedroia
INF - Evan Longoria
OF - Grady Sizemore
OF - Jermaine Dye
OF - Vladimir Guerrero
The starting rotation will be marginal at best:
1 - Scott Kazmir
2 - Cliff Lee
3 - Joba Chamberlain
4 - Roy Halladay
5 - John Lackey
And then there is the bullpen:
RHP - Jonathan Papelbon
RHP - Mariano Rivera
LHP - George Sherrill
RHP - Troy Percival
RHP - Edwar Ramirez
Closer - Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod)
"I now think that we got a shot at taking the division," said Yankees owner, Hank Steinbrenner.
Boston Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez back to Cleveland
Manny will have to be Manny back in Cleveland as he was traded back to his original team for fictional players, Rick Vaughan and Willy Mays Hays.
"We got the best fictional players available," said Sox GM, Theo Epstein, "While they will never actually be able to play they should be able to help us get to where we need to be."
Many remember Rick Vaughan (who looks a lot like Charlie Sheen) as "Wild Thangggg!!!" Vaughan was apathetic about the trade.
"Who the hell cares?" said Vaughan, "I'll come in again in another key situation and strike out the mother [expletive] out in slow motion like I always do."
Willy Mays Hays was excited about the move.
"I am the greatest base stealer ever," he said, "Rickey Henderson ain't got nothing on me".
The Red Sox organization were cautious about Hays as he looks identical to convicted tax evader, Wesley Snipes.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Evening News
ENTERTAINMENT
Lil Wayne sues Three 6 Mafia for use of "Lollipop"
Rapper/hip-hop star, Lil Wayne, sued Three 6 Mafia over the use of "Lollipop".
"It's my candy," said Lil Wayne, "And Three 6 Mafia knows that I use it to "make it juicy for ya", so they gotta pick something else."
Three 6 Mafia has no intentions of removing the term, "Lollipop" from their hit song, Lolli Lolli.
"We got an Oscar; we can do whatever we want," said member, Juicy J.
SPORTS
Donovan McNabb legally changes his last name to McLovin
McLovin will now be an NFL superstar as Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb changed his last name to McLovin earlier today.
Lil Wayne sues Three 6 Mafia for use of "Lollipop"
Rapper/hip-hop star, Lil Wayne, sued Three 6 Mafia over the use of "Lollipop".
"It's my candy," said Lil Wayne, "And Three 6 Mafia knows that I use it to "make it juicy for ya", so they gotta pick something else."
Three 6 Mafia has no intentions of removing the term, "Lollipop" from their hit song, Lolli Lolli.
"We got an Oscar; we can do whatever we want," said member, Juicy J.
SPORTS
Donovan McNabb legally changes his last name to McLovin
McLovin will now be an NFL superstar as Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb changed his last name to McLovin earlier today.
"I'm McLovin now," said the former Donovan McNabb, "By November everyone will be saying that McLovin is the best quarterback in the NFL."
Eagles coach, Andy Reid was flustered about the name change.
"It is going to be interesting radioing in to the huddle, 'McLovin slash 18 zig cut'. It doesn't sound right."
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Return of Real News
ENTERTAINMENT
Rolling Stone Magazine gives "Election 2008" .5 stars
Rolling Stone Magazine confirmed our worst fears today when they announced their review of "Election 2008": It sucks.
"This has been one of the worst movies I have ever seen," said Rolling Stone reviewer, Wesley Morris, "There is no plot line and the characters are appalling".
Morris cited one scene in particular when the "Barack Obama" character repeated the phrase "Yes We Can" endlessly for twenty minutes. Another scene that angered Morris took place in the prologue where we see the "John McCain" character run around his office looking for his pet dinosaur for an hour.
"Walleeeeeeeeeeee! Where are you Walleeee!?!?!", said McCain during his search.
The film was scheduled to debut in November but it will instead be released straight to video and DVD.
Rolling Stone Magazine gives "Election 2008" .5 stars
Rolling Stone Magazine confirmed our worst fears today when they announced their review of "Election 2008": It sucks.
"This has been one of the worst movies I have ever seen," said Rolling Stone reviewer, Wesley Morris, "There is no plot line and the characters are appalling".
