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POLITICS
2016 Olympics awarded to the United States
After years of preparation and months of speculation a source close to the International Olympic Committee said today that the United States had been awarded the 2016 Summer Olympic games. While many rejoiced throughout the presumed host city of Chicago IOC chairman Jacques Rogge made a surprising announcement.
"While the IOC has awarded the 2016 Games to the United States they will not be contested in Chicago," said Rogge. "We would never stage an Olympiad in such a cruel, vulgar place as Chicago; instead we have awarded the games to Billings, Montana. I think that the rural locale is just what the Olympics need. And I've heard that Billings is a beautiful ranch town to boot."
Numerous groups are understandably confused about the announcement.
"What the hell has Billings done for anybody?" said an anonymous Chicago 2016 supporter named Bill Swerski.
SPORTS
NBA referees to be locked out for upcoming season
After months of tense negotiations the NBA Officials Union announced this afternoon that it is "almost 100% certain" that they will be locked out. However the players and coaches were quite upbeat upon hearing the news.
"It's about fucking time," said Gilbert Arenas. "They gotta learn that its tough being a part of the NBA. Besides after all that they've done to me they deserve it."
Eastern Conference kingpin LeBron James gave his thoughts as well.
"As the incomparable six-time WWE title holder John Cena once said, 'If you ain't part of the solution, then you part of the problem' and the refs were part of the problem"
Numerous names have come up in the race to find replacement officials. The most notable names are Tim Donaghy, Mike Breen, and Phil Luckett
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
College Football Game Preview
This weeks game between the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences and the Alabama School of Science is one of the most hyped games in Southern Athletic Conference history.
The annual battle for the Big Bronze Jugs enters its 100th year with T.I.T.S leading A.S.S. 58-40-2.
Players to Watch for T.I.T.S:
Jerry Yabo, QB: In his final chance to beat A.S.S. Yabo has vowed to throw for 300 yards and three touchdowns. If Yabo can duplicate his 438 yard, 5 TD performance against Arkansas last week then A.S.S. will be in trouble all day.
Gus Zonga, DT: If this Bednarik Award winner can slip through the cracks in the A.S.S. line he might be able to break his school record of 5 sacks in a single game.
Players to Watch for A.S.S:
Dickie Butts, RB: This true freshman tailback with 4.3 speed has the skill and speed needed to split the T.I.T.S. defense in two.
For both T.I.T.S and A.S.S. this game will be their opener in the SAC, and it should be a high-scoring affair.
Prediction: T.I.T.S. 42, A.S.S. 35
The annual battle for the Big Bronze Jugs enters its 100th year with T.I.T.S leading A.S.S. 58-40-2.
Players to Watch for T.I.T.S:
Jerry Yabo, QB: In his final chance to beat A.S.S. Yabo has vowed to throw for 300 yards and three touchdowns. If Yabo can duplicate his 438 yard, 5 TD performance against Arkansas last week then A.S.S. will be in trouble all day.
Gus Zonga, DT: If this Bednarik Award winner can slip through the cracks in the A.S.S. line he might be able to break his school record of 5 sacks in a single game.
Players to Watch for A.S.S:
Dickie Butts, RB: This true freshman tailback with 4.3 speed has the skill and speed needed to split the T.I.T.S. defense in two.
For both T.I.T.S and A.S.S. this game will be their opener in the SAC, and it should be a high-scoring affair.
Prediction: T.I.T.S. 42, A.S.S. 35
Friday, August 28, 2009
S.O.G. Drops the titles
ENTERTAINMENT
Notorious S.O.G. drops the titles of his album's songs
Notorious S.O.G. (aka Jesus Christ) who dropped the single "The Savia" off of his debut album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again" a few weeks ago dropped the titles of his remaining songs earlier today.
"I just wanna thank everyone who helped make this possible," said S.O.G. "Especially my girl M. Mags."
The Songs
Christ Christ Baby, f. Rob V. Winkle
Straight Outta Heaven, f. NWA
Forgot About Christ, f. Dre and Eminem
Bow Bow Pray, f. Black Eyed Peas
I Kissed Satan, f. Katy Perry
Holy Paradise, f. Coolio
Notorious S.O.G. drops the titles of his album's songs
Notorious S.O.G. (aka Jesus Christ) who dropped the single "The Savia" off of his debut album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again" a few weeks ago dropped the titles of his remaining songs earlier today.
"I just wanna thank everyone who helped make this possible," said S.O.G. "Especially my girl M. Mags."
The Songs
Christ Christ Baby, f. Rob V. Winkle
Straight Outta Heaven, f. NWA
Forgot About Christ, f. Dre and Eminem
Bow Bow Pray, f. Black Eyed Peas
I Kissed Satan, f. Katy Perry
Holy Paradise, f. Coolio
Republicans do it again
POLITICS
Republicans pass new law while rest of Washington mourns passing of Ted Kennedy
While most of Washington and America mourned the passing of Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy the Republicans were hard at work on the hill.
