News and such

SPORTS



Red Sox Nation to create their own country



The thousands of members of Red Sox Nation rejoiced today when they learned that they would become an official nation. The United Nations officially recognized Red Sox Nation during a meeting last night. The terms of statehood granted Red Sox Nation the first "fluid" membership, meaning that there is not one point on a map that will be pinned as Red Sox Nation. The capital cities of RSN will be sixty percent of Seattle, eighty percent of Baltimore, half of Tampa Bay, 75% of Toronto, and of course Boston. The nation will be based at Yawkey Way in Boston. general manager Theo Epstein is ecstatic with the result.
" We have been pushing for this result for years and to see it finally happen is a dream come true".
There will be strict guidelines within RSN, the most notable is how the benefits system will work. For all citizens who were legal RSN citizens before July 14, 2004 they will receive full government benefits including health care, salary, and free education. However for people who immigrated to Red Sox Nation after July 14, 2004, they will receive absolutely no government benefits.
"We call those people wagon-jumpers", said 78 year old, lifelong citizen, Hal McCarthy in reference to the post 2004 citizens, "They ought to be ashamed for doing that!"
The national anthem for the young nation will be "Tessie", the nation's colors will be red an white, and the nation's first president will be Terry Francona.

ENTERTAINMENT

Miley Cyrus to join G-Unit

Today the rap group, G-Unit, announced the addition of their newest member: Miley Cyrus.
"She's dope", said lead member 50 Cent, "She's a natural for this [expletive]"
Cyrus wasn't G-Unit's first choice; they were originally going after the Jonas Brothers until they realized that they were just [expletive] awful.
"They can't sing", said fellow G-Unit member, Lloyd Banks.
Miley Cyrus was thrilled after meeting her new band mates.
"It was like, awesome", she said, "The culture blend is going to be super cool. I can't wait to start working with my new [expletives]".