Morris cited one scene in particular when the "Barack Obama" character repeated the phrase "Yes We Can" endlessly for twenty minutes. Another scene that angered Morris took place in the prologue where we see the "John McCain" character run around his office looking for his pet dinosaur for an hour.
"Walleeeeeeeeeeee! Where are you Walleeee!?!?!", said McCain during his search.
The film was scheduled to debut in November but it will instead be released straight to video and DVD.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
News Session
NEWS
Santa Claus shot down over no-fly zone
At around two o'clock this morning Santa Claus was shot down by an F-15 fighter jet while testing his new sleigh over the Pentagon.
"It's not our fault," said pilot J.J. Gomes of the 1,067th airborne division, "He was in a no fly zone and he wouldn't respond to our calls; so we took him out."
Santa Claus was unharmed in the incident however five reindeer were killed and three are in critical condition.
"Those [expletives]," said Santa, "I was testing out my new 35 liter, 18,000 reindeer power engine, when those government [expletives] shot at me. They took out Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen, and Dancer. I can't replace those type of reindeer; the [expletives] are going to pay for this."
SPORTS
The New York Jets evicted from Giants Stadium
The New York Jets are going to have to find a new home next year as they were evicted from Giants Stadium late last night.
"They were losing money every game," said Giants owner, John Mara, "We had to pay out of pocket for all of the empty seats at their games. The deal was five years, but as you can tell its been more than five years and we've been more than generous, but we can't have people like Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens devaluing the property. It is time for the Jets to leave."
Giants wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, was happy that the Jets were evicted.
"They suck," he said, "I'm glad that them [expletives] that think they're a football team are gone."
In the interim, the Jets will play in Central Park.
Santa Claus shot down over no-fly zone
At around two o'clock this morning Santa Claus was shot down by an F-15 fighter jet while testing his new sleigh over the Pentagon.
"It's not our fault," said pilot J.J. Gomes of the 1,067th airborne division, "He was in a no fly zone and he wouldn't respond to our calls; so we took him out."
Santa Claus was unharmed in the incident however five reindeer were killed and three are in critical condition.
"Those [expletives]," said Santa, "I was testing out my new 35 liter, 18,000 reindeer power engine, when those government [expletives] shot at me. They took out Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen, and Dancer. I can't replace those type of reindeer; the [expletives] are going to pay for this."
SPORTS
The New York Jets evicted from Giants Stadium
The New York Jets are going to have to find a new home next year as they were evicted from Giants Stadium late last night.
"They were losing money every game," said Giants owner, John Mara, "We had to pay out of pocket for all of the empty seats at their games. The deal was five years, but as you can tell its been more than five years and we've been more than generous, but we can't have people like Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens devaluing the property. It is time for the Jets to leave."
Giants wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, was happy that the Jets were evicted.
"They suck," he said, "I'm glad that them [expletives] that think they're a football team are gone."
In the interim, the Jets will play in Central Park.
Monday, July 14, 2008
News and such
SPORTS
Red Sox Nation to create their own country
The thousands of members of Red Sox Nation rejoiced today when they learned that they would become an official nation. The United Nations officially recognized Red Sox Nation during a meeting last night. The terms of statehood granted Red Sox Nation the first "fluid" membership, meaning that there is not one point on a map that will be pinned as Red Sox Nation. The capital cities of RSN will be sixty percent of Seattle, eighty percent of Baltimore, half of Tampa Bay, 75% of Toronto, and of course Boston. The nation will be based at Yawkey Way in Boston. general manager Theo Epstein is ecstatic with the result.
" We have been pushing for this result for years and to see it finally happen is a dream come true".
There will be strict guidelines within RSN, the most notable is how the benefits system will work. For all citizens who were legal RSN citizens before July 14, 2004 they will receive full government benefits including health care, salary, and free education. However for people who immigrated to Red Sox Nation after July 14, 2004, they will receive absolutely no government benefits.
"We call those people wagon-jumpers", said 78 year old, lifelong citizen, Hal McCarthy in reference to the post 2004 citizens, "They ought to be ashamed for doing that!"
