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POLITICS
President-Elect Barack Obama Resigns
In a move that shocked the world the first ever black President-Elect, Barack Obama, resigned from his post giving the Presidency to the oldest man in Delaware, Joe Biden.
"It was fun while it lasted," said Obama via conference call this afternoon, "but the intense stress that I've endured during these past eight days has been more than i bargained for."
Obama went on to describe the numerous stresses that he endured during his tenure in the White House.
"It was some of the toughest three hours of my life," he said, "Trying to communicate with the current administration was nearly impossible. In order for me to lay out my foreign policy plan, we played charades."
However Obama is quite content with his legacy.
"I've enjoyed serving my country and its citizens as Commander-in-Chief."
ENTERTAINMENT
CBS publicizes details of its mid-season premieres
CBS released its new midseason line-up; take a look.
Dear TV watchers,
As the number one network on television we have decided to take it easy this time around. Instead of adding new original programming to our stacked line-up that includes, three CSIs, 2.5 men, 11th hour, Numb3rs, 60 minutes, 48 hours mystery, 20 Survivors, 7 Amazing Races, and Worst Week, we have decided to revamp our current line-up by changing up some things.
MONDAY
8-8:30 --> The Baby Boom Theory: Where did these old people come from?
8:30-9--> How I Banged your Mother
9-9:30--> Charlie's Whores
9:30-10 -->Worst Week
10-11 --> CSI: Miami
TUESDAY
8-9 --> CSI: N
9-10 --> Pass
10-11 --> Without A Face
WEDNESDAY
8-8:30 --> Old Christine with a facelift
8:30-9 --> Gary Still Unmarried
9-10 --> Criminal Minds: self-explanatory
10-11--> CSI: Lieutenant Dan
THURSDAY
8-9 --> Survivor: Wall Street
9-10 --> CSI: Fuck another one
10-11 --> Eleventh Hour: Go to Bed
FRIDAY
8-9 --> Ghost Whisperer with Anna Nicole Smith
9-10 --> The Ex-List: Donald Trump and his wives
10-11 --> Math Class: Numb3rs
SATURDAY
10-11 --> 48 Hours Mystery: Almost Dateline
SUNDAY
7-8 --> 60 Minutes: Its only 40
8-9 --> The Amazing Race: The life of Barack Obama
9-10 --> Cold Case: Turn on a fucking heater
10-11 --> The Unit: The Allstate Guy
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
One-on-One with Sarah Palin
Yesterday Craig and I sat down with Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, for our second of four interviews with the candidates.
REAL NEWS: What are your thoughts on your performance in the debate on Thursday?
SARAH PALIN: Well I feel like I debated like a real maverick. Because John McCain only debate like mavericks because we are good at being mavericks.
RN: OK; How would you propose to fix the economic mess started under the current administration?
SP: Before I answer that I'd like to say that whenever John and I receive campaign money its called "Maverick Money". We like being mavericks in that sense.
RN: OK we'll move on. How much foreign policy experience do you honestly have?
SP: I have as much as a true, blue maverick should. I don't believe in foreign policy; I believe that everyone should act like good, Christan Americans.
RN: Governor Palin, I'm Jewish.
SP: Oh well. I guess that you can't be a maverick like my fellow Christan's.
RN: What worth do you have as a politician?
SP: Because I'm a Maverick I have lots of worth.
RN: Governor Palin, how did you get to become John McCain's running mate?
SP: Let's say that I could please Senator McCain in ways that Mrs. McCain could not.
RN: Now that we've established that you're a moronic whore who has no respect for other peoples' religions we will leave now.
SP: (With a smile) Good-bye, and remember: Be Maverick-y
REAL NEWS: What are your thoughts on your performance in the debate on Thursday?
SARAH PALIN: Well I feel like I debated like a real maverick. Because John McCain only debate like mavericks because we are good at being mavericks.
RN: OK; How would you propose to fix the economic mess started under the current administration?
SP: Before I answer that I'd like to say that whenever John and I receive campaign money its called "Maverick Money". We like being mavericks in that sense.
RN: OK we'll move on. How much foreign policy experience do you honestly have?
SP: I have as much as a true, blue maverick should. I don't believe in foreign policy; I believe that everyone should act like good, Christan Americans.
RN: Governor Palin, I'm Jewish.
SP: Oh well. I guess that you can't be a maverick like my fellow Christan's.
RN: What worth do you have as a politician?
SP: Because I'm a Maverick I have lots of worth.
RN: Governor Palin, how did you get to become John McCain's running mate?
SP: Let's say that I could please Senator McCain in ways that Mrs. McCain could not.
RN: Now that we've established that you're a moronic whore who has no respect for other peoples' religions we will leave now.
SP: (With a smile) Good-bye, and remember: Be Maverick-y
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
One-on-One with Joe Biden
In the first of our four interviews with the Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates is with Joe Biden. Joe Biden is the senior senator for the state of Delaware, and he is a very passionate and eloquent politician. We sat down with Senator Biden last week at a University of Delaware Mud Hen football game.
REAL NEWS: Why did you accept the vice-presidential nomination from Barack?
JOE BIDEN: Well I wouldn't say that I accepted it. I really got it on a default because Hillary bitched out Barack when he asked her and he wanted someone who looked like Hillary to be his VP. That's when I got call.
RN: Ever since your passionate speech at the Democratic National Convention you have been relatively quiet; why is that?
JB: Well (laughs), I was high when I gave that speech. I'm always high when I give a speech or interview (swallow eight pills). It lets the words flow easier.
RN: Ok...What is your drug of choice?
JB: Cocaine 99% pure.
RN: Well, moving on. What exactly do you do as Senator Obama's running mate?
JB: I go out and try to rally the older voters. So everyday I'll go to either an IHOP or bingo hall or even a nursing home to spread the word.
RN: So in essence you do nothing at all?
JB: Correct, but the food is amazing.
RN: You've been a Delaware Senator for what seems like forever; how do you feel about that?
JB: Like crap. How would you feel being the oldest national politician for Delaware. C'mon be honest with yourself. We have a sang back home: "Delaware: First to ratify the Constitution and last in everything else."
RN: (stare awkwardly) So what are your thoughts on the financial crisis?
JB: I haven't thought on it, but I have thought about it, and I think that the whole system needs to be overhauled. We need to regulate it and solve the problem without out bailing out every Ma and Pop store this side of the Mississippi.
RN: So how do you propose that we fix it?
JB: Ummmmmmmmmmmm, I dk ask my BFF Jill.
RN: Nice commercial plug Senator, and with that I'll transition to your Republican counterpart, Sarah Palin, your thoughts on her?
JB: Well she certainly is nice on the eyes, but then she opens her mouth. Someone should get her a role of toilet paper to clean up the shit coming out of her mouth.
RN: Ha. One last question Mr. Senator; what do you think is the key issue of this campaign?
JB: Well, like Barack Obama said its time for a change.
Next Tuesday we'll have our interview with Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin.
REAL NEWS: Why did you accept the vice-presidential nomination from Barack?
JOE BIDEN: Well I wouldn't say that I accepted it. I really got it on a default because Hillary bitched out Barack when he asked her and he wanted someone who looked like Hillary to be his VP. That's when I got call.
RN: Ever since your passionate speech at the Democratic National Convention you have been relatively quiet; why is that?
JB: Well (laughs), I was high when I gave that speech. I'm always high when I give a speech or interview (swallow eight pills). It lets the words flow easier.
RN: Ok...What is your drug of choice?
JB: Cocaine 99% pure.
RN: Well, moving on. What exactly do you do as Senator Obama's running mate?
JB: I go out and try to rally the older voters. So everyday I'll go to either an IHOP or bingo hall or even a nursing home to spread the word.
RN: So in essence you do nothing at all?
JB: Correct, but the food is amazing.
RN: You've been a Delaware Senator for what seems like forever; how do you feel about that?
JB: Like crap. How would you feel being the oldest national politician for Delaware. C'mon be honest with yourself. We have a sang back home: "Delaware: First to ratify the Constitution and last in everything else."
RN: (stare awkwardly) So what are your thoughts on the financial crisis?
JB: I haven't thought on it, but I have thought about it, and I think that the whole system needs to be overhauled. We need to regulate it and solve the problem without out bailing out every Ma and Pop store this side of the Mississippi.
RN: So how do you propose that we fix it?
JB: Ummmmmmmmmmmm, I dk ask my BFF Jill.
RN: Nice commercial plug Senator, and with that I'll transition to your Republican counterpart, Sarah Palin, your thoughts on her?
JB: Well she certainly is nice on the eyes, but then she opens her mouth. Someone should get her a role of toilet paper to clean up the shit coming out of her mouth.
RN: Ha. One last question Mr. Senator; what do you think is the key issue of this campaign?
JB: Well, like Barack Obama said its time for a change.
Next Tuesday we'll have our interview with Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
ANNOUNCEMENT
We are sorry about slowing down story production. We have been working on our big series for the months of September & October: The Candidates one-on-one. we will post our four-part series with each of the presidential candidates. Ten questions, four politicians, one source for it all: Real News.
Monday, September 8, 2008
NFL Week 1 Re-Cap
AFC EAST
Tom Brady upbeat about his injury
It seems that the happiest person about the season-ending knee injury to Tom Brady is Tom Brady.
"It sucks that I can't play the rest of the year," said Brady, "But who was the genius who picked Matt Cassell in their fantasy draft?"
Patriots coach, Bill Belichick was less than thrilled about Brady's comments.
"I hate fantasy football," said Belichick.
Also Matt Cassell seemed optimistic that he wouldn't let the Patriots or Brady's fantasy team down.
"Well I was backing up the best quarterback in the league," said Cassell, "So that makes me the second best quarterback in the league."
AFC NORTH
Bengals change Chad Ocho Cinco's number to 84
The player formerly known as Chad Johnson was thrown for a spin when the Bengals changed his number from 85 to 84. Bengals coach, Marvin Lewis, was very smug during this afternoon's press conference.
