Posts
NEWS
BJ's Wholesale Club sued for false advertising
One of the biggest retail wholesale clubs in the country, Berkley & Jensen's (BJ's), was sued for false advertising and misleading consumers.
"This lawsuit is preposterous," said BJ's CEO Rod Johnson. "These people have no legal grounds to sue."
The people that Johnson is referring to is the entire male population of America.
"When you think of BJ's Wholesale club you don't think of discount televisions and freshly baked cookies," said male representative W. Jeff Clinton. "You think blowjobs."
Mr. Clinton wasn't the only man anger by the name of the company.
"They sell Dickie's pants," said Stu Peterson. "Come on seriously; DICKIES at BJ'S. You don't see the sexual symmetry."
BJ's stands behind their company name and plan to fight the men in court.
"We at B.J.'s are proud of working long, hard hours to keep the prices down and our customers happy."
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
A Message From our Sponsor
Hi I'm Tom Walsh. I am the founder and president of Obama Inc., a company focused on bringing you the finest in Barack Obama memorabilia at affordable prices for over two months. With the Inauguration only hours away we are in the midst of our final clear out sale. These sales will end at exactly twelve noon tomorrow so act fast. Thank you and God Bless.
#120-Jar of Inaugural Air
Can't make it to the big party in D.C. tomorrow? Then bring the party to you with this one of a kind jar of ACTUAL air from the Inauguration. For only $49.95 you can own a beautiful glass jar full of air that was floating around at the Inauguration. Who knows; maybe your jar will come with an exhale from Barack Obama inside.
*Obama Inc. is not responsible for actually filling the jars.
#121- Barack Obama Cheese
Do you love dairy? Do you love Barack Obama? Well if you answered yes to both then you must purchase our newest product, Barack Obama Cheese. For only $19.95 you can have two 12 inch wheels of our specially formulated cheese. And you will be able to choose from our exciting multitude of flavors like:
"Yes We Can" Cheddar
"George W. Bush" Goat Cheese
"Rahm Emanuel" Romano
"Hillary Clinton" Cream Cheese
And many more. However supplies are limited so call now.
#122- Barack Obama Sex Toys
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The Presidential Penis
The 44 Inch Dildo
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These are only a small selection of the products available in the Obama Inc. catalogue. If you are interested in any of our products call 1-120-BARACKOBAMAISCRAZYAWESOME-5309 now. AND SAVE.
Obama Inc.: Savings We Can Believe In
#120-Jar of Inaugural Air
Can't make it to the big party in D.C. tomorrow? Then bring the party to you with this one of a kind jar of ACTUAL air from the Inauguration. For only $49.95 you can own a beautiful glass jar full of air that was floating around at the Inauguration. Who knows; maybe your jar will come with an exhale from Barack Obama inside.
*Obama Inc. is not responsible for actually filling the jars.
#121- Barack Obama Cheese
Do you love dairy? Do you love Barack Obama? Well if you answered yes to both then you must purchase our newest product, Barack Obama Cheese. For only $19.95 you can have two 12 inch wheels of our specially formulated cheese. And you will be able to choose from our exciting multitude of flavors like:
"Yes We Can" Cheddar
"George W. Bush" Goat Cheese
"Rahm Emanuel" Romano
"Hillary Clinton" Cream Cheese
And many more. However supplies are limited so call now.
#122- Barack Obama Sex Toys
Ladies: Have you ever wanted to have an affair with a President? If you have then you need to have one of limited edition Barack Obama sex toys. Ranging in price from $9.95 TO $129.99 There's a toy for every sexual desire and every budget. Choose from some of our most popular products, like:
The Presidential Penis
The 44 Inch Dildo
The Yes we Cum
The Barack O'Vibrator
And many, many more.
These are only a small selection of the products available in the Obama Inc. catalogue. If you are interested in any of our products call 1-120-BARACKOBAMAISCRAZYAWESOME-5309 now. AND SAVE.
Obama Inc.: Savings We Can Believe In
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Obama's Inaugural Address
Thanks to a disgruntled CIA agent (Paul --------), Real News was able to obtain Barack Obama's Inaugural Address.
My fellow Americans. Look..............I stand before.......you............as the 44th Pres................ident............of the United States. I am very proud......................and honored...............to be the first African-American................elected. While I have been able...............to make every American like me...............that doesn't diminish....................the current problems.............facing America. As your President I will.....................do my best.................to fix the current.......economic.........situation. I will...............withdraw..........troops from Iraq.........in a timely matter.........and..........I will do it all with charisma.............and a smile.