The national anthem for the young nation will be "Tessie", the nation's colors will be red an white, and the nation's first president will be Terry Francona.
ENTERTAINMENT
Miley Cyrus to join G-Unit
Today the rap group, G-Unit, announced the addition of their newest member: Miley Cyrus.
"She's dope", said lead member 50 Cent, "She's a natural for this [expletive]"
Cyrus wasn't G-Unit's first choice; they were originally going after the Jonas Brothers until they realized that they were just [expletive] awful.
"They can't sing", said fellow G-Unit member, Lloyd Banks.
Miley Cyrus was thrilled after meeting her new band mates.
"It was like, awesome", she said, "The culture blend is going to be super cool. I can't wait to start working with my new [expletives]".
Red Sox Nation to create their own country
The thousands of members of Red Sox Nation rejoiced today when they learned that they would become an official nation. The United Nations officially recognized Red Sox Nation during a meeting last night. The terms of statehood granted Red Sox Nation the first "fluid" membership, meaning that there is not one point on a map that will be pinned as Red Sox Nation. The capital cities of RSN will be sixty percent of Seattle, eighty percent of Baltimore, half of Tampa Bay, 75% of Toronto, and of course Boston. The nation will be based at Yawkey Way in Boston. general manager Theo Epstein is ecstatic with the result.
" We have been pushing for this result for years and to see it finally happen is a dream come true".
There will be strict guidelines within RSN, the most notable is how the benefits system will work. For all citizens who were legal RSN citizens before July 14, 2004 they will receive full government benefits including health care, salary, and free education. However for people who immigrated to Red Sox Nation after July 14, 2004, they will receive absolutely no government benefits.
"We call those people wagon-jumpers", said 78 year old, lifelong citizen, Hal McCarthy in reference to the post 2004 citizens, "They ought to be ashamed for doing that!"
The national anthem for the young nation will be "Tessie", the nation's colors will be red an white, and the nation's first president will be Terry Francona.
ENTERTAINMENT
Miley Cyrus to join G-Unit
Today the rap group, G-Unit, announced the addition of their newest member: Miley Cyrus.
"She's dope", said lead member 50 Cent, "She's a natural for this [expletive]"
Cyrus wasn't G-Unit's first choice; they were originally going after the Jonas Brothers until they realized that they were just [expletive] awful.
"They can't sing", said fellow G-Unit member, Lloyd Banks.
Miley Cyrus was thrilled after meeting her new band mates.
"It was like, awesome", she said, "The culture blend is going to be super cool. I can't wait to start working with my new [expletives]".
Thursday, July 10, 2008
News Break
NEWS
Roger Clemens drops defamation lawsuit against Brian McNamee; files one against himself
Roger Clemens announced last night that he would drop his defamation lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee in favor of filing one against himself.
"Brian did nothing wrong but Mr. Clemens hurt me in ways that I may never recover from", said Roger Clemens, "I want Mr. Clemens to pay his dues".
While the full terms of the lawsuit have yet to be made public the main points of the suit forbid Mr. Clemens from saying anything else about or related to Roger Clemens publicly, and Mr. Clemens will have to pay Roger Clemens full reparations equaling nearly ten million dollars.
"The time for justice is upon us", said Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, "My client deserves what is right and fair. He is a simple, common, middle-class man like the rest of you and he wants to be treated as such".
Brian McNamee was happy yet quiet when asked how he felt about the lawsuit being dropped.
"It is what it is", said McNamee.
BUSINESS
Marlboro releases low-calorie cigarette
Marlboro Tobacco company became the first cigarette company to introduce low-calorie cigarettes into the marketplace when they launched their new line called, "Marlboro LC".
"Cigarettes have gotten have bad rap over the years due to the whole lung cancer thing", said Marlboro executive, Dick Hatch, "With our new LC line we will show the world that the cigarette industry is promoting weight loss and healthy living".
Hatch continued to say that the LC cigarettes were low-calorie because of the removal of three high calorie ingredients; bat guano, tar, and rat poison. With the removal of the aforementioned ingredients Hatch believes that "people will learn that cigarettes aren't all bad" and that the LCs would "go well with a health regimen because they won't fill you up".
