Evening News

NEWS



White House foreclosed!



One of the nation's leading mortgage lenders, Countrywide Financial, foreclosed the White House earlier today.

"We need the money", said Countrywide CEO, Daniel Archibald, "The White House needs to pay taxes like the rest of us".

President George W. Bush was shocked upon hearing the news.

"I was opening up my new coloring book when Cheney walked in and told me that we had to go", said the President via conference call, "I thought that we were going outside to look at butterflies, but instead we had to go to the ranch in Texas".

Countrywide has not explicitly stated what it will do with the property, but both Hooters and Sears are interested in acquiring the "prime piece of real estate".



BUSINESS

Wal-Mart purchases Rhode Island; plans to make mega mall

Wal-Mart stunned the retail world last night by purchasing all 1,045 square miles of Rhode Island with plans on converting it into the world's first, "Continental shopping center".
"We are going to have everything in the store", said Wal-Mart CEO, Lee Scott, "The city of Providence will remain as is but everyone else who does not live in Rhode Island will become employees of the company". Scott continued by saying that each city would be a different department. Pawtucket would become the electronics department, Lincoln would become the adult entertainment area, and Woonsocket would become a hockey rink/brothel and all of the.
"We will be finished with the transition by early 2014", said Scott.
No one in the Rhode Island state legislature was available for comment.
SPORTS

Fenway Park solicits naming rights

America's ballpark: Fenway Park, will now take on the name of the company that signed a 30-year, $450 million deal with the Henry-Werner group: KY Jelly park.
"We are very excited to brand our name upon one of America's favorite sporting venues", said KY president, Dick Hardy, "We have several exciting renovations and changes for the ballpark.
The most notable change will be KY corner. KY corner will be dedicated to Kevin Youkilis; There will be the Kevin Youkilis Slip and Slide in which the player will have to slide through KY Jelly and reach second base before being thrown out by Youk, Kevin will sign autographs two hours before every Thursday night home game, and all patrons will be able to test KY's newest products."
John Henry said that it was all financial.
"I love the name Fenway Park, but I needed to re-coup the $700 million that I spent purchasing the team and naming rights were an easy money maker".