Real News Tonight

NEWS

Man accuses sex doll of rape

A man in St. Louis, Missouri has accused his sex doll of rape.
"She forced herself on me", said "Rick", "I told her to stop but she kept coming".
In a report filed last night to St. Louis police "Ron" stated that the doll had "pulled down his pants and inserted Ron into herself". He later stated that "It was the most traumatic event of my life".
The sex doll was unavailable for comment.

SPORTS

Michael Jordan holds out for more money

Michael Jordan; who signed the biggest contract in NBA history last week with the Charlotte Bobcats is now going to hold out and demand a trade.
"This is nonsense", said Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, "We've been more than flexible with his demands and now that ungrateful player wants to leave Charlotte!?! We broke our contract with TimeWarner Cable to rename the arena after him and now this; it's disgusting".
Jordan's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said that Jordan can't succeed in Charlotte.
"My client wants out of Charlotte", said Rosenhaus, "He deserves better than playing for a lottery team".
Jordan has stated that he would like to return to Chicago.
"I love Chi-town", said Jordan, "I want to win another title there and make the Bulls faithful proud".
Jordan and Bobcats management won't give up.
"We are prepared to give Jordan what he wants to keep him in a Bobcats uniform", said Jordan.