Mid-day News Check

NEWS

Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences surpasses MIT as the number one science university in America.

The education world is still recovering from the report published today by The Princeton Review saying that the Tennessee Institute of Technological Sciences rated higher than the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The Review gave T.I.T.S the higher rating because of its "amazing anatomy department and state of the art biology and chemistry labs". The faculty at T.I.T.S. is very proud.
"We are finally getting credit for the work and education that goes on here in western Knoxville", said dean of anatomy, Chuck Yabo, "I think that T.I.T.S. and MIT are both the best in their given fields; MIT in physics and our university with anatomy and biology".
The faculty and students at MIT are less than gracious when talking about T.I.T.S.
"People know MIT; we have been breaking ground in the fields of physics and astronomy for years", said junior Max O'Rourke, "And now this!?! It's a travesty".
The folks at T.I.T.S. are very happy with their ranking, but they are more concerned with creating more scientific breakthroughs.
"It's very flattering to be selected number one", said Yabo, "but science will always be number one in my book".

SPORTS

Chad Johnson marries himself

Earlier this afternoon Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, Chad Johnson, married himself. The ceremony took place in Las Vegas and lasted ninety seconds.
"Well I still love my women", said Johnson, "but none were as perfect as me".
The rest of his Bengals teammates have yet to comment because they have yet to be granted parole, but we expect several to come in the near future. Chad Johnson and himself will go on their honeymoon in the Bahamas with several women in tow.