"Now not only is Chad Ocho Cinco an idiot he's mathematically challenged as well."
Ocho Cinco plans on protesting the Bengals decision.
Tom Brady upbeat about his injury
It seems that the happiest person about the season-ending knee injury to Tom Brady is Tom Brady.
"It sucks that I can't play the rest of the year," said Brady, "But who was the genius who picked Matt Cassell in their fantasy draft?"
Patriots coach, Bill Belichick was less than thrilled about Brady's comments.
"I hate fantasy football," said Belichick.
Also Matt Cassell seemed optimistic that he wouldn't let the Patriots or Brady's fantasy team down.
"Well I was backing up the best quarterback in the league," said Cassell, "So that makes me the second best quarterback in the league."
AFC NORTH
Bengals change Chad Ocho Cinco's number to 84
The player formerly known as Chad Johnson was thrown for a spin when the Bengals changed his number from 85 to 84. Bengals coach, Marvin Lewis, was very smug during this afternoon's press conference.
"Now not only is Chad Ocho Cinco an idiot he's mathematically challenged as well."
Ocho Cinco plans on protesting the Bengals decision.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
POLITICS
BUSINESS
StubHub Reports Record Profits After Democratic National Convention
StubHub auctioned off the most expensive ticket in the company's young history Wednesday night in advance of the Demoractic National Convention.
"One ticket at centerfield sold for $400,543," said StubHub executive, Sam Tickies, "It amazes me that the tickets sold considering that they were free".
POLITICS
Republican Party releases their new slogan
Trying to save face from the "Pregnant daughter of the VP candidate-gate" scandal the Republican Party announced their new slogan for the new Presidential ticket.
"Considering that we have an old, crinkly man in John McCain and a hot VPILF in Sarah Palin, we have decided on a creative name for the ticket," said senior Republican official, Harvey Oilman, "We will call the ticket Crust/Lust '08."
StubHub Reports Record Profits After Democratic National Convention
StubHub auctioned off the most expensive ticket in the company's young history Wednesday night in advance of the Demoractic National Convention.
"One ticket at centerfield sold for $400,543," said StubHub executive, Sam Tickies, "It amazes me that the tickets sold considering that they were free".
POLITICS
Republican Party releases their new slogan
Trying to save face from the "Pregnant daughter of the VP candidate-gate" scandal the Republican Party announced their new slogan for the new Presidential ticket.
"Considering that we have an old, crinkly man in John McCain and a hot VPILF in Sarah Palin, we have decided on a creative name for the ticket," said senior Republican official, Harvey Oilman, "We will call the ticket Crust/Lust '08."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Tuesday's News
POLITICS
John McCain names Larry the Cable Guy his running mate.
It looks like the Republicans want to Git er Done as GOP nominee, John McCain, named famous redneck comedian, Larry the Cable Guy his running mate.
"He's young and hip," said McCain, "He'll help us attract the young, urban crowd."
"YEEHA!!" said Larry, "We're gonna Git er Done in DC!"
Barack Obama's acceptance speech will be sponsored by Grape Soda
John McCain names Larry the Cable Guy his running mate.
It looks like the Republicans want to Git er Done as GOP nominee, John McCain, named famous redneck comedian, Larry the Cable Guy his running mate.
"He's young and hip," said McCain, "He'll help us attract the young, urban crowd."
"YEEHA!!" said Larry, "We're gonna Git er Done in DC!"
Barack Obama's acceptance speech will be sponsored by Grape Soda
SPORTS
Vladimir Guerrero sprains his right elbow
Los Angles Angels outfielder, Vladimir Guerrero, was placed on the 15-day disabled list after spraining his elbow while stroking himself excessively (masturbating).
"Its tough for me," said Guerrero, "Guys have needs you know, and I'm to ugly to find a girl to fulfill them. Sorry coach."
Monday, August 25, 2008
Olympic Review
We here at Real News followed the Games of the 29th Olympiad very closely. We apologize for the lack of updates but if I recall correctly we previewed the Olympics and you were supposed to cover them. We're not placing blame but you know who you are. Any who here is our review of the Olympic Games.
SWIMMING
MICHAEL PHELPS!!!
TRACK AND FIELD
USAIN BOLT!!!
BASKETBALL
We reminded the world where the sport was created.
EVERY OTHER SPORT
We didn't care!
Thank you for reading.
SWIMMING
MICHAEL PHELPS!!!
TRACK AND FIELD
USAIN BOLT!!!
BASKETBALL
We reminded the world where the sport was created.
EVERY OTHER SPORT
We didn't care!
Thank you for reading.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
President Bush to send 10,000 troops to Georgia
President George W. Bush shocked the world by saying that he would commit 10,000 military troops to help kick the Russians out of Georgia.
"We will not stop until all the Georgian land has been reclaimed," said President Bush, "The troops will arrive in Atlanta tomorrow morning."
"We will not stop until all the Georgian land has been reclaimed," said President Bush, "The troops will arrive in Atlanta tomorrow morning."
Monday, August 11, 2008
Jason Giambi goes Girl
New York Yankees first baseman, Jason Giambi, has credited his recent hitting streak to his newest superstitution: A sex change.
Giambi underwent the operation a week ago and his teammates have remained nonchalant about it.
"His balls were minute ever since he started taking his 'Vitamin B12' six years ago," said fellow Yankee, Derek Jeter, "It was like nothing changed".
Scientists Release Their Top 7 Discoveries from the First Half of 2008
A group of top scientists, financial advisers, Harvard graduates, and other smart people released their top seven discoveries from the first half of 2008.
1: Weed is healthy for you as long as you don't smoke it.
2: The easiest way to stay out of debt is to not spend money.
3: AIDS is bad.
4: Fuck Y*le.
5: The chicken came a month before the egg.
6: Blind people can't enjoy television.
7: A computer mouse can be classified as a rodent.
Giambi underwent the operation a week ago and his teammates have remained nonchalant about it.
"His balls were minute ever since he started taking his 'Vitamin B12' six years ago," said fellow Yankee, Derek Jeter, "It was like nothing changed".
Scientists Release Their Top 7 Discoveries from the First Half of 2008
A group of top scientists, financial advisers, Harvard graduates, and other smart people released their top seven discoveries from the first half of 2008.
1: Weed is healthy for you as long as you don't smoke it.
2: The easiest way to stay out of debt is to not spend money.
3: AIDS is bad.
4: Fuck Y*le.
5: The chicken came a month before the egg.
6: Blind people can't enjoy television.
7: A computer mouse can be classified as a rodent.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Olympic Preview
We at Real News are committed to giving you coverage of the Olympics. So we are going to preview them and you are going to covering them.
ARCHERY
Maybe a couple of Koreans win; I really don't know or care, but hopefully it turns into the movie "Phone Booth" except with arrows and without Colin Farrell.
BADMINTON
Everyone knows that it will be two Chinese guys with one syllable names and a Korean for flavor.
BASEBALL
It will be Cuba or Japan because they actually care.
BASKETBALL
USA all the way, at least that is what Tim Donaghy's bookie says.
BOXING
People will tune in until they realize that Floyd Mayweather isn't fighting.
CYCLING
Last one doping wins.
DIVING
Should be interesting considering that the Chinese government drained the pool.
EQUESTRIAN
People on horses without the betting and without Big Brown.
FENCING
It's a tossup between Jack Sparrow and Vlad the Impaler.
FIELD HOCKEY
A bunch of women playing with short, little sticks: AKA the Pussycat Dolls with the Jonas Brothers.
GYMNASTICS
Come on; China is actually good at this, do you think that the government will let them lose?
RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS
Will hopefully surpass growing grass in the ratings.
MEN'S TRAMPOLINE
GROW UP!
JUDO
Almost like the UFC, just without the ass-kicking.
MODERN PENTATHLON
All new event lineup should make it interesting: Guitar Hero, Dance Dance Revolution, bubble gum blowing contest, Rock Paper Scissors, and Russian Roulette.
ROWING
Expect hundreds of strokes.
SAILING
Also known as "The Whitest sport around".
SHOOTING
Everyone is picking Vince Vaughn in the new "Dodge Shooting" event.
MEN'S SOCCER
Brazil
WOMEN'S SOCCER
USA
SOFTBALL
America, seriously does anyone else know how to play it?
MEN'S SWIMMING
Only an idiot wouldn't pick Michael Phelps, and we are not those idiots.
WOMEN'S SWIMMING
Michael Phelps. He'll glue on some tits and still kick ass.
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING
If you actually care about this sport e-mail us.
TABLE TENNIS
Do we really need to actually type in China?
TAEKWONDO
See Judo
TEAM HANDBALL
Ewwwwwwwwwwww gross.
MEN'S TENNIS
The tape of Federer v Nadal at Wimbledon.
WOMEN'S TENNIS
Serena Williams, because Venus won last time.
SPRINT RACING
Kyle Busch and Jimmie Johnson are the top two.
DISTANCE RUNNING
Whoever doesn't breathe in the air will win.
TRIATHLON
Oh well.
VOLLEYBALL
Dammit how many sports are there in this damn thing?
WATER POLO
USA should win with the likes of Big Brown in the pool.
WEIGHTLIFTING
We pick whatever team decides to use a forklift instead.
WRESTLING
John Cena is going to.....DAMN! Its "real" wrestling.
That's it for the preview. Don't forget to catch all of the Olympic action on NBC and their family of networks: USA, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, NBC Universal HD, Oxygen, and Matt Lauer's ass.
ARCHERY
Maybe a couple of Koreans win; I really don't know or care, but hopefully it turns into the movie "Phone Booth" except with arrows and without Colin Farrell.
BADMINTON
Everyone knows that it will be two Chinese guys with one syllable names and a Korean for flavor.
BASEBALL
It will be Cuba or Japan because they actually care.
BASKETBALL
USA all the way, at least that is what Tim Donaghy's bookie says.
BOXING
People will tune in until they realize that Floyd Mayweather isn't fighting.
CYCLING
Last one doping wins.
