North, East, West, South (NEWS)

LIFE

Man dies juggling grenades

A strange and disturbing death has rocked the small town of West Bumfuck, Alaska to the core. 34-year old Peyton James accidentally killed himself after juggling three hand grenades at a family reunion last night.
"He was trying to impress his date," said his aunt Nancy James. "She died in the explosion as well. Its tough losing your niece and nephew on the same night."
Peyton was juggling three grenades when one went astray striking and vaporizing his date, and the second and third grenades landed on his head.
The autopsy results were inconclusive.

SPORTS

Pro Bowl Injury List

The most recent list of Pro Bowl injuries has been released.

AFC
Peyton Manning - Lack of testicular fortitude
Thomas Jones - Lack of relevance
Le'Ron McClain - Who???
Andre Johnson - He got a boo-boo
Brandon Marshall - Took the wrong plane
Tony Gonzalez - Lacerated while impersonating Scarface
Jason Peters - Sick of losing
Joe Thomas - Caught a case of Cleveland
Alan Faneca - Hamstring torn by Brett Favre's ego
Kris Dielman - Not in NFL records
Kevin Mawae - Caught psychosis from Vince Young
Mario Williams - Plagued by being drafted before Reggie Bush
Dwight Freeney - Hurt by being black
Albert Haynesworth - Head Trauma
Kris Jenkins - Labrum torn by Brett Favre's ego
James Harrison - Oxygen deprived
Joey Porter - Foot lacerated by South Beach sand
Ray Lewis - For playing in Baltimore
Nnamdi Asomugha - Pride hurt by playing in Oakland
Cortland Finnegan - Has too British of a name
Ed Reed - He's too damn good
Troy Polamalu - Still Hungover
Shane Lechler - Who cares about the punter?
Stephen Gostkowski - C'monnnnnnnn you knew there was going to be at least one Patriot
Leon Washington - Groin torn by Brett Favre's ego
Brendon Ayanbadejo - Sick of being a special teams player

NFC
Kurt Warner - Groin strain (Too much you knowwwww)
Adrian Peterson - Yo Adrian; you got a quartah
Mike Sellers - Sliced hands on his sales receipts
Larry Fitzgerald - Coach my pride's hurt
Anquan Boldin - Strained wallet
Jason Witten - Dallas
Jordan Gross -Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Walter Jones - And you are?
Steve Hutchinson - Pass
Chris Snee - Taking personal day due to Eli Manning
Andre Gurode -
Julius Peppers - Re-injured Achilles by stepping salt
Justin Tuck - Forgot to himself in his shirt
Kevin Williams - Too fat
Jay Ratliff - Where the fuck is he from?
DeMarcus Ware - Dallas
Lance Briggs - Injured from lack of offense
Patrick Willis - Injured while trying to become a 69er
Charles Woodson - Too much energy due to lack of Brett Favre's ego
Antoine Winfield - Decapitated
Nick Collins - Castrated
Adrian Wilson - Yo Adrian; how's the ego?
Jeff Feagles - Amputated plant leg
John Carney - Overdosed on New York media
Clifton Smith - Fuck it
Sean Morey - Lost in Tampa