Before I go any further I'd like to uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank everyone whoooooooooooo got me here. I couldn't have done it without my....................wife and daughters. They have kept me.........going. A special thanks goes to all my boys in Chicago.............and Oprah. Finally I'd like to thank the person who is almost completely responsible for me standing before you today.Their hard work............and dedication to my campaign allowed me to uhhhhhhhhhhhhh win America's vote. So before we uhhhhhhhhhhhh go any further............. I'd like to thank Sarah Palin for her massive, non-monetary boost she gave to my campaign and to "Ron Blockojevech" for his gener...............osity.
So America take pride..................you now have a President that.........you can.........believe in. Be proud that you elected a Harvard man to replace a.............Y--e person. Together we can. God bless..........you, and God Bless America.
My fellow Americans. Look..............I stand before.......you............as the 44th Pres................ident............of the United States. I am very proud......................and honored...............to be the first African-American................elected. While I have been able...............to make every American like me...............that doesn't diminish....................the current problems.............facing America. As your President I will.....................do my best.................to fix the current.......economic.........situation. I will...............withdraw..........troops from Iraq.........in a timely matter.........and..........I will do it all with charisma.............and a smile.
Before I go any further I'd like to uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank everyone whoooooooooooo got me here. I couldn't have done it without my....................wife and daughters. They have kept me.........going. A special thanks goes to all my boys in Chicago.............and Oprah. Finally I'd like to thank the person who is almost completely responsible for me standing before you today.Their hard work............and dedication to my campaign allowed me to uhhhhhhhhhhhhh win America's vote. So before we uhhhhhhhhhhhh go any further............. I'd like to thank Sarah Palin for her massive, non-monetary boost she gave to my campaign and to "Ron Blockojevech" for his gener...............osity.
So America take pride..................you now have a President that.........you can.........believe in. Be proud that you elected a Harvard man to replace a.............Y--e person. Together we can. God bless..........you, and God Bless America.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Due to Rising Energy Costs, Satan Has to Turn Off the Heat in Hell
Due to rising energy costs, Satan has to turn off the heat in Hell
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui. "In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui. "In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Paulson Makes His Final Move
With the world's markets on shaky legs the United States Treasury has approved the use of paper money from the popular board game, Monopoly, to be used in business sales and purchases.
"This infusion of funds will add trillions into the economy," said Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, "The average American can open their game of Monopoly and see thousands of dollars staring them in the face."
Congress expects the boost of the monopoly money to balance out the mess on Wall Street, Main Street, and Baltic Avenue.
"This infusion of funds will add trillions into the economy," said Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, "The average American can open their game of Monopoly and see thousands of dollars staring them in the face."
Congress expects the boost of the monopoly money to balance out the mess on Wall Street, Main Street, and Baltic Avenue.
Regular News
HEALTH
Woman charged with gross negligence after giving birth
A woman in Omaha, Nebraska has been charged with gross negligence and endangering a child after giving birth to a healthy baby boy last night. The woman, Alexa Johnson, age 31 was arrested immediately after the umbilical cord was cut.
"We've been watching this dirtball for a little over nine months," said Omaha Police Sergeant, Jim Marshall, "Our man on the inside was informing us about numerous atrocities that Mrs. Johnson was committing."
The most notable offenses were not feeding or clothing the baby for nine months. Mrs. Johnson proclaimed her innocence as she was led from here hospital bed to a nearby holding cell.
"You guys are crazy," she said, "My baby was living off food that I ate, and how the fuck do you clothe something that's lodged a foot up my vagina!?!"
In a related story Mrs. Johnson had an emergency blood transfusion late tonight because the surgeon forgot to sew up the C-section.
Woman charged with gross negligence after giving birth
A woman in Omaha, Nebraska has been charged with gross negligence and endangering a child after giving birth to a healthy baby boy last night. The woman, Alexa Johnson, age 31 was arrested immediately after the umbilical cord was cut.
"We've been watching this dirtball for a little over nine months," said Omaha Police Sergeant, Jim Marshall, "Our man on the inside was informing us about numerous atrocities that Mrs. Johnson was committing."
The most notable offenses were not feeding or clothing the baby for nine months. Mrs. Johnson proclaimed her innocence as she was led from here hospital bed to a nearby holding cell.
"You guys are crazy," she said, "My baby was living off food that I ate, and how the fuck do you clothe something that's lodged a foot up my vagina!?!"
