June 25th, 2008

NEWS

New York names New York City the new state capital.
New York city mayor, Michael Bloomberg's dream of have his city become the capital of the Empire State has come true.
"I am extremely happy with the result of today's vote", said Bloomberg, "Now we can move forward towards making New York a better state.
The vote that Bloomberg mentioned was the resounding 238-19 by the legislature to remove capital status from Albany and giving it to New York City. Today's vote is the culmination of a seven month battle that began when a prominent New York congressman said that "No one really cares about Albany" and that "New York City is the heart of this state".
The citizens of Albany are taking the news rather well.
"We saw the writing on the wall years ago", said a 45-year old Albany woman, "We are still very happy to be living here in Albany".


ENTERTAINMENT

Rosie O'Donnell's mouth goes on strike

After years of arguing and bickering with one another, the mouth of Rosie O'Donnell has gone on strike.
"I'm finally free", said the mouth, "For years I've been trying to escape the bonds of Rosie. The incessant blather that spews from her mouth has depleted me of my strength and the things she does in bed with her partner have scarred me for life".
The mouth said that he would return to Rosie's face once she lost weight and cleaned up her act. In the interim the mouth can be seen at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles every Thursday night.

SPORTS

WWE now the nation's number one sport

While most say that professional wrestling isn't a sport, the Nielsen ratings don't lie; the WWE is the most popular sport in America. The most recent ratings show Monday Night Raw tripling the ratings of ESPN's Monday Night Baseball.
"It is great to see my organization getting the respect it deserves", said WWE chairman Vince McMahon, "Our sport thrives on the element of surprise. You never know who is going to win".
Major League Baseball doesn't seem too worried about being second to wrestling.
"It's only June; no one cares about baseball until Labor Day", said MLB commissioner Bud Selig.
Only time will tell.

BUSINESS

Forrest Gump takes over as Apple CEO from Steve Jobs

In a shocking move Apple chairman and CEO, Steve Jobs, stepped down today and named investor, Forrest Gump as the new CEO. Jobs said that it was time for a change, and he wanted to get out while on top.
"I want to thank Mr. Jobs for being really nice to me", said Forrest, "I'm gonna do real good with this company".
Jobs will stay on as a consultant but Mr. Gump has already said what his first change would be.
"I'm gonna start a fruit division dedicated towards making tasty apples", said Gump.