Evening News

NEWS

Independent study places blame for low test scores on teachers, not students

An independent research firm released the results of their latest study titled: Teachers flunk in the classroom.
"After compiling results from the past five years it became quite clear to us that most of today's teachers do not understand the subject they are teaching", said study administrator, Larry Tykes.
"Tykes is a moron", said national teacher of the year, Drew Boras, from Omaha, Nebraska "I know teach better than any other person alive".
So I gave Mr. Boras a short quiz; The results were disturbing.

Q: Who were America's first three Presidents?
A: Jesus Christ, Tom Osbourne, and George W. Bush

Q: What is the capital of England?
A: Washington D.C.

Q: What part of speech is "he"?
A: A word

Q: When is New Year's Day?
A: Once every four years

Q: What country's national anthem is titled, The Star Spangled Banner?
A: Mississippi

When I showed Mr. Boras that he had miserably failed his test he grew quite angry.
"This is rubbish. You got fake facts", said Boras, "I knows that I am right and my kids is right too".


SPORTS

Brett Favre announces that his next retirement date

Brett Favre announced today that he was attempting to make a comeback after "promising" to stay retired after last season. He also stated when his next retirement date will be.
"After alienating everyone in Green Bay by August, I plan to return and perform like the run-down 38-year old that I am", said Favre, "After my next heartfelt retirement ceremony next January, I plan to make another comeback in 2011 and one in 2013 as well".
New Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was less than thrilled about the news.
"Go away!" he said.