News Break

NEWS

Roger Clemens drops defamation lawsuit against Brian McNamee; files one against himself

Roger Clemens announced last night that he would drop his defamation lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee in favor of filing one against himself.
"Brian did nothing wrong but Mr. Clemens hurt me in ways that I may never recover from", said Roger Clemens, "I want Mr. Clemens to pay his dues".
While the full terms of the lawsuit have yet to be made public the main points of the suit forbid Mr. Clemens from saying anything else about or related to Roger Clemens publicly, and Mr. Clemens will have to pay Roger Clemens full reparations equaling nearly ten million dollars.
"The time for justice is upon us", said Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, "My client deserves what is right and fair. He is a simple, common, middle-class man like the rest of you and he wants to be treated as such".
Brian McNamee was happy yet quiet when asked how he felt about the lawsuit being dropped.
"It is what it is", said McNamee.

BUSINESS

Marlboro releases low-calorie cigarette

Marlboro Tobacco company became the first cigarette company to introduce low-calorie cigarettes into the marketplace when they launched their new line called, "Marlboro LC".
"Cigarettes have gotten have bad rap over the years due to the whole lung cancer thing", said Marlboro executive, Dick Hatch, "With our new LC line we will show the world that the cigarette industry is promoting weight loss and healthy living".
Hatch continued to say that the LC cigarettes were low-calorie because of the removal of three high calorie ingredients; bat guano, tar, and rat poison. With the removal of the aforementioned ingredients Hatch believes that "people will learn that cigarettes aren't all bad" and that the LCs would "go well with a health regimen because they won't fill you up".