DIVING
Should be interesting considering that the Chinese government drained the pool.
EQUESTRIAN
People on horses without the betting and without Big Brown.
FENCING
It's a tossup between Jack Sparrow and Vlad the Impaler.
FIELD HOCKEY
A bunch of women playing with short, little sticks: AKA the Pussycat Dolls with the Jonas Brothers.
GYMNASTICS
Come on; China is actually good at this, do you think that the government will let them lose?
RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS
Will hopefully surpass growing grass in the ratings.
MEN'S TRAMPOLINE
GROW UP!
JUDO
Almost like the UFC, just without the ass-kicking.
MODERN PENTATHLON
All new event lineup should make it interesting: Guitar Hero, Dance Dance Revolution, bubble gum blowing contest, Rock Paper Scissors, and Russian Roulette.
ROWING
Expect hundreds of strokes.
SAILING
Also known as "The Whitest sport around".
SHOOTING
Everyone is picking Vince Vaughn in the new "Dodge Shooting" event.
MEN'S SOCCER
Brazil
WOMEN'S SOCCER
USA
SOFTBALL
America, seriously does anyone else know how to play it?
MEN'S SWIMMING
Only an idiot wouldn't pick Michael Phelps, and we are not those idiots.
WOMEN'S SWIMMING
Michael Phelps. He'll glue on some tits and still kick ass.
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING
If you actually care about this sport e-mail us.
TABLE TENNIS
Do we really need to actually type in China?
TAEKWONDO
See Judo
TEAM HANDBALL
Ewwwwwwwwwwww gross.
MEN'S TENNIS
The tape of Federer v Nadal at Wimbledon.
WOMEN'S TENNIS
Serena Williams, because Venus won last time.
SPRINT RACING
Kyle Busch and Jimmie Johnson are the top two.
DISTANCE RUNNING
Whoever doesn't breathe in the air will win.
TRIATHLON
Oh well.
VOLLEYBALL
Dammit how many sports are there in this damn thing?
WATER POLO
USA should win with the likes of Big Brown in the pool.
WEIGHTLIFTING
We pick whatever team decides to use a forklift instead.
WRESTLING
John Cena is going to.....DAMN! Its "real" wrestling.
That's it for the preview. Don't forget to catch all of the Olympic action on NBC and their family of networks: USA, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, NBC Universal HD, Oxygen, and Matt Lauer's ass.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Monday Afternoon News
SPORTS
President Bush lays out plan to help Texas Rangers beat the heat
President George W. Bush called a press conference today to announce his plans to help his beloved Texas Rangers stay cool. The plan calls for covering the Ballpark at Arlington (Texas Rangers stadium) with a greenhouse dome.
"Well ya know, I know that them greenhouses help protect us from the Sun or something like that. So that's what we is gonna do to help keep the boys cool."
The Rangers are not pleased.
"What the hell? The dome makes the heat worse," said Rangers outfielder, Josh Hamilton, "Its stuff like this that makes me want to shoot up again. So I'm giving the Rangers two options: let me go or I'll play half-assed like Manny did."
"Mr. Hamilton is wrong," said the President, "Green is good and houses are good so greenhouses are super-good."
NEWS
Boston to eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet
No one was shocked when Boston's mayor, Tom Menino, announced today that Boston would eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet and it replace it with the letter "H".
"We don't use the letteh "R" at all anyway," said Menino, "But we will continue to use it when it begins a wohd."
Many Bostonians are happy with the result.
"Finally I'll be able to spell Gahden cohhectly," said local bahtendeh, Paul O'Houlihan, "Evehyone knows that the Sox play at Fenway Pahk and the Pathiots play in Foxboho. We don't know why the rest of Amehica doesn't talk and spell like us."
President Bush lays out plan to help Texas Rangers beat the heat
President George W. Bush called a press conference today to announce his plans to help his beloved Texas Rangers stay cool. The plan calls for covering the Ballpark at Arlington (Texas Rangers stadium) with a greenhouse dome.
"Well ya know, I know that them greenhouses help protect us from the Sun or something like that. So that's what we is gonna do to help keep the boys cool."
The Rangers are not pleased.
"What the hell? The dome makes the heat worse," said Rangers outfielder, Josh Hamilton, "Its stuff like this that makes me want to shoot up again. So I'm giving the Rangers two options: let me go or I'll play half-assed like Manny did."
"Mr. Hamilton is wrong," said the President, "Green is good and houses are good so greenhouses are super-good."
NEWS
Boston to eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet
No one was shocked when Boston's mayor, Tom Menino, announced today that Boston would eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet and it replace it with the letter "H".
"We don't use the letteh "R" at all anyway," said Menino, "But we will continue to use it when it begins a wohd."
Many Bostonians are happy with the result.
"Finally I'll be able to spell Gahden cohhectly," said local bahtendeh, Paul O'Houlihan, "Evehyone knows that the Sox play at Fenway Pahk and the Pathiots play in Foxboho. We don't know why the rest of Amehica doesn't talk and spell like us."
Friday, August 1, 2008
A letter to Manny Ramirez
Dear Manny Ramirez,
As a die-hard Boston Red Sox fan I am sad to see you depart for Los Angeles. However there are several things that L.A. has that Boston never will that you can look forward to.
I know how much you loved the fans in Boston and we loved you, but in L.A. you won't be able to love the fans because there aren't any. You also probably enjoyed stepping to the plate in the ninth inning and seeing thousands of eyes looking back at you hoping that you would come through in the clutch. In Los Angeles you will have thousands of empty plastic chairs looking at you because all in attendance leave by the seventh inning. I know how you said that Boston doesn't deserve you, but L.A. won't even care about you.
Finally be prepared to be thrown into a heated divisional race that pits two teams with losing records. So Manny have fun in Hollywood, enjoy playing in such historic stadiums as PETCO Park and Chase Field, and remember to have fun because rather than playing with Josh Beckett and David Ortiz you'll play with Andre Ethier and Shawn Kemp.
Sincerely,
Mike Abelson
As a die-hard Boston Red Sox fan I am sad to see you depart for Los Angeles. However there are several things that L.A. has that Boston never will that you can look forward to.
I know how much you loved the fans in Boston and we loved you, but in L.A. you won't be able to love the fans because there aren't any. You also probably enjoyed stepping to the plate in the ninth inning and seeing thousands of eyes looking back at you hoping that you would come through in the clutch. In Los Angeles you will have thousands of empty plastic chairs looking at you because all in attendance leave by the seventh inning. I know how you said that Boston doesn't deserve you, but L.A. won't even care about you.
Finally be prepared to be thrown into a heated divisional race that pits two teams with losing records. So Manny have fun in Hollywood, enjoy playing in such historic stadiums as PETCO Park and Chase Field, and remember to have fun because rather than playing with Josh Beckett and David Ortiz you'll play with Andre Ethier and Shawn Kemp.
Sincerely,
Mike Abelson
Thursday, July 31, 2008
MLB Trading Deadline Special
SPORTS
New York Yankees trade LaTroy Hawkins for entire American League
The New York Yankees continued their spending spree today by acquiring the entire American League for marginal relief pitcher, LaTroy Hawkins. The move increases the Yankees payroll up to approximately 1.2 billion dollars.
"We were going to trade for the National League as well, but then we realized that they just suck," said Yankees general manager, Brian Cashman, "We feel that it was a good deal for our organization."
The new Yankees lineup will be slightly better than the current one:
1 - Ichiro Suzuki
2 - Derek Jeter
3 - David Ortiz
4 - Alex Rodriguez
5 - Josh Hamilton
6 - Robinson Cano
7 - Torii Hunter
8 - Kevin Youkilis
9 - Joe Mauer
The bench will also include several good players:
C - Ivan Rodriguez
INF - Carlos Pena
INF - Dustin Pedroia
INF - Evan Longoria
OF - Grady Sizemore
OF - Jermaine Dye
OF - Vladimir Guerrero
The starting rotation will be marginal at best:
1 - Scott Kazmir
2 - Cliff Lee
3 - Joba Chamberlain
4 - Roy Halladay
5 - John Lackey
And then there is the bullpen:
RHP - Jonathan Papelbon
RHP - Mariano Rivera
LHP - George Sherrill
RHP - Troy Percival
RHP - Edwar Ramirez
Closer - Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod)
"I now think that we got a shot at taking the division," said Yankees owner, Hank Steinbrenner.
Boston Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez back to Cleveland
Manny will have to be Manny back in Cleveland as he was traded back to his original team for fictional players, Rick Vaughan and Willy Mays Hays.
"We got the best fictional players available," said Sox GM, Theo Epstein, "While they will never actually be able to play they should be able to help us get to where we need to be."
Many remember Rick Vaughan (who looks a lot like Charlie Sheen) as "Wild Thangggg!!!" Vaughan was apathetic about the trade.
"Who the hell cares?" said Vaughan, "I'll come in again in another key situation and strike out the mother [expletive] out in slow motion like I always do."
Willy Mays Hays was excited about the move.
"I am the greatest base stealer ever," he said, "Rickey Henderson ain't got nothing on me".
The Red Sox organization were cautious about Hays as he looks identical to convicted tax evader, Wesley Snipes.
New York Yankees trade LaTroy Hawkins for entire American League
The New York Yankees continued their spending spree today by acquiring the entire American League for marginal relief pitcher, LaTroy Hawkins. The move increases the Yankees payroll up to approximately 1.2 billion dollars.
"We were going to trade for the National League as well, but then we realized that they just suck," said Yankees general manager, Brian Cashman, "We feel that it was a good deal for our organization."
