Mid-day News

NEWS

Republican Party replaces elephant logo with Roger Clemens

In a move that was expected for months, the Republican party replaced its original elephant symbol with Roger Clemens. Party officials were very pleased with the change.
"It is a great day to be a Republican", said GOP nominee John McCain, "Mr. Clemens represents the meaning of the Republican Party; he is old, angry, overpaid, and a cheater".
President George W. Bush also expressed his feelings of joy.
"Roger is from Texas just like me, and I like that", said the President.
Meanwhile the Democrats are brushing off the move as if it were nothing.
"We have a much better symbol than Roger Clemens", said Massachusetts senator, John Kerry, "The Democrats have been represented by the donkey for over a century. We don't feel the need to change it".
Roger Clemens refused to answer our questions saying that he "needed his hourly dose of vitamin B12".

ENTERTAINMENT

The FreeCreditReport.com singer reaches number one on the Billboard Top 40

Those catchy commercials for FreeCreditReport.com have really caught on as they have reached number 1 on the Billboard Top 40.
"How the hell can I compete with him?", said hip-hop star, Flo Rida, "Me and my boys are all singing about Shawty and getting crunk and then this guy comes around and is all original. My career is probably over man."
FreeCreditReport.com is extremely happy.
"It is amazing", said CEO Tim Harvey, " We have the most prominent commercial figure since the Aflac duck; it's just great".

BUSINESS

Euclidean Geometry sues the UFC over the use of the octagon

The math community is fuming over the Ultimate Fighting Championship's trademarking of 'The Octagon'.
"We can't teach it in schools anymore", said high school teacher, Shawn Clifton, "We have to say that a stop sign is a 'eight-sided polygon' rather than using the original term".
UFC president Dana White is less than gracious about licensing his term.
"If the mathematicians were dumb enough to let it go this long without trademarking the term, then screw 'em. They had their chance and they blew it".
The math community has no way to regain the use of the term 'Octagon', and reports are saying that they will replace it with "Octopusagon"