In a related story Mrs. Johnson had an emergency blood transfusion late tonight because the surgeon forgot to sew up the C-section.
Barck Obama's Inauguration Day Schedule
Real News was able to obtain Barack Obama's enitre, 24-hour schedule for Inauguration Day.
12:00-6:32 A.M. --> Finishing sleep that began Monday night.
6:32-6:41 A.M. --> Lay around in bed and hit the snooze button.
6:41-6:5o A.M. --> Hit the snooze button again.
6:50-7:30 A.M. --> Shit, Shave, and Shower
7:30-7:59 A.M. --> Drive to staging area
7:59-8:00 A.M. --> Exit car
8:00-8:01 A.M. --> Enter Presidential Motorcade
8:01-10:31 A.M. --> Drive through D.C. as body double waves to the masses.
8:32-9:15 A.M. --> Madden Tournament in the car!!!!!!
10:31-10:32 A.M. --> Exit vehicle at the Capitol.
10:32-10:34 A.M. --> Ascend the Capitol steps
10:34 A.M. --> Sit in my chair
10:34-11:43 A.M. --> Update my facebook, and watch Bulls highlights on my Blackberry while Biden is inaugurated.
11:43 A.M. --> Stand Up
11:43-11:59 A.M. --> Get Inaugurated.
Come back tomorrow to see what Obama's evening is going to look like.
12:00-6:32 A.M. --> Finishing sleep that began Monday night.
6:32-6:41 A.M. --> Lay around in bed and hit the snooze button.
6:41-6:5o A.M. --> Hit the snooze button again.
6:50-7:30 A.M. --> Shit, Shave, and Shower
7:30-7:59 A.M. --> Drive to staging area
7:59-8:00 A.M. --> Exit car
8:00-8:01 A.M. --> Enter Presidential Motorcade
8:01-10:31 A.M. --> Drive through D.C. as body double waves to the masses.
8:32-9:15 A.M. --> Madden Tournament in the car!!!!!!
10:31-10:32 A.M. --> Exit vehicle at the Capitol.
10:32-10:34 A.M. --> Ascend the Capitol steps
10:34 A.M. --> Sit in my chair
10:34-11:43 A.M. --> Update my facebook, and watch Bulls highlights on my Blackberry while Biden is inaugurated.
11:43 A.M. --> Stand Up
11:43-11:59 A.M. --> Get Inaugurated.
Come back tomorrow to see what Obama's evening is going to look like.
Friday, January 9, 2009
BREAKING NEWS
RELIGION
Heaven shuts down after unexpected result in BCS Title Game
After Florida's exciting 24-14 win over Oklahoma in last night's BCS Title Game, God shut down HEAVEN and laid off all 200,000 employees.
"Those bastards didn't cover the over," said God from The Heavenly Pub late last night, "Everything I've built is ruined, and Ted keeps being a douche about it."
God was referring to the Las Vegas spread of 72 combined points between the Gators and Sooners, and the man he called a douche was Ted Satan.
All of HEAVEN's former employees and residents are pissed off.
"We knew it would happen eventually," said Saint Valentine, "The idiot (God) has been a degenerate gambler since the third Crusade."
Also HEAVEN's architects and designers are at a loss.
"After God bet on the Rays to win the American League pennant in 1945 he spent all of the 2.5 quadrillion dollars he won on televisions, spinning rims for the Pearly Gates, the heart and soul of Detroit, Pandora's X-Box, and a three million pound gold statue of himself."
Heaven shuts down after unexpected result in BCS Title Game
After Florida's exciting 24-14 win over Oklahoma in last night's BCS Title Game, God shut down HEAVEN and laid off all 200,000 employees.
"Those bastards didn't cover the over," said God from The Heavenly Pub late last night, "Everything I've built is ruined, and Ted keeps being a douche about it."
God was referring to the Las Vegas spread of 72 combined points between the Gators and Sooners, and the man he called a douche was Ted Satan.
All of HEAVEN's former employees and residents are pissed off.
"We knew it would happen eventually," said Saint Valentine, "The idiot (God) has been a degenerate gambler since the third Crusade."
Also HEAVEN's architects and designers are at a loss.
"After God bet on the Rays to win the American League pennant in 1945 he spent all of the 2.5 quadrillion dollars he won on televisions, spinning rims for the Pearly Gates, the heart and soul of Detroit, Pandora's X-Box, and a three million pound gold statue of himself."
