The Re-Up

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NEWS



Cash for Clunkers program expanded to include people



The recent Cash for Clunkers that reinvigorated the car industry was expanded last night in a marathon session in the Senate.

"With the positive reaction garnered by the recent Cash for Clunkers initative we've decided to expand it," said Pennsylvania Seantor Arlen Specter. "The program will now include the same $4,500 rebate for human trade-ins. It will be called Hundreds for Humans."

Specter wouldn't comment any further but the Senate financial committee did release a statement in the form of a flyer that read:



GOT MARITAL, FRIENDSHIP, OR OTHER PERSONAL PROBLEMS!?!?!

Then trade in your clunker of a friend, spouse, or business partner for a more relationship-effecient, and entertaining human.

Guys: Got a wife who is old, sagging, and a thorn in your side. Then take her down to one of the qualified Hundreds for Humans dealers and if she qualifies you'll get $4, 500 and a gorgeous 25-year old blond who knows how to please you in every way possible.

Ladies: Got a man who just sits on the couch all day, doesn't bond with the kids, and can't "rise" to the occasion? Then exchange him for a newer model with better packaging, more energy, and a $4, 500 dollar smile. Also a thousand dollar will be added if you Buy American. Thank you and God Bless.



RELIGION



Jesus gets a makeover



Jesus Christ called a press conference today outside of the Pearly Gates

"I've called you all here today to tell you that it's time for a change," said the Son of God. "I'm sick of not being recognized by the youth of America. Most of them recognize people like Lil Wayne, the Dos Equis guy, and that fucking McDonald's clown. So I have decided to resurrect myself yet again with a new persona. I will now go by the name "The Notorious S.O.G." and I will resign as the Almighty immediately to continue my rap career."

S.O.G. then released a sample of the song "The Savior" off his new album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again.

Chorus:

(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true prayer.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
Getting crunk with my apostles while we're all writing Bibles.
(I love the way you call me the sav-ia)
If you got a gun up in your belt you'll just burn up in hell.
Cause I see Mary Magdalene and she should be having my baby
Bay-bee