The new Yankees lineup will be slightly better than the current one:
1 - Ichiro Suzuki
2 - Derek Jeter
3 - David Ortiz
4 - Alex Rodriguez
5 - Josh Hamilton
6 - Robinson Cano
7 - Torii Hunter
8 - Kevin Youkilis
9 - Joe Mauer
The bench will also include several good players:
C - Ivan Rodriguez
INF - Carlos Pena
INF - Dustin Pedroia
INF - Evan Longoria
OF - Grady Sizemore
OF - Jermaine Dye
OF - Vladimir Guerrero
The starting rotation will be marginal at best:
1 - Scott Kazmir
2 - Cliff Lee
3 - Joba Chamberlain
4 - Roy Halladay
5 - John Lackey
And then there is the bullpen:
RHP - Jonathan Papelbon
RHP - Mariano Rivera
LHP - George Sherrill
RHP - Troy Percival
RHP - Edwar Ramirez
Closer - Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod)
"I now think that we got a shot at taking the division," said Yankees owner, Hank Steinbrenner.
Boston Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez back to Cleveland
Manny will have to be Manny back in Cleveland as he was traded back to his original team for fictional players, Rick Vaughan and Willy Mays Hays.
"We got the best fictional players available," said Sox GM, Theo Epstein, "While they will never actually be able to play they should be able to help us get to where we need to be."
Many remember Rick Vaughan (who looks a lot like Charlie Sheen) as "Wild Thangggg!!!" Vaughan was apathetic about the trade.
"Who the hell cares?" said Vaughan, "I'll come in again in another key situation and strike out the mother [expletive] out in slow motion like I always do."
Willy Mays Hays was excited about the move.
"I am the greatest base stealer ever," he said, "Rickey Henderson ain't got nothing on me".
The Red Sox organization were cautious about Hays as he looks identical to convicted tax evader, Wesley Snipes.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Evening News
ENTERTAINMENT
Lil Wayne sues Three 6 Mafia for use of "Lollipop"
Rapper/hip-hop star, Lil Wayne, sued Three 6 Mafia over the use of "Lollipop".
"It's my candy," said Lil Wayne, "And Three 6 Mafia knows that I use it to "make it juicy for ya", so they gotta pick something else."
Three 6 Mafia has no intentions of removing the term, "Lollipop" from their hit song, Lolli Lolli.
"We got an Oscar; we can do whatever we want," said member, Juicy J.
SPORTS
Donovan McNabb legally changes his last name to McLovin
McLovin will now be an NFL superstar as Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb changed his last name to McLovin earlier today.
Lil Wayne sues Three 6 Mafia for use of "Lollipop"
Rapper/hip-hop star, Lil Wayne, sued Three 6 Mafia over the use of "Lollipop".
"It's my candy," said Lil Wayne, "And Three 6 Mafia knows that I use it to "make it juicy for ya", so they gotta pick something else."
Three 6 Mafia has no intentions of removing the term, "Lollipop" from their hit song, Lolli Lolli.
"We got an Oscar; we can do whatever we want," said member, Juicy J.
SPORTS
Donovan McNabb legally changes his last name to McLovin
McLovin will now be an NFL superstar as Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb changed his last name to McLovin earlier today.
"I'm McLovin now," said the former Donovan McNabb, "By November everyone will be saying that McLovin is the best quarterback in the NFL."
Eagles coach, Andy Reid was flustered about the name change.
"It is going to be interesting radioing in to the huddle, 'McLovin slash 18 zig cut'. It doesn't sound right."
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Return of Real News
ENTERTAINMENT
Rolling Stone Magazine gives "Election 2008" .5 stars
Rolling Stone Magazine confirmed our worst fears today when they announced their review of "Election 2008": It sucks.
"This has been one of the worst movies I have ever seen," said Rolling Stone reviewer, Wesley Morris, "There is no plot line and the characters are appalling".
Morris cited one scene in particular when the "Barack Obama" character repeated the phrase "Yes We Can" endlessly for twenty minutes. Another scene that angered Morris took place in the prologue where we see the "John McCain" character run around his office looking for his pet dinosaur for an hour.
"Walleeeeeeeeeeee! Where are you Walleeee!?!?!", said McCain during his search.
The film was scheduled to debut in November but it will instead be released straight to video and DVD.
Rolling Stone Magazine gives "Election 2008" .5 stars
Rolling Stone Magazine confirmed our worst fears today when they announced their review of "Election 2008": It sucks.
"This has been one of the worst movies I have ever seen," said Rolling Stone reviewer, Wesley Morris, "There is no plot line and the characters are appalling".
Morris cited one scene in particular when the "Barack Obama" character repeated the phrase "Yes We Can" endlessly for twenty minutes. Another scene that angered Morris took place in the prologue where we see the "John McCain" character run around his office looking for his pet dinosaur for an hour.
"Walleeeeeeeeeeee! Where are you Walleeee!?!?!", said McCain during his search.
The film was scheduled to debut in November but it will instead be released straight to video and DVD.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
News Session
NEWS
Santa Claus shot down over no-fly zone
At around two o'clock this morning Santa Claus was shot down by an F-15 fighter jet while testing his new sleigh over the Pentagon.
"It's not our fault," said pilot J.J. Gomes of the 1,067th airborne division, "He was in a no fly zone and he wouldn't respond to our calls; so we took him out."
Santa Claus was unharmed in the incident however five reindeer were killed and three are in critical condition.
"Those [expletives]," said Santa, "I was testing out my new 35 liter, 18,000 reindeer power engine, when those government [expletives] shot at me. They took out Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen, and Dancer. I can't replace those type of reindeer; the [expletives] are going to pay for this."
SPORTS
The New York Jets evicted from Giants Stadium
The New York Jets are going to have to find a new home next year as they were evicted from Giants Stadium late last night.
"They were losing money every game," said Giants owner, John Mara, "We had to pay out of pocket for all of the empty seats at their games. The deal was five years, but as you can tell its been more than five years and we've been more than generous, but we can't have people like Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens devaluing the property. It is time for the Jets to leave."
Giants wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, was happy that the Jets were evicted.
"They suck," he said, "I'm glad that them [expletives] that think they're a football team are gone."
In the interim, the Jets will play in Central Park.
Santa Claus shot down over no-fly zone
At around two o'clock this morning Santa Claus was shot down by an F-15 fighter jet while testing his new sleigh over the Pentagon.
"It's not our fault," said pilot J.J. Gomes of the 1,067th airborne division, "He was in a no fly zone and he wouldn't respond to our calls; so we took him out."
Santa Claus was unharmed in the incident however five reindeer were killed and three are in critical condition.
"Those [expletives]," said Santa, "I was testing out my new 35 liter, 18,000 reindeer power engine, when those government [expletives] shot at me. They took out Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen, and Dancer. I can't replace those type of reindeer; the [expletives] are going to pay for this."
SPORTS
The New York Jets evicted from Giants Stadium
The New York Jets are going to have to find a new home next year as they were evicted from Giants Stadium late last night.
"They were losing money every game," said Giants owner, John Mara, "We had to pay out of pocket for all of the empty seats at their games. The deal was five years, but as you can tell its been more than five years and we've been more than generous, but we can't have people like Chad Pennington and Kellen Clemens devaluing the property. It is time for the Jets to leave."
Giants wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, was happy that the Jets were evicted.
"They suck," he said, "I'm glad that them [expletives] that think they're a football team are gone."
In the interim, the Jets will play in Central Park.
Monday, July 14, 2008
News and such
SPORTS
Red Sox Nation to create their own country
The thousands of members of Red Sox Nation rejoiced today when they learned that they would become an official nation. The United Nations officially recognized Red Sox Nation during a meeting last night. The terms of statehood granted Red Sox Nation the first "fluid" membership, meaning that there is not one point on a map that will be pinned as Red Sox Nation. The capital cities of RSN will be sixty percent of Seattle, eighty percent of Baltimore, half of Tampa Bay, 75% of Toronto, and of course Boston. The nation will be based at Yawkey Way in Boston. general manager Theo Epstein is ecstatic with the result.
" We have been pushing for this result for years and to see it finally happen is a dream come true".
There will be strict guidelines within RSN, the most notable is how the benefits system will work. For all citizens who were legal RSN citizens before July 14, 2004 they will receive full government benefits including health care, salary, and free education. However for people who immigrated to Red Sox Nation after July 14, 2004, they will receive absolutely no government benefits.
"We call those people wagon-jumpers", said 78 year old, lifelong citizen, Hal McCarthy in reference to the post 2004 citizens, "They ought to be ashamed for doing that!"
The national anthem for the young nation will be "Tessie", the nation's colors will be red an white, and the nation's first president will be Terry Francona.
ENTERTAINMENT
Miley Cyrus to join G-Unit
Today the rap group, G-Unit, announced the addition of their newest member: Miley Cyrus.
"She's dope", said lead member 50 Cent, "She's a natural for this [expletive]"
Cyrus wasn't G-Unit's first choice; they were originally going after the Jonas Brothers until they realized that they were just [expletive] awful.
"They can't sing", said fellow G-Unit member, Lloyd Banks.
Miley Cyrus was thrilled after meeting her new band mates.
"It was like, awesome", she said, "The culture blend is going to be super cool. I can't wait to start working with my new [expletives]".
Red Sox Nation to create their own country
The thousands of members of Red Sox Nation rejoiced today when they learned that they would become an official nation. The United Nations officially recognized Red Sox Nation during a meeting last night. The terms of statehood granted Red Sox Nation the first "fluid" membership, meaning that there is not one point on a map that will be pinned as Red Sox Nation. The capital cities of RSN will be sixty percent of Seattle, eighty percent of Baltimore, half of Tampa Bay, 75% of Toronto, and of course Boston. The nation will be based at Yawkey Way in Boston. general manager Theo Epstein is ecstatic with the result.
" We have been pushing for this result for years and to see it finally happen is a dream come true".
There will be strict guidelines within RSN, the most notable is how the benefits system will work. For all citizens who were legal RSN citizens before July 14, 2004 they will receive full government benefits including health care, salary, and free education. However for people who immigrated to Red Sox Nation after July 14, 2004, they will receive absolutely no government benefits.
"We call those people wagon-jumpers", said 78 year old, lifelong citizen, Hal McCarthy in reference to the post 2004 citizens, "They ought to be ashamed for doing that!"
The national anthem for the young nation will be "Tessie", the nation's colors will be red an white, and the nation's first president will be Terry Francona.
