Monday Afternoon News

SPORTS

President Bush lays out plan to help Texas Rangers beat the heat

President George W. Bush called a press conference today to announce his plans to help his beloved Texas Rangers stay cool. The plan calls for covering the Ballpark at Arlington (Texas Rangers stadium) with a greenhouse dome.
"Well ya know, I know that them greenhouses help protect us from the Sun or something like that. So that's what we is gonna do to help keep the boys cool."
The Rangers are not pleased.
"What the hell? The dome makes the heat worse," said Rangers outfielder, Josh Hamilton, "Its stuff like this that makes me want to shoot up again. So I'm giving the Rangers two options: let me go or I'll play half-assed like Manny did."
"Mr. Hamilton is wrong," said the President, "Green is good and houses are good so greenhouses are super-good."

NEWS

Boston to eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet

No one was shocked when Boston's mayor, Tom Menino, announced today that Boston would eliminate the letter "R" from the alphabet and it replace it with the letter "H".
"We don't use the letteh "R" at all anyway," said Menino, "But we will continue to use it when it begins a wohd."
Many Bostonians are happy with the result.
"Finally I'll be able to spell Gahden cohhectly," said local bahtendeh, Paul O'Houlihan, "Evehyone knows that the Sox play at Fenway Pahk and the Pathiots play in Foxboho. We don't know why the rest of Amehica doesn't talk and spell like us."