MLB Trading Deadline Special

SPORTS

New York Yankees trade LaTroy Hawkins for entire American League

The New York Yankees continued their spending spree today by acquiring the entire American League for marginal relief pitcher, LaTroy Hawkins. The move increases the Yankees payroll up to approximately 1.2 billion dollars.
"We were going to trade for the National League as well, but then we realized that they just suck," said Yankees general manager, Brian Cashman, "We feel that it was a good deal for our organization."
The new Yankees lineup will be slightly better than the current one:
1 - Ichiro Suzuki
2 - Derek Jeter
3 - David Ortiz
4 - Alex Rodriguez
5 - Josh Hamilton
6 - Robinson Cano
7 - Torii Hunter
8 - Kevin Youkilis
9 - Joe Mauer

The bench will also include several good players:

C - Ivan Rodriguez
INF - Carlos Pena
INF - Dustin Pedroia
INF - Evan Longoria
OF - Grady Sizemore
OF - Jermaine Dye
OF - Vladimir Guerrero

The starting rotation will be marginal at best:

1 - Scott Kazmir
2 - Cliff Lee
3 - Joba Chamberlain
4 - Roy Halladay
5 - John Lackey

And then there is the bullpen:

RHP - Jonathan Papelbon
RHP - Mariano Rivera
LHP - George Sherrill
RHP - Troy Percival
RHP - Edwar Ramirez
Closer - Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod)

"I now think that we got a shot at taking the division," said Yankees owner, Hank Steinbrenner.


Boston Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez back to Cleveland

Manny will have to be Manny back in Cleveland as he was traded back to his original team for fictional players, Rick Vaughan and Willy Mays Hays.
"We got the best fictional players available," said Sox GM, Theo Epstein, "While they will never actually be able to play they should be able to help us get to where we need to be."
Many remember Rick Vaughan (who looks a lot like Charlie Sheen) as "Wild Thangggg!!!" Vaughan was apathetic about the trade.
"Who the hell cares?" said Vaughan, "I'll come in again in another key situation and strike out the mother [expletive] out in slow motion like I always do."
Willy Mays Hays was excited about the move.
"I am the greatest base stealer ever," he said, "Rickey Henderson ain't got nothing on me".
The Red Sox organization were cautious about Hays as he looks identical to convicted tax evader, Wesley Snipes.