ENTERTAINMENT
Miley Cyrus to join G-Unit
Today the rap group, G-Unit, announced the addition of their newest member: Miley Cyrus.
"She's dope", said lead member 50 Cent, "She's a natural for this [expletive]"
Cyrus wasn't G-Unit's first choice; they were originally going after the Jonas Brothers until they realized that they were just [expletive] awful.
"They can't sing", said fellow G-Unit member, Lloyd Banks.
Miley Cyrus was thrilled after meeting her new band mates.
"It was like, awesome", she said, "The culture blend is going to be super cool. I can't wait to start working with my new [expletives]".
Thursday, July 10, 2008
News Break
NEWS
Roger Clemens drops defamation lawsuit against Brian McNamee; files one against himself
Roger Clemens announced last night that he would drop his defamation lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee in favor of filing one against himself.
"Brian did nothing wrong but Mr. Clemens hurt me in ways that I may never recover from", said Roger Clemens, "I want Mr. Clemens to pay his dues".
While the full terms of the lawsuit have yet to be made public the main points of the suit forbid Mr. Clemens from saying anything else about or related to Roger Clemens publicly, and Mr. Clemens will have to pay Roger Clemens full reparations equaling nearly ten million dollars.
"The time for justice is upon us", said Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, "My client deserves what is right and fair. He is a simple, common, middle-class man like the rest of you and he wants to be treated as such".
Brian McNamee was happy yet quiet when asked how he felt about the lawsuit being dropped.
"It is what it is", said McNamee.
BUSINESS
Marlboro releases low-calorie cigarette
Marlboro Tobacco company became the first cigarette company to introduce low-calorie cigarettes into the marketplace when they launched their new line called, "Marlboro LC".
"Cigarettes have gotten have bad rap over the years due to the whole lung cancer thing", said Marlboro executive, Dick Hatch, "With our new LC line we will show the world that the cigarette industry is promoting weight loss and healthy living".
Hatch continued to say that the LC cigarettes were low-calorie because of the removal of three high calorie ingredients; bat guano, tar, and rat poison. With the removal of the aforementioned ingredients Hatch believes that "people will learn that cigarettes aren't all bad" and that the LCs would "go well with a health regimen because they won't fill you up".
Roger Clemens drops defamation lawsuit against Brian McNamee; files one against himself
Roger Clemens announced last night that he would drop his defamation lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee in favor of filing one against himself.
"Brian did nothing wrong but Mr. Clemens hurt me in ways that I may never recover from", said Roger Clemens, "I want Mr. Clemens to pay his dues".
While the full terms of the lawsuit have yet to be made public the main points of the suit forbid Mr. Clemens from saying anything else about or related to Roger Clemens publicly, and Mr. Clemens will have to pay Roger Clemens full reparations equaling nearly ten million dollars.
"The time for justice is upon us", said Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, "My client deserves what is right and fair. He is a simple, common, middle-class man like the rest of you and he wants to be treated as such".
Brian McNamee was happy yet quiet when asked how he felt about the lawsuit being dropped.
"It is what it is", said McNamee.
BUSINESS
Marlboro releases low-calorie cigarette
Marlboro Tobacco company became the first cigarette company to introduce low-calorie cigarettes into the marketplace when they launched their new line called, "Marlboro LC".
"Cigarettes have gotten have bad rap over the years due to the whole lung cancer thing", said Marlboro executive, Dick Hatch, "With our new LC line we will show the world that the cigarette industry is promoting weight loss and healthy living".
Hatch continued to say that the LC cigarettes were low-calorie because of the removal of three high calorie ingredients; bat guano, tar, and rat poison. With the removal of the aforementioned ingredients Hatch believes that "people will learn that cigarettes aren't all bad" and that the LCs would "go well with a health regimen because they won't fill you up".
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Return of Real News
NEWS
US government blames salmonella outbreak on Finland
The American government has blamed the nation of Finland for the recent salmonella outbreak in American tomatoes. The government has already laid out their plan of invasion.
"We are going to hit Finland where it hurts", said Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, "We are going to destroy their tomato crop and their weapons of mass destruction".
Finnish government is extremely surprised and scared by America's threats.
"Our climate is too cold to grow tomatoes or any other vegetable", said Finnish premier, Mika Raikkonen, "The Americans are being idiotic".
"We will not be tricked by their Finnish mind games", said President George W. Bush, "We know what they are up to and we will not stop until they are destroyed".
The President has commissioned the deployment of 400,000 troops to Helsinki by the end of the week.
US government blames salmonella outbreak on Finland
The American government has blamed the nation of Finland for the recent salmonella outbreak in American tomatoes. The government has already laid out their plan of invasion.
"We are going to hit Finland where it hurts", said Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, "We are going to destroy their tomato crop and their weapons of mass destruction".
Finnish government is extremely surprised and scared by America's threats.
"Our climate is too cold to grow tomatoes or any other vegetable", said Finnish premier, Mika Raikkonen, "The Americans are being idiotic".
"We will not be tricked by their Finnish mind games", said President George W. Bush, "We know what they are up to and we will not stop until they are destroyed".
The President has commissioned the deployment of 400,000 troops to Helsinki by the end of the week.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Evening News
NEWS
Independent study places blame for low test scores on teachers, not students
An independent research firm released the results of their latest study titled: Teachers flunk in the classroom.
"After compiling results from the past five years it became quite clear to us that most of today's teachers do not understand the subject they are teaching", said study administrator, Larry Tykes.
"Tykes is a moron", said national teacher of the year, Drew Boras, from Omaha, Nebraska "I know teach better than any other person alive".
So I gave Mr. Boras a short quiz; The results were disturbing.
Q: Who were America's first three Presidents?
A: Jesus Christ, Tom Osbourne, and George W. Bush
Q: What is the capital of England?
A: Washington D.C.
Q: What part of speech is "he"?
A: A word
Q: When is New Year's Day?
A: Once every four years
Q: What country's national anthem is titled, The Star Spangled Banner?
A: Mississippi
When I showed Mr. Boras that he had miserably failed his test he grew quite angry.
"This is rubbish. You got fake facts", said Boras, "I knows that I am right and my kids is right too".
SPORTS
Brett Favre announces that his next retirement date
Brett Favre announced today that he was attempting to make a comeback after "promising" to stay retired after last season. He also stated when his next retirement date will be.
"After alienating everyone in Green Bay by August, I plan to return and perform like the run-down 38-year old that I am", said Favre, "After my next heartfelt retirement ceremony next January, I plan to make another comeback in 2011 and one in 2013 as well".
New Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was less than thrilled about the news.
"Go away!" he said.
Independent study places blame for low test scores on teachers, not students
An independent research firm released the results of their latest study titled: Teachers flunk in the classroom.
"After compiling results from the past five years it became quite clear to us that most of today's teachers do not understand the subject they are teaching", said study administrator, Larry Tykes.
"Tykes is a moron", said national teacher of the year, Drew Boras, from Omaha, Nebraska "I know teach better than any other person alive".
So I gave Mr. Boras a short quiz; The results were disturbing.
Q: Who were America's first three Presidents?
A: Jesus Christ, Tom Osbourne, and George W. Bush
Q: What is the capital of England?
A: Washington D.C.
Q: What part of speech is "he"?
A: A word
Q: When is New Year's Day?
A: Once every four years
Q: What country's national anthem is titled, The Star Spangled Banner?
A: Mississippi
When I showed Mr. Boras that he had miserably failed his test he grew quite angry.
"This is rubbish. You got fake facts", said Boras, "I knows that I am right and my kids is right too".
SPORTS
Brett Favre announces that his next retirement date
Brett Favre announced today that he was attempting to make a comeback after "promising" to stay retired after last season. He also stated when his next retirement date will be.
"After alienating everyone in Green Bay by August, I plan to return and perform like the run-down 38-year old that I am", said Favre, "After my next heartfelt retirement ceremony next January, I plan to make another comeback in 2011 and one in 2013 as well".
New Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was less than thrilled about the news.
"Go away!" he said.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Real News Tonight
NEWS
Man accuses sex doll of rape
A man in St. Louis, Missouri has accused his sex doll of rape.
"She forced herself on me", said "Rick", "I told her to stop but she kept coming".
In a report filed last night to St. Louis police "Ron" stated that the doll had "pulled down his pants and inserted Ron into herself". He later stated that "It was the most traumatic event of my life".
The sex doll was unavailable for comment.
SPORTS
Michael Jordan holds out for more money
Michael Jordan; who signed the biggest contract in NBA history last week with the Charlotte Bobcats is now going to hold out and demand a trade.
"This is nonsense", said Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, "We've been more than flexible with his demands and now that ungrateful player wants to leave Charlotte!?! We broke our contract with TimeWarner Cable to rename the arena after him and now this; it's disgusting".
Jordan's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said that Jordan can't succeed in Charlotte.
"My client wants out of Charlotte", said Rosenhaus, "He deserves better than playing for a lottery team".
Jordan has stated that he would like to return to Chicago.
"I love Chi-town", said Jordan, "I want to win another title there and make the Bulls faithful proud".
Jordan and Bobcats management won't give up.
"We are prepared to give Jordan what he wants to keep him in a Bobcats uniform", said Jordan.
Man accuses sex doll of rape
A man in St. Louis, Missouri has accused his sex doll of rape.
"She forced herself on me", said "Rick", "I told her to stop but she kept coming".
In a report filed last night to St. Louis police "Ron" stated that the doll had "pulled down his pants and inserted Ron into herself". He later stated that "It was the most traumatic event of my life".
The sex doll was unavailable for comment.
SPORTS
Michael Jordan holds out for more money
Michael Jordan; who signed the biggest contract in NBA history last week with the Charlotte Bobcats is now going to hold out and demand a trade.
"This is nonsense", said Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, "We've been more than flexible with his demands and now that ungrateful player wants to leave Charlotte!?! We broke our contract with TimeWarner Cable to rename the arena after him and now this; it's disgusting".