Roger Clemens drops defamation lawsuit against Brian McNamee; files one against himself
Roger Clemens announced last night that he would drop his defamation lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee in favor of filing one against himself.
"Brian did nothing wrong but Mr. Clemens hurt me in ways that I may never recover from", said Roger Clemens, "I want Mr. Clemens to pay his dues".
While the full terms of the lawsuit have yet to be made public the main points of the suit forbid Mr. Clemens from saying anything else about or related to Roger Clemens publicly, and Mr. Clemens will have to pay Roger Clemens full reparations equaling nearly ten million dollars.
"The time for justice is upon us", said Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, "My client deserves what is right and fair. He is a simple, common, middle-class man like the rest of you and he wants to be treated as such".
Brian McNamee was happy yet quiet when asked how he felt about the lawsuit being dropped.
"It is what it is", said McNamee.
BUSINESS
Marlboro releases low-calorie cigarette
Marlboro Tobacco company became the first cigarette company to introduce low-calorie cigarettes into the marketplace when they launched their new line called, "Marlboro LC".
"Cigarettes have gotten have bad rap over the years due to the whole lung cancer thing", said Marlboro executive, Dick Hatch, "With our new LC line we will show the world that the cigarette industry is promoting weight loss and healthy living".
Hatch continued to say that the LC cigarettes were low-calorie because of the removal of three high calorie ingredients; bat guano, tar, and rat poison. With the removal of the aforementioned ingredients Hatch believes that "people will learn that cigarettes aren't all bad" and that the LCs would "go well with a health regimen because they won't fill you up".
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Return of Real News
NEWS
US government blames salmonella outbreak on Finland
The American government has blamed the nation of Finland for the recent salmonella outbreak in American tomatoes. The government has already laid out their plan of invasion.
"We are going to hit Finland where it hurts", said Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, "We are going to destroy their tomato crop and their weapons of mass destruction".
Finnish government is extremely surprised and scared by America's threats.
"Our climate is too cold to grow tomatoes or any other vegetable", said Finnish premier, Mika Raikkonen, "The Americans are being idiotic".
"We will not be tricked by their Finnish mind games", said President George W. Bush, "We know what they are up to and we will not stop until they are destroyed".
The President has commissioned the deployment of 400,000 troops to Helsinki by the end of the week.
US government blames salmonella outbreak on Finland
The American government has blamed the nation of Finland for the recent salmonella outbreak in American tomatoes. The government has already laid out their plan of invasion.
"We are going to hit Finland where it hurts", said Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, "We are going to destroy their tomato crop and their weapons of mass destruction".
Finnish government is extremely surprised and scared by America's threats.
"Our climate is too cold to grow tomatoes or any other vegetable", said Finnish premier, Mika Raikkonen, "The Americans are being idiotic".
"We will not be tricked by their Finnish mind games", said President George W. Bush, "We know what they are up to and we will not stop until they are destroyed".
The President has commissioned the deployment of 400,000 troops to Helsinki by the end of the week.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Evening News
NEWS
Independent study places blame for low test scores on teachers, not students
An independent research firm released the results of their latest study titled: Teachers flunk in the classroom.
"After compiling results from the past five years it became quite clear to us that most of today's teachers do not understand the subject they are teaching", said study administrator, Larry Tykes.
"Tykes is a moron", said national teacher of the year, Drew Boras, from Omaha, Nebraska "I know teach better than any other person alive".
So I gave Mr. Boras a short quiz; The results were disturbing.
Q: Who were America's first three Presidents?
A: Jesus Christ, Tom Osbourne, and George W. Bush
Q: What is the capital of England?
A: Washington D.C.
Q: What part of speech is "he"?
A: A word
Q: When is New Year's Day?
A: Once every four years
Q: What country's national anthem is titled, The Star Spangled Banner?
A: Mississippi
When I showed Mr. Boras that he had miserably failed his test he grew quite angry.
"This is rubbish. You got fake facts", said Boras, "I knows that I am right and my kids is right too".
SPORTS
Brett Favre announces that his next retirement date
Brett Favre announced today that he was attempting to make a comeback after "promising" to stay retired after last season. He also stated when his next retirement date will be.