"I'm proud to say that we have passed a very important bill that will help health care reform," said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. "The Human Reorganization act of 2009 will help streamline health care reform as it will help defray some of the cost of paying to reform the the current system."
The main points of the bill highlighted terminating the existence of all Americans with last names beginning with the letter Y. This list will include Congressmen Bill Young of Florida, and Don Young of Alaska (the 5th and 7th most senior congressmen respectively), Hall of Fame quarterback Steve Young, Kevin Youkilis, and Carl Yastrzemski.
"It must be done in order to save our republic," said Republican leader Glenn Beck. "Besides we must insure the names near the top like, Davis, Anderson, and most of all BECK. Its survival of the fittest, in alphabetical order of course, and the Y's had their chance and failed."
However many Democrats and people in general are less than enthused about the new bill.
"We are in a time of mourning over the death of a great American, and the Republicans want to end the lives of even more Americans?" said Bill Young. "Are they out of their fucking minds?"
Republicans pass new law while rest of Washington mourns passing of Ted Kennedy
While most of Washington and America mourned the passing of Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy the Republicans were hard at work on the hill.
"I'm proud to say that we have passed a very important bill that will help health care reform," said Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. "The Human Reorganization act of 2009 will help streamline health care reform as it will help defray some of the cost of paying to reform the the current system."
The main points of the bill highlighted terminating the existence of all Americans with last names beginning with the letter Y. This list will include Congressmen Bill Young of Florida, and Don Young of Alaska (the 5th and 7th most senior congressmen respectively), Hall of Fame quarterback Steve Young, Kevin Youkilis, and Carl Yastrzemski.
"It must be done in order to save our republic," said Republican leader Glenn Beck. "Besides we must insure the names near the top like, Davis, Anderson, and most of all BECK. Its survival of the fittest, in alphabetical order of course, and the Y's had their chance and failed."
However many Democrats and people in general are less than enthused about the new bill.
"We are in a time of mourning over the death of a great American, and the Republicans want to end the lives of even more Americans?" said Bill Young. "Are they out of their fucking minds?"
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
News Break
POLITICS
Obama admits to D.E.A.T.H. panels
After months of denying that the highly controversial "death" panels didn't exist President Barack Obama shocked many today by announcing that they did in fact exist.
"I know that many of you are angry at me for denying the exist of death panels," said the President via telephone this morning. "But I was not lying, the D.E.A.T.H. panels in my reform bill aren't about "death" as in deceased people. It's an acronym that stands for Determines Elderly Adults Total Health panels. These panels will in fact help us garner information needed to help us treat the elderly."
Obama later said that the D.E.A.T.H. panels would rank each patient health on a scale of 1 to 328.
"They aren't death as in death," said Obama. "They are D.E.A.T.H. as in better health."
Obama admits to D.E.A.T.H. panels
After months of denying that the highly controversial "death" panels didn't exist President Barack Obama shocked many today by announcing that they did in fact exist.
"I know that many of you are angry at me for denying the exist of death panels," said the President via telephone this morning. "But I was not lying, the D.E.A.T.H. panels in my reform bill aren't about "death" as in deceased people. It's an acronym that stands for Determines Elderly Adults Total Health panels. These panels will in fact help us garner information needed to help us treat the elderly."
Obama later said that the D.E.A.T.H. panels would rank each patient health on a scale of 1 to 328.
"They aren't death as in death," said Obama. "They are D.E.A.T.H. as in better health."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
News Break
POLITICS
Portsmouth Town Hall Recap
Yesterday at his town hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire President Barack Obama finally explained to the American public how he planned to pay for his highly controversial health care reform bill.
"We will pay for the overhaul through a single cut in spending," said the President. "Everyone will change their insurance to Geico effective immediately. Since everyone can get insured in fifteen minutes or less we should be able to get everyone insured very quickly. So if everyone could get into a neat single-file line we could get you all insured as soon as possible. Thank you."
SPORTS
Tom Brady to play entire 2009 season in a plastic bubble
The New England Patriots are doing everything possible to make sure that starting quarterback Tom Brady stays on the field instead of a hospital bed this year.
"We have decided to enclose Tom in a plastic bubble for the entire year," said Patriots owner Robert Kraft. "We can't afford to lose Tom for another year, and we will do whatever it takes to keep him on the field."
Coach Bill Belichick was a little reluctant about having his star quarterback encased in polyurethane.
"I'm happy that he'll be safe but I don't know how he'll be able to throw," said Belichick. "I was going to try to utilize my great receivers but since throwing will be somewhat problematic I'm going to have to go to a run-first attack."
Portsmouth Town Hall Recap
Yesterday at his town hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire President Barack Obama finally explained to the American public how he planned to pay for his highly controversial health care reform bill.