Jordan's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said that Jordan can't succeed in Charlotte.
"My client wants out of Charlotte", said Rosenhaus, "He deserves better than playing for a lottery team".
Jordan has stated that he would like to return to Chicago.
"I love Chi-town", said Jordan, "I want to win another title there and make the Bulls faithful proud".
Jordan and Bobcats management won't give up.
"We are prepared to give Jordan what he wants to keep him in a Bobcats uniform", said Jordan.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Monday Edition
NEWS
Michael Vick to become veterinarian
Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, has stated that upon his release from prison he plans on becoming a veterinarian.
"I've always loved animals", said Vick, "I want to help as many animals as I can".
Vick plans on becoming a domestic veterinarian so he can help heal his favorite animals: dogs.
ENTERTAINMENT
God and Satan to star in an upcoming episode of TLC's, Trading Spaces
TLC announced today that God and Satan would spruce up a room in the other's home on Trading Spaces.
"We are very excited to be hosting such a huge event", said TLC executive Tim Despain, "I hope that everything turns out well".
God and Satan have both made explicit demands as to what the other should not use in the re-decoration.
"I hate red and black", said God, "He better not put red and black in there; he owes me for putting Ben Affleck's acting career in purgatory".
"I don't want anything with angels", Satan responded, "No clouds or golden gates; I want a mural of Megadeth on the wall".
The episode will air on Friday, October 31st.
Michael Vick to become veterinarian
Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, has stated that upon his release from prison he plans on becoming a veterinarian.
"I've always loved animals", said Vick, "I want to help as many animals as I can".
Vick plans on becoming a domestic veterinarian so he can help heal his favorite animals: dogs.
ENTERTAINMENT
God and Satan to star in an upcoming episode of TLC's, Trading Spaces
TLC announced today that God and Satan would spruce up a room in the other's home on Trading Spaces.
"We are very excited to be hosting such a huge event", said TLC executive Tim Despain, "I hope that everything turns out well".
God and Satan have both made explicit demands as to what the other should not use in the re-decoration.
"I hate red and black", said God, "He better not put red and black in there; he owes me for putting Ben Affleck's acting career in purgatory".
"I don't want anything with angels", Satan responded, "No clouds or golden gates; I want a mural of Megadeth on the wall".
The episode will air on Friday, October 31st.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Saturday Edition
NEWS
Montana secedes from the Union
Nobody cares.
ENTERTAINMENT
Metallica to go Country
Metallica; the poster band of Metal music will transition over to Country. The band's lead singer, James Hetfield, announced today that Metallica is now all about country.
"What has metal done for us?", said Hetfield, "Going into country music will allow us to show who we really are and perform how we want to".
Metallica will headline the upcoming Countryfest festival at Gillette Stadium with Garth Brooks. Their first song will be a country remix of their hit, Enter Sandman, done on acoustic guitar.
POLITICS
Hillary Clinton gets a prostate exam
Hillary Clinton was seen leaving a Manhattan hospital today after receiving her yearly prostate exam.
Clinton's press secretary was unavailable for comment.
Montana secedes from the Union
Nobody cares.
ENTERTAINMENT
Metallica to go Country
Metallica; the poster band of Metal music will transition over to Country. The band's lead singer, James Hetfield, announced today that Metallica is now all about country.
"What has metal done for us?", said Hetfield, "Going into country music will allow us to show who we really are and perform how we want to".
Metallica will headline the upcoming Countryfest festival at Gillette Stadium with Garth Brooks. Their first song will be a country remix of their hit, Enter Sandman, done on acoustic guitar.
POLITICS
Hillary Clinton gets a prostate exam
Hillary Clinton was seen leaving a Manhattan hospital today after receiving her yearly prostate exam.
Clinton's press secretary was unavailable for comment.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Late-Night News
ENTERTAINMENT
Bill Clinton to become actor
Bill Clinton will drop out of politics and become an actor. He signed a contract with Mainline Entertainment to become its next big star.
"I am very excited about signing with Mainline", said Clinton via telephone earlier this evening, "This job will allow me to show off all of my talents".
Several other actors at Mainline were excited about the signing of Clinton.
"I'm looking forward to working with him", said Mainline actress, Jenna Jameson, "I'll get to see what he was all about".
SPORTS
Michael Jordan signs himself to the biggest contract in NBA history
Charlotte Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, signed himself to the biggest contract in NBA history: ten years, 230 million dollars.
"We needed to improve quickly", said Jordan, "And who better to improve a team than me".
The 45-year old Jordan will also sign a twenty-three million dollar signing bonus to go with his contract; all of which is guaranteed. He will also wear the third incarnation of the number 23. The former wearer of the number 23, Jason Richardson, was cut immediately following the signing of the contract.
"What the hell man?", said Richardson, "I'm eighteen years younger than Jordan; what the hell to out with the old and in with the new?"
Bobcats ownership terminated their contract with Time Warner Cable and will now call their arena the Jordan Center and all sections will be labeled MJ1, MJ2, MJ3, and so on.
For you die hard Bobcat "fan", Michael Jordan Bobcat jerseys on sale now at NBA.com and at local Charlotte outlets for 23 dollars.
NEWS
ExxonMobil buys out the Environmental Protection Agency
In an effort to curb the nation's deficit the Senate has passed a resolution to allow ExxonMobil to purchase the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).
"We needed the money", said Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, "And for 3.5 billion dollars we thought that it was a good business decision".
When EPA administrator, Christie Whitman, was asked whether or not the sale of her agency was worth it he said, "3.5 billion dollars is always worth it" and "I'm going to be dead by the time global warming takes effect. So why should I care?"
ExxonMobil has promised changes to the EPA.
"It will now be called the ExxonMobil Protection Alliance", said Exxon president, Steve Simon, "Our first act will be to drill holes for oil in Alaska, and f**k the caribou".
BUSINESS
Microsoft declares bankruptcy due to an unexpected result at the 2008 Belmont Stakes
In a fall from grace unseen since the Great Depression; Microsoft has declared bankruptcy. This comes three weeks after Bill Gates bet the entire company savings and budget on Big Brown at the 2008 Belmont Stakes.
"I made a bad choice", said Gates from his new apartment in urban Seattle, "For the first time in my life I was wrong".
As a result all but one of Microsoft's employees are broke and unemployed. The lone employee, Hal Carpenter, bet his entire life savings worth ten million dollars on Da'Tara, the 38-1 long shot who won the Belmont.
"Who is the smart businessman now?!", said Carpenter who is now worth $380 million dollars, "Suck it Bill, I'm going to take over Microsoft now".
Gates was unable to respond because he was working a double-shift at a McDonald's in Seattle.
Bill Clinton to become actor
Bill Clinton will drop out of politics and become an actor. He signed a contract with Mainline Entertainment to become its next big star.
"I am very excited about signing with Mainline", said Clinton via telephone earlier this evening, "This job will allow me to show off all of my talents".
Several other actors at Mainline were excited about the signing of Clinton.
"I'm looking forward to working with him", said Mainline actress, Jenna Jameson, "I'll get to see what he was all about".
SPORTS
Michael Jordan signs himself to the biggest contract in NBA history
Charlotte Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, signed himself to the biggest contract in NBA history: ten years, 230 million dollars.
"We needed to improve quickly", said Jordan, "And who better to improve a team than me".
The 45-year old Jordan will also sign a twenty-three million dollar signing bonus to go with his contract; all of which is guaranteed. He will also wear the third incarnation of the number 23. The former wearer of the number 23, Jason Richardson, was cut immediately following the signing of the contract.
"What the hell man?", said Richardson, "I'm eighteen years younger than Jordan; what the hell to out with the old and in with the new?"
Bobcats ownership terminated their contract with Time Warner Cable and will now call their arena the Jordan Center and all sections will be labeled MJ1, MJ2, MJ3, and so on.
For you die hard Bobcat "fan", Michael Jordan Bobcat jerseys on sale now at NBA.com and at local Charlotte outlets for 23 dollars.
NEWS
ExxonMobil buys out the Environmental Protection Agency
In an effort to curb the nation's deficit the Senate has passed a resolution to allow ExxonMobil to purchase the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).
"We needed the money", said Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, "And for 3.5 billion dollars we thought that it was a good business decision".
When EPA administrator, Christie Whitman, was asked whether or not the sale of her agency was worth it he said, "3.5 billion dollars is always worth it" and "I'm going to be dead by the time global warming takes effect. So why should I care?"
ExxonMobil has promised changes to the EPA.
"It will now be called the ExxonMobil Protection Alliance", said Exxon president, Steve Simon, "Our first act will be to drill holes for oil in Alaska, and f**k the caribou".
BUSINESS
Microsoft declares bankruptcy due to an unexpected result at the 2008 Belmont Stakes
In a fall from grace unseen since the Great Depression; Microsoft has declared bankruptcy. This comes three weeks after Bill Gates bet the entire company savings and budget on Big Brown at the 2008 Belmont Stakes.
"I made a bad choice", said Gates from his new apartment in urban Seattle, "For the first time in my life I was wrong".
As a result all but one of Microsoft's employees are broke and unemployed. The lone employee, Hal Carpenter, bet his entire life savings worth ten million dollars on Da'Tara, the 38-1 long shot who won the Belmont.
"Who is the smart businessman now?!", said Carpenter who is now worth $380 million dollars, "Suck it Bill, I'm going to take over Microsoft now".
Gates was unable to respond because he was working a double-shift at a McDonald's in Seattle.
Five O'Clock News
POLITICS
Democrats counter Republicans logo changed by replacing the donkey with the Rolling Stones tongue
Yet again senator John Kerry flip-flops on another national issue as he announced today in the Senate chambers that the Democratic Party would change its logo to the Rolling Stones tongue.
"Ever since I've been in the Senate, Americans have said that Democrats open their mouths but nothing comes out; so we decided to show that we do embody that stereotype by changing the donkey for the Rolling Stones tongue", said the Senator today.
Other Democratic congressmen have showed their support for the new logo.