"After alienating everyone in Green Bay by August, I plan to return and perform like the run-down 38-year old that I am", said Favre, "After my next heartfelt retirement ceremony next January, I plan to make another comeback in 2011 and one in 2013 as well".
New Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was less than thrilled about the news.
"Go away!" he said.
Independent study places blame for low test scores on teachers, not students
An independent research firm released the results of their latest study titled: Teachers flunk in the classroom.
"After compiling results from the past five years it became quite clear to us that most of today's teachers do not understand the subject they are teaching", said study administrator, Larry Tykes.
"Tykes is a moron", said national teacher of the year, Drew Boras, from Omaha, Nebraska "I know teach better than any other person alive".
So I gave Mr. Boras a short quiz; The results were disturbing.
Q: Who were America's first three Presidents?
A: Jesus Christ, Tom Osbourne, and George W. Bush
Q: What is the capital of England?
A: Washington D.C.
Q: What part of speech is "he"?
A: A word
Q: When is New Year's Day?
A: Once every four years
Q: What country's national anthem is titled, The Star Spangled Banner?
A: Mississippi
When I showed Mr. Boras that he had miserably failed his test he grew quite angry.
"This is rubbish. You got fake facts", said Boras, "I knows that I am right and my kids is right too".
SPORTS
Brett Favre announces that his next retirement date
Brett Favre announced today that he was attempting to make a comeback after "promising" to stay retired after last season. He also stated when his next retirement date will be.
"After alienating everyone in Green Bay by August, I plan to return and perform like the run-down 38-year old that I am", said Favre, "After my next heartfelt retirement ceremony next January, I plan to make another comeback in 2011 and one in 2013 as well".
New Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was less than thrilled about the news.
"Go away!" he said.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Real News Tonight
NEWS
Man accuses sex doll of rape
A man in St. Louis, Missouri has accused his sex doll of rape.
"She forced herself on me", said "Rick", "I told her to stop but she kept coming".
In a report filed last night to St. Louis police "Ron" stated that the doll had "pulled down his pants and inserted Ron into herself". He later stated that "It was the most traumatic event of my life".
The sex doll was unavailable for comment.
SPORTS
Michael Jordan holds out for more money
Michael Jordan; who signed the biggest contract in NBA history last week with the Charlotte Bobcats is now going to hold out and demand a trade.
"This is nonsense", said Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, "We've been more than flexible with his demands and now that ungrateful player wants to leave Charlotte!?! We broke our contract with TimeWarner Cable to rename the arena after him and now this; it's disgusting".
Jordan's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said that Jordan can't succeed in Charlotte.
"My client wants out of Charlotte", said Rosenhaus, "He deserves better than playing for a lottery team".
Jordan has stated that he would like to return to Chicago.
"I love Chi-town", said Jordan, "I want to win another title there and make the Bulls faithful proud".
Jordan and Bobcats management won't give up.
"We are prepared to give Jordan what he wants to keep him in a Bobcats uniform", said Jordan.
Man accuses sex doll of rape
A man in St. Louis, Missouri has accused his sex doll of rape.
"She forced herself on me", said "Rick", "I told her to stop but she kept coming".
In a report filed last night to St. Louis police "Ron" stated that the doll had "pulled down his pants and inserted Ron into herself". He later stated that "It was the most traumatic event of my life".
The sex doll was unavailable for comment.
SPORTS
Michael Jordan holds out for more money
Michael Jordan; who signed the biggest contract in NBA history last week with the Charlotte Bobcats is now going to hold out and demand a trade.
"This is nonsense", said Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, "We've been more than flexible with his demands and now that ungrateful player wants to leave Charlotte!?! We broke our contract with TimeWarner Cable to rename the arena after him and now this; it's disgusting".
Jordan's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said that Jordan can't succeed in Charlotte.
"My client wants out of Charlotte", said Rosenhaus, "He deserves better than playing for a lottery team".
Jordan has stated that he would like to return to Chicago.
"I love Chi-town", said Jordan, "I want to win another title there and make the Bulls faithful proud".
Jordan and Bobcats management won't give up.
"We are prepared to give Jordan what he wants to keep him in a Bobcats uniform", said Jordan.
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