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POLITICS

Portsmouth Town Hall Recap

Yesterday at his town hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire President Barack Obama finally explained to the American public how he planned to pay for his highly controversial health care reform bill.

"We will pay for the overhaul through a single cut in spending," said the President. "Everyone will change their insurance to Geico effective immediately. Since everyone can get insured in fifteen minutes or less we should be able to get everyone insured very quickly. So if everyone could get into a neat single-file line we could get you all insured as soon as possible. Thank you."

SPORTS

Tom Brady to play entire 2009 season in a plastic bubble

The New England Patriots are doing everything possible to make sure that starting quarterback Tom Brady stays on the field instead of a hospital bed this year.

"We have decided to enclose Tom in a plastic bubble for the entire year," said Patriots owner Robert Kraft. "We can't afford to lose Tom for another year, and we will do whatever it takes to keep him on the field."

Coach Bill Belichick was a little reluctant about having his star quarterback encased in polyurethane.

"I'm happy that he'll be safe but I don't know how he'll be able to throw," said Belichick. "I was going to try to utilize my great receivers but since throwing will be somewhat problematic I'm going to have to go to a run-first attack."