"I can think of no better logo", said North Carolina Senator, John Edwards, "Nothing represents the American people better than the logo of a popular British rock band".
BUSINESS
Hookers sue Viagra for increase in elderly customers
Members of the world's oldest profession are finally speaking out about the effects of Viagra on their industry.
"There's like more old, smelly dudes", said 18-year old Candi Eyez of Newark, New Jersey, "We don't like having to give them their medicine every fifteen minutes".
Viagra's effects are being felt from coast to coast.
"We can't help them", said 22-year old Bounci Bum of Los Angeles, "After going without sex for over a decade we have to teach some of these men where to put their 'thing'. One man actually fell asleep when we were having sex".
Viagra's parent company, Pfizer, was unavailable for comment.
LAW
Man who attempted suicide gets charged with attempted first-degree murder
A Nevada man who attempted to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills with Ipecac was charged in Carson City Superior Court with attempted murder.
"There is absolutely no doubt that it was pre-meditated", said prosecution lawyer, Alan Cochrane, "Our key pieces of evidence are the four suicide notes he left prior to each suicide attempt".
The man who will be called "James" is suing Ipecac for one hundred million dollars for punitive damages.
"Their product kept me from ending my life", said James, "They should pay for a faulty product".
Ipecac CEO, Nick Buckley, says that James has no case.
"Our product is designed to cause the user to vomit in order to empty his stomach of drugs and other substances".
Democrats counter Republicans logo changed by replacing the donkey with the Rolling Stones tongue
Yet again senator John Kerry flip-flops on another national issue as he announced today in the Senate chambers that the Democratic Party would change its logo to the Rolling Stones tongue.
"Ever since I've been in the Senate, Americans have said that Democrats open their mouths but nothing comes out; so we decided to show that we do embody that stereotype by changing the donkey for the Rolling Stones tongue", said the Senator today.
Other Democratic congressmen have showed their support for the new logo.
"I can think of no better logo", said North Carolina Senator, John Edwards, "Nothing represents the American people better than the logo of a popular British rock band".
BUSINESS
Hookers sue Viagra for increase in elderly customers
Members of the world's oldest profession are finally speaking out about the effects of Viagra on their industry.
"There's like more old, smelly dudes", said 18-year old Candi Eyez of Newark, New Jersey, "We don't like having to give them their medicine every fifteen minutes".
Viagra's effects are being felt from coast to coast.
"We can't help them", said 22-year old Bounci Bum of Los Angeles, "After going without sex for over a decade we have to teach some of these men where to put their 'thing'. One man actually fell asleep when we were having sex".
Viagra's parent company, Pfizer, was unavailable for comment.
LAW
Man who attempted suicide gets charged with attempted first-degree murder
A Nevada man who attempted to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills with Ipecac was charged in Carson City Superior Court with attempted murder.
"There is absolutely no doubt that it was pre-meditated", said prosecution lawyer, Alan Cochrane, "Our key pieces of evidence are the four suicide notes he left prior to each suicide attempt".
The man who will be called "James" is suing Ipecac for one hundred million dollars for punitive damages.
"Their product kept me from ending my life", said James, "They should pay for a faulty product".
Ipecac CEO, Nick Buckley, says that James has no case.
"Our product is designed to cause the user to vomit in order to empty his stomach of drugs and other substances".
Midnight News
FINANCIAL NEWS
Due to dollar weakening against the Euro, 50 Cent is now worth nothing
Due to the increased demise of the dollar multi-platinum rapper, 50 Cent is now worth nothing.
"With the Euro being one and a half times stronger than the dollar 50 Cent has become 'Free'", said Federal Reserve Chief, Ben Bernanke, "Hopefully the economy will recover and Curtis will be able to regain his spot amongst the discount section at the dollar store".
Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson seemed to be taking the news well when questioned by Real News.
"Yo man; I got like millions of cents in my bank account. I can juzt take fi'ty of 'em and put 'em on my name", he said.
RELIGION
Due to rising energy costs, Satan has to turn off the heat in Hell
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui.
"In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Due to dollar weakening against the Euro, 50 Cent is now worth nothing
Due to the increased demise of the dollar multi-platinum rapper, 50 Cent is now worth nothing.
"With the Euro being one and a half times stronger than the dollar 50 Cent has become 'Free'", said Federal Reserve Chief, Ben Bernanke, "Hopefully the economy will recover and Curtis will be able to regain his spot amongst the discount section at the dollar store".
Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson seemed to be taking the news well when questioned by Real News.
"Yo man; I got like millions of cents in my bank account. I can juzt take fi'ty of 'em and put 'em on my name", he said.
RELIGION
Due to rising energy costs, Satan has to turn off the heat in Hell
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui.
"In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Evening News
NEWS
White House foreclosed!
One of the nation's leading mortgage lenders, Countrywide Financial, foreclosed the White House earlier today.
"We need the money", said Countrywide CEO, Daniel Archibald, "The White House needs to pay taxes like the rest of us".
President George W. Bush was shocked upon hearing the news.
"I was opening up my new coloring book when Cheney walked in and told me that we had to go", said the President via conference call, "I thought that we were going outside to look at butterflies, but instead we had to go to the ranch in Texas".
Countrywide has not explicitly stated what it will do with the property, but both Hooters and Sears are interested in acquiring the "prime piece of real estate".
BUSINESS
Wal-Mart purchases Rhode Island; plans to make mega mall
Wal-Mart stunned the retail world last night by purchasing all 1,045 square miles of Rhode Island with plans on converting it into the world's first, "Continental shopping center".
"We are going to have everything in the store", said Wal-Mart CEO, Lee Scott, "The city of Providence will remain as is but everyone else who does not live in Rhode Island will become employees of the company". Scott continued by saying that each city would be a different department. Pawtucket would become the electronics department, Lincoln would become the adult entertainment area, and Woonsocket would become a hockey rink/brothel and all of the.
"We will be finished with the transition by early 2014", said Scott.
No one in the Rhode Island state legislature was available for comment.
SPORTS
Fenway Park solicits naming rights
America's ballpark: Fenway Park, will now take on the name of the company that signed a 30-year, $450 million deal with the Henry-Werner group: KY Jelly park.
"We are very excited to brand our name upon one of America's favorite sporting venues", said KY president, Dick Hardy, "We have several exciting renovations and changes for the ballpark.
The most notable change will be KY corner. KY corner will be dedicated to Kevin Youkilis; There will be the Kevin Youkilis Slip and Slide in which the player will have to slide through KY Jelly and reach second base before being thrown out by Youk, Kevin will sign autographs two hours before every Thursday night home game, and all patrons will be able to test KY's newest products."
John Henry said that it was all financial.
"I love the name Fenway Park, but I needed to re-coup the $700 million that I spent purchasing the team and naming rights were an easy money maker".
White House foreclosed!
One of the nation's leading mortgage lenders, Countrywide Financial, foreclosed the White House earlier today.
"We need the money", said Countrywide CEO, Daniel Archibald, "The White House needs to pay taxes like the rest of us".
President George W. Bush was shocked upon hearing the news.
"I was opening up my new coloring book when Cheney walked in and told me that we had to go", said the President via conference call, "I thought that we were going outside to look at butterflies, but instead we had to go to the ranch in Texas".
Countrywide has not explicitly stated what it will do with the property, but both Hooters and Sears are interested in acquiring the "prime piece of real estate".
BUSINESS
Wal-Mart purchases Rhode Island; plans to make mega mall
Wal-Mart stunned the retail world last night by purchasing all 1,045 square miles of Rhode Island with plans on converting it into the world's first, "Continental shopping center".
"We are going to have everything in the store", said Wal-Mart CEO, Lee Scott, "The city of Providence will remain as is but everyone else who does not live in Rhode Island will become employees of the company". Scott continued by saying that each city would be a different department. Pawtucket would become the electronics department, Lincoln would become the adult entertainment area, and Woonsocket would become a hockey rink/brothel and all of the.
"We will be finished with the transition by early 2014", said Scott.
No one in the Rhode Island state legislature was available for comment.
SPORTS
Fenway Park solicits naming rights
America's ballpark: Fenway Park, will now take on the name of the company that signed a 30-year, $450 million deal with the Henry-Werner group: KY Jelly park.
"We are very excited to brand our name upon one of America's favorite sporting venues", said KY president, Dick Hardy, "We have several exciting renovations and changes for the ballpark.
The most notable change will be KY corner. KY corner will be dedicated to Kevin Youkilis; There will be the Kevin Youkilis Slip and Slide in which the player will have to slide through KY Jelly and reach second base before being thrown out by Youk, Kevin will sign autographs two hours before every Thursday night home game, and all patrons will be able to test KY's newest products."
John Henry said that it was all financial.
"I love the name Fenway Park, but I needed to re-coup the $700 million that I spent purchasing the team and naming rights were an easy money maker".
Mid-day News
NEWS
Republican Party replaces elephant logo with Roger Clemens
In a move that was expected for months, the Republican party replaced its original elephant symbol with Roger Clemens. Party officials were very pleased with the change.
"It is a great day to be a Republican", said GOP nominee John McCain, "Mr. Clemens represents the meaning of the Republican Party; he is old, angry, overpaid, and a cheater".
President George W. Bush also expressed his feelings of joy.
"Roger is from Texas just like me, and I like that", said the President.
Meanwhile the Democrats are brushing off the move as if it were nothing.
"We have a much better symbol than Roger Clemens", said Massachusetts senator, John Kerry, "The Democrats have been represented by the donkey for over a century. We don't feel the need to change it".
Roger Clemens refused to answer our questions saying that he "needed his hourly dose of vitamin B12".
ENTERTAINMENT
The FreeCreditReport.com singer reaches number one on the Billboard Top 40
Those catchy commercials for FreeCreditReport.com have really caught on as they have reached number 1 on the Billboard Top 40.
"How the hell can I compete with him?", said hip-hop star, Flo Rida, "Me and my boys are all singing about Shawty and getting crunk and then this guy comes around and is all original. My career is probably over man."