Thursday, January 8, 2009
News From Across The Country
POLITICS
Barack Obama Fills Commerce Post
In a curious move President-Elect, Barack Obama, named the Monopoly Man to replace Bill Richardson as Secretary of Commerce. Obama released a statement earlier today about the nomination.
"Look.......I feel that....there is no better person to fill this post than the Monopoly Man. He knows how to distribute money equally.......and fairly. While many will point to his...........part in the mortgage crisis..........I believe that his..........expertise in............banking............and finance will make him a phenomenal addition to my economic team.
SPORTS
Oklahoma pulls out of BCS National Championship Game; Relinquishes Spot to U of Washington.
In a move of goodwill and charity, the University of Oklahoma has given their spot in tonight's BCS National Championship Game to the University of Washington.
"I know that they didn't win a game all year, but this is the season of giving," said Sooners head coach, Bob Stoops, fifteen minutes ago, "We feel that after all the hurt that Oklahoma brought on Washington for taking the Sonics we feel that its our duty to give them our spot against Florida tonight."
Sooners quarterback, Sam Bradford, was less than thrilled with his coach's decision.
"We are scheduled to play in two hours," said Bradford during pregame warm-ups, "How the hell do you think I feel?!?"
Barack Obama Fills Commerce Post
In a curious move President-Elect, Barack Obama, named the Monopoly Man to replace Bill Richardson as Secretary of Commerce. Obama released a statement earlier today about the nomination.
"Look.......I feel that....there is no better person to fill this post than the Monopoly Man. He knows how to distribute money equally.......and fairly. While many will point to his...........part in the mortgage crisis..........I believe that his..........expertise in............banking............and finance will make him a phenomenal addition to my economic team.
SPORTS
Oklahoma pulls out of BCS National Championship Game; Relinquishes Spot to U of Washington.
In a move of goodwill and charity, the University of Oklahoma has given their spot in tonight's BCS National Championship Game to the University of Washington.
"I know that they didn't win a game all year, but this is the season of giving," said Sooners head coach, Bob Stoops, fifteen minutes ago, "We feel that after all the hurt that Oklahoma brought on Washington for taking the Sonics we feel that its our duty to give them our spot against Florida tonight."
Sooners quarterback, Sam Bradford, was less than thrilled with his coach's decision.
"We are scheduled to play in two hours," said Bradford during pregame warm-ups, "How the hell do you think I feel?!?"
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The First Post of 2009
Welcome back to Real News. We thank you for waiting paitently as we have enjoyed the needed sabbatical. So with our return we look back on the year 2008, and give out the awards.
Man of the Year - Hillary Clinton; She was almost able to pass for the only female Democratic candiadte for President, but the American public was able to see that she really was just one of the boys.
Politician of the Year - Barack Obama; For bringing the brain back into the White House.
The In Over Your Head Award - Sarah Palin; When talking about foreign policy it isn't smart to talk about the view from your backyard or to give Katie Couric an I.O.U. about her domestic policies. However Palin was able to do both and a whole lot more.
The Dan Quayle Moron of the Year - George W. Bush; With the win Bush claims the award for the sixth consecutive year.
The Richard Nixon Douchebag Award - Rod Blagojevich; No man in American political history has been this misguided, narcississtic, or this much of a complete douche since Nixon. Blagojevich's hair was the runner-up for this award.
The Kobe Bryant Bad Life Choice Award - Plaxico Burress; He took a concealed handgun into a crowded nightclub, slid it into the loose elastic waistband of his sweatpants, and it just happened to go off. Yeah, righttttttttttttttttt.
Man of the Year - Hillary Clinton; She was almost able to pass for the only female Democratic candiadte for President, but the American public was able to see that she really was just one of the boys.
Politician of the Year - Barack Obama; For bringing the brain back into the White House.
The In Over Your Head Award - Sarah Palin; When talking about foreign policy it isn't smart to talk about the view from your backyard or to give Katie Couric an I.O.U. about her domestic policies. However Palin was able to do both and a whole lot more.
The Dan Quayle Moron of the Year - George W. Bush; With the win Bush claims the award for the sixth consecutive year.
The Richard Nixon Douchebag Award - Rod Blagojevich; No man in American political history has been this misguided, narcississtic, or this much of a complete douche since Nixon. Blagojevich's hair was the runner-up for this award.
The Kobe Bryant Bad Life Choice Award - Plaxico Burress; He took a concealed handgun into a crowded nightclub, slid it into the loose elastic waistband of his sweatpants, and it just happened to go off. Yeah, righttttttttttttttttt.
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