Our Triumphant Return

PORK
Reverend Jeremiah Wright blames swine flu on God

Outspoken reverened Jeremiah Wright blamed the recent outbreak of swine flu on the Almighty. He voiced his concerns to Howie Carr on WRKO 680 radio in Boston.
"The other white meat is upon us. We must repent," said Wright. "For years we have shunned the "other" things and they have all come back to feast on the sinners. Satan, The View, and now the Swine Flu have been cast down by God to rid the sinners from our midst." Wright also went on to say that ham, bacon, and sausage is Satan's preferred breakfast.

No Jews affected by the swine flu

With the swine flu frolicing around the world one scetor of the population has been skipped over: Jews. One prominent Jew believes that he has the answer.
"Pork and its related products aren't kosher," said Jerry Seinfeld. "We aren't allowed to eat them."

SPORTS

Alex Rodriguez has anabolic steroids in his genes

In another twist in the Alex Rodriguez steorid saga it was released today that Rodriguez never took steroid; they were actually a genetic defect that didn't show up on the previous blood tests.
"I've never seen anything like it in my thirty years of practicing medicine," said Carl McLaughlin of the United States Anti-Doping Agency. "We found the defect Rodriguez's pituary gland located in the brain. Apparently two thirty-year old hispanic males were lodged in Alex's pituitary and were manufacturing anabolic steroids rather than the natural testosterone. We are baffled by how they were able to sneak the raw materials and machinery into Mrs. Rodriguez's vagina and we are investigating that now. We are calling it Trisomy 763."
Rodriguez was unavailable. He was planning his yearly October vacation.

SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

John Cena files a worker's compensation claim against World Wrestling Entertainment

After losing to Edge in a hellacious Last Man Standing match last Saturday at Backlash, former World Heavyweight Champion John Cena has filed a claim against the WWE.
"I was thrown into a fucking 7,000 watt search light," said Cena, who couldn't be seen during the press conference. "I gave my all on Sunday. I was cut, brusied, concussed, AND I was then forced to work the next night. How could a publicly-traded company be allowed to get away with this blatant violation of worker's rights?"
The WWE released a statement saying, "WWE Chairman Vince McMahon and the WWE writing staff are working on the formation of a Wrestler's union and will pay Mr. Cena's medical bills in full. Tune in to WWE: Judgment Day May 17 in Chicago only on Pay-Per-View!"

ANNUAL WHITE PEOPLES CONVENTION TO BE HELD TOMORROW DURING THE KENTUCKY DERBY IN LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY. BRING HATS!

BUSINESS

Chrysler apologizes for bankruptcy mix up

Apparently Chrysler isn't bankrupt, a mix-up with the show Wheel of Fortune caused the situation we are in now.
"We are very sorry about this," said the show's host Pat Sajak. "One of our contestant's two weeks ago was named John Chrysler and one of his spins landed on 'Bankrupt' and I joked that Chrysler is now officially bankrupt. I am sorry for the grave misunderstanding."
Chrysler Motors, which is trying to merge with Italian giant Fiat to stay alive released a statement late last night.
"We accept the apology put forth by Mr. Sajak. We will continue making cars that no one will buy and hope that we will survive the current economic situation."