Midnight News

FINANCIAL NEWS

Due to dollar weakening against the Euro, 50 Cent is now worth nothing

Due to the increased demise of the dollar multi-platinum rapper, 50 Cent is now worth nothing.
"With the Euro being one and a half times stronger than the dollar 50 Cent has become 'Free'", said Federal Reserve Chief, Ben Bernanke, "Hopefully the economy will recover and Curtis will be able to regain his spot amongst the discount section at the dollar store".
Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson seemed to be taking the news well when questioned by Real News.
"Yo man; I got like millions of cents in my bank account. I can juzt take fi'ty of 'em and put 'em on my name", he said.

RELIGION

Due to rising energy costs, Satan has to turn off the heat in Hell

Hell has frozen over; at least for the near future as Satan turned off the heat for the first time since the fall of the Roman Empire.
"I had to do it", said a pensive Satan, "We have been having enough troubles paying for the upkeep of the place and all of the asinine demands; the price of oil caused us to make drastic cutbacks".
Among some of the other cutbacks approved by the Hell Board of Trustees were to eliminate brimstone, remove Doritos from the snack counter, and brighten Hell up with Feng Shui.
"In the end it will look beautiful", said senior Trustee, the soul of O.J. Simpson.