"We will pay for the overhaul through a single cut in spending," said the President. "Everyone will change their insurance to Geico effective immediately. Since everyone can get insured in fifteen minutes or less we should be able to get everyone insured very quickly. So if everyone could get into a neat single-file line we could get you all insured as soon as possible. Thank you."
SPORTS
Tom Brady to play entire 2009 season in a plastic bubble
The New England Patriots are doing everything possible to make sure that starting quarterback Tom Brady stays on the field instead of a hospital bed this year.
"We have decided to enclose Tom in a plastic bubble for the entire year," said Patriots owner Robert Kraft. "We can't afford to lose Tom for another year, and we will do whatever it takes to keep him on the field."
Coach Bill Belichick was a little reluctant about having his star quarterback encased in polyurethane.
"I'm happy that he'll be safe but I don't know how he'll be able to throw," said Belichick. "I was going to try to utilize my great receivers but since throwing will be somewhat problematic I'm going to have to go to a run-first attack."
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Re-Up
We are back!
NEWS
Cash for Clunkers program expanded to include people
The recent Cash for Clunkers that reinvigorated the car industry was expanded last night in a marathon session in the Senate.
"With the positive reaction garnered by the recent Cash for Clunkers initative we've decided to expand it," said Pennsylvania Seantor Arlen Specter. "The program will now include the same $4,500 rebate for human trade-ins. It will be called Hundreds for Humans."
Specter wouldn't comment any further but the Senate financial committee did release a statement in the form of a flyer that read:
GOT MARITAL, FRIENDSHIP, OR OTHER PERSONAL PROBLEMS!?!?!
Then trade in your clunker of a friend, spouse, or business partner for a more relationship-effecient, and entertaining human.
Guys: Got a wife who is old, sagging, and a thorn in your side. Then take her down to one of the qualified Hundreds for Humans dealers and if she qualifies you'll get $4, 500 and a gorgeous 25-year old blond who knows how to please you in every way possible.
Ladies: Got a man who just sits on the couch all day, doesn't bond with the kids, and can't "rise" to the occasion? Then exchange him for a newer model with better packaging, more energy, and a $4, 500 dollar smile. Also a thousand dollar will be added if you Buy American. Thank you and God Bless.
RELIGION
Jesus gets a makeover
Jesus Christ called a press conference today outside of the Pearly Gates
"I've called you all here today to tell you that it's time for a change," said the Son of God. "I'm sick of not being recognized by the youth of America. Most of them recognize people like Lil Wayne, the Dos Equis guy, and that fucking McDonald's clown. So I have decided to resurrect myself yet again with a new persona. I will now go by the name "The Notorious S.O.G." and I will resign as the Almighty immediately to continue my rap career."
S.O.G. then released a sample of the song "The Savior" off his new album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again.
Chorus:
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true prayer.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Getting crunk with my apostles while we're all writing Bibles.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
If you got a gun up in your belt you'll just burn up in hell.
Cause I see Mary Magdalene and she should be having my baby
Bay-bee
NEWS
Cash for Clunkers program expanded to include people
The recent Cash for Clunkers that reinvigorated the car industry was expanded last night in a marathon session in the Senate.
"With the positive reaction garnered by the recent Cash for Clunkers initative we've decided to expand it," said Pennsylvania Seantor Arlen Specter. "The program will now include the same $4,500 rebate for human trade-ins. It will be called Hundreds for Humans."
Specter wouldn't comment any further but the Senate financial committee did release a statement in the form of a flyer that read:
GOT MARITAL, FRIENDSHIP, OR OTHER PERSONAL PROBLEMS!?!?!
Then trade in your clunker of a friend, spouse, or business partner for a more relationship-effecient, and entertaining human.
Guys: Got a wife who is old, sagging, and a thorn in your side. Then take her down to one of the qualified Hundreds for Humans dealers and if she qualifies you'll get $4, 500 and a gorgeous 25-year old blond who knows how to please you in every way possible.
Ladies: Got a man who just sits on the couch all day, doesn't bond with the kids, and can't "rise" to the occasion? Then exchange him for a newer model with better packaging, more energy, and a $4, 500 dollar smile. Also a thousand dollar will be added if you Buy American. Thank you and God Bless.
RELIGION
Jesus gets a makeover
Jesus Christ called a press conference today outside of the Pearly Gates
"I've called you all here today to tell you that it's time for a change," said the Son of God. "I'm sick of not being recognized by the youth of America. Most of them recognize people like Lil Wayne, the Dos Equis guy, and that fucking McDonald's clown. So I have decided to resurrect myself yet again with a new persona. I will now go by the name "The Notorious S.O.G." and I will resign as the Almighty immediately to continue my rap career."
S.O.G. then released a sample of the song "The Savior" off his new album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again.
Chorus:
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true prayer.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Getting crunk with my apostles while we're all writing Bibles.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
If you got a gun up in your belt you'll just burn up in hell.
Cause I see Mary Magdalene and she should be having my baby
Bay-bee
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