FreeCreditReport.com is extremely happy.
"It is amazing", said CEO Tim Harvey, " We have the most prominent commercial figure since the Aflac duck; it's just great".
BUSINESS
Euclidean Geometry sues the UFC over the use of the octagon
The math community is fuming over the Ultimate Fighting Championship's trademarking of 'The Octagon'.
"We can't teach it in schools anymore", said high school teacher, Shawn Clifton, "We have to say that a stop sign is a 'eight-sided polygon' rather than using the original term".
UFC president Dana White is less than gracious about licensing his term.
"If the mathematicians were dumb enough to let it go this long without trademarking the term, then screw 'em. They had their chance and they blew it".
The math community has no way to regain the use of the term 'Octagon', and reports are saying that they will replace it with "Octopusagon"
Republican Party replaces elephant logo with Roger Clemens
In a move that was expected for months, the Republican party replaced its original elephant symbol with Roger Clemens. Party officials were very pleased with the change.
"It is a great day to be a Republican", said GOP nominee John McCain, "Mr. Clemens represents the meaning of the Republican Party; he is old, angry, overpaid, and a cheater".
President George W. Bush also expressed his feelings of joy.
"Roger is from Texas just like me, and I like that", said the President.
Meanwhile the Democrats are brushing off the move as if it were nothing.
"We have a much better symbol than Roger Clemens", said Massachusetts senator, John Kerry, "The Democrats have been represented by the donkey for over a century. We don't feel the need to change it".
Roger Clemens refused to answer our questions saying that he "needed his hourly dose of vitamin B12".
ENTERTAINMENT
The FreeCreditReport.com singer reaches number one on the Billboard Top 40
Those catchy commercials for FreeCreditReport.com have really caught on as they have reached number 1 on the Billboard Top 40.
"How the hell can I compete with him?", said hip-hop star, Flo Rida, "Me and my boys are all singing about Shawty and getting crunk and then this guy comes around and is all original. My career is probably over man."
FreeCreditReport.com is extremely happy.
"It is amazing", said CEO Tim Harvey, " We have the most prominent commercial figure since the Aflac duck; it's just great".
BUSINESS
Euclidean Geometry sues the UFC over the use of the octagon
The math community is fuming over the Ultimate Fighting Championship's trademarking of 'The Octagon'.
"We can't teach it in schools anymore", said high school teacher, Shawn Clifton, "We have to say that a stop sign is a 'eight-sided polygon' rather than using the original term".
UFC president Dana White is less than gracious about licensing his term.
"If the mathematicians were dumb enough to let it go this long without trademarking the term, then screw 'em. They had their chance and they blew it".
The math community has no way to regain the use of the term 'Octagon', and reports are saying that they will replace it with "Octopusagon"
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Mid-day News Check
NEWS
Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences surpasses MIT as the number one science university in America.
The education world is still recovering from the report published today by The Princeton Review saying that the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences rated higher than the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The Review gave T.I.T.S the higher rating because of its "amazing anatomy department and state of the art biology and chemistry labs". The faculty at T.I.T.S. is very proud.
"We are finally getting credit for the work and education that goes on here in western Knoxville", said dean of anatomy, Chuck Yabo, "I think that T.I.T.S. and MIT are both the best in their given fields; MIT in physics and our university with anatomy and biology".
The faculty and students at MIT are less than gracious when talking about T.I.T.S.
"People know MIT; we have been breaking ground in the fields of physics and astronomy for years", said junior Max O'Rourke, "And now this!?! It's a travesty".
The folks at T.I.T.S. are very happy with their ranking, but they are more concerned with creating more scientific breakthroughs.
"It's very flattering to be selected number one", said Yabo, "but science will always be number one in my book".
SPORTS
Chad Johnson marries himself
Earlier this afternoon Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, Chad Johnson, married himself. The ceremony took place in Las Vegas and lasted ninety seconds.
"Well I still love my women", said Johnson, "but none were as perfect as me".
The rest of his Bengals teammates have yet to comment because they have yet to be granted parole, but we expect several to come in the near future. Chad Johnson and himself will go on their honeymoon in the Bahamas with several women in tow.
Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences surpasses MIT as the number one science university in America.
The education world is still recovering from the report published today by The Princeton Review saying that the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences rated higher than the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The Review gave T.I.T.S the higher rating because of its "amazing anatomy department and state of the art biology and chemistry labs". The faculty at T.I.T.S. is very proud.
"We are finally getting credit for the work and education that goes on here in western Knoxville", said dean of anatomy, Chuck Yabo, "I think that T.I.T.S. and MIT are both the best in their given fields; MIT in physics and our university with anatomy and biology".
The faculty and students at MIT are less than gracious when talking about T.I.T.S.
"People know MIT; we have been breaking ground in the fields of physics and astronomy for years", said junior Max O'Rourke, "And now this!?! It's a travesty".
The folks at T.I.T.S. are very happy with their ranking, but they are more concerned with creating more scientific breakthroughs.
"It's very flattering to be selected number one", said Yabo, "but science will always be number one in my book".
SPORTS
Chad Johnson marries himself
Earlier this afternoon Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, Chad Johnson, married himself. The ceremony took place in Las Vegas and lasted ninety seconds.
"Well I still love my women", said Johnson, "but none were as perfect as me".
The rest of his Bengals teammates have yet to comment because they have yet to be granted parole, but we expect several to come in the near future. Chad Johnson and himself will go on their honeymoon in the Bahamas with several women in tow.
June 25th, 2008
NEWS
New York names New York City the new state capital.
New York city mayor, Michael Bloomberg's dream of have his city become the capital of the Empire State has come true.
"I am extremely happy with the result of today's vote", said Bloomberg, "Now we can move forward towards making New York a better state.
The vote that Bloomberg mentioned was the resounding 238-19 by the legislature to remove capital status from Albany and giving it to New York City. Today's vote is the culmination of a seven month battle that began when a prominent New York congressman said that "No one really cares about Albany" and that "New York City is the heart of this state".
The citizens of Albany are taking the news rather well.
"We saw the writing on the wall years ago", said a 45-year old Albany woman, "We are still very happy to be living here in Albany".
ENTERTAINMENT
Rosie O'Donnell's mouth goes on strike
After years of arguing and bickering with one another, the mouth of Rosie O'Donnell has gone on strike.
"I'm finally free", said the mouth, "For years I've been trying to escape the bonds of Rosie. The incessant blather that spews from her mouth has depleted me of my strength and the things she does in bed with her partner have scarred me for life".
The mouth said that he would return to Rosie's face once she lost weight and cleaned up her act. In the interim the mouth can be seen at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles every Thursday night.
SPORTS
WWE now the nation's number one sport
While most say that professional wrestling isn't a sport, the Nielsen ratings don't lie; the WWE is the most popular sport in America. The most recent ratings show Monday Night Raw tripling the ratings of ESPN's Monday Night Baseball.
"It is great to see my organization getting the respect it deserves", said WWE chairman Vince McMahon, "Our sport thrives on the element of surprise. You never know who is going to win".
Major League Baseball doesn't seem too worried about being second to wrestling.
"It's only June; no one cares about baseball until Labor Day", said MLB commissioner Bud Selig.
Only time will tell.
BUSINESS
Forrest Gump takes over as Apple CEO from Steve Jobs
In a shocking move Apple chairman and CEO, Steve Jobs, stepped down today and named investor, Forrest Gump as the new CEO. Jobs said that it was time for a change, and he wanted to get out while on top.
"I want to thank Mr. Jobs for being really nice to me", said Forrest, "I'm gonna do real good with this company".
Jobs will stay on as a consultant but Mr. Gump has already said what his first change would be.
"I'm gonna start a fruit division dedicated towards making tasty apples", said Gump.
New York names New York City the new state capital.
New York city mayor, Michael Bloomberg's dream of have his city become the capital of the Empire State has come true.
"I am extremely happy with the result of today's vote", said Bloomberg, "Now we can move forward towards making New York a better state.
The vote that Bloomberg mentioned was the resounding 238-19 by the legislature to remove capital status from Albany and giving it to New York City. Today's vote is the culmination of a seven month battle that began when a prominent New York congressman said that "No one really cares about Albany" and that "New York City is the heart of this state".
The citizens of Albany are taking the news rather well.
"We saw the writing on the wall years ago", said a 45-year old Albany woman, "We are still very happy to be living here in Albany".
ENTERTAINMENT
Rosie O'Donnell's mouth goes on strike
After years of arguing and bickering with one another, the mouth of Rosie O'Donnell has gone on strike.
"I'm finally free", said the mouth, "For years I've been trying to escape the bonds of Rosie. The incessant blather that spews from her mouth has depleted me of my strength and the things she does in bed with her partner have scarred me for life".
The mouth said that he would return to Rosie's face once she lost weight and cleaned up her act. In the interim the mouth can be seen at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles every Thursday night.
SPORTS
WWE now the nation's number one sport
While most say that professional wrestling isn't a sport, the Nielsen ratings don't lie; the WWE is the most popular sport in America. The most recent ratings show Monday Night Raw tripling the ratings of ESPN's Monday Night Baseball.
"It is great to see my organization getting the respect it deserves", said WWE chairman Vince McMahon, "Our sport thrives on the element of surprise. You never know who is going to win".
Major League Baseball doesn't seem too worried about being second to wrestling.
"It's only June; no one cares about baseball until Labor Day", said MLB commissioner Bud Selig.
Only time will tell.
BUSINESS
Forrest Gump takes over as Apple CEO from Steve Jobs
In a shocking move Apple chairman and CEO, Steve Jobs, stepped down today and named investor, Forrest Gump as the new CEO. Jobs said that it was time for a change, and he wanted to get out while on top.
"I want to thank Mr. Jobs for being really nice to me", said Forrest, "I'm gonna do real good with this company".
Jobs will stay on as a consultant but Mr. Gump has already said what his first change would be.
"I'm gonna start a fruit division dedicated towards making tasty apples", said Gump.
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