Five O'Clock News

POLITICS

Democrats counter Republicans logo changed by replacing the donkey with the Rolling Stones tongue

Yet again senator John Kerry flip-flops on another national issue as he announced today in the Senate chambers that the Democratic Party would change its logo to the Rolling Stones tongue.
"Ever since I've been in the Senate, Americans have said that Democrats open their mouths but nothing comes out; so we decided to show that we do embody that stereotype by changing the donkey for the Rolling Stones tongue", said the Senator today.
Other Democratic congressmen have showed their support for the new logo.
"I can think of no better logo", said North Carolina Senator, John Edwards, "Nothing represents the American people better than the logo of a popular British rock band".

BUSINESS

Hookers sue Viagra for increase in elderly customers

Members of the world's oldest profession are finally speaking out about the effects of Viagra on their industry.
"There's like more old, smelly dudes", said 18-year old Candi Eyez of Newark, New Jersey, "We don't like having to give them their medicine every fifteen minutes".
Viagra's effects are being felt from coast to coast.
"We can't help them", said 22-year old Bounci Bum of Los Angeles, "After going without sex for over a decade we have to teach some of these men where to put their 'thing'. One man actually fell asleep when we were having sex".
Viagra's parent company, Pfizer, was unavailable for comment.

LAW

Man who attempted suicide gets charged with attempted first-degree murder

A Nevada man who attempted to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills with Ipecac was charged in Carson City Superior Court with attempted murder.
"There is absolutely no doubt that it was pre-meditated", said prosecution lawyer, Alan Cochrane, "Our key pieces of evidence are the four suicide notes he left prior to each suicide attempt".
The man who will be called "James" is suing Ipecac for one hundred million dollars for punitive damages.
"Their product kept me from ending my life", said James, "They should pay for a faulty product".
Ipecac CEO, Nick Buckley, says that James has no case.
"Our product is designed to cause the user to vomit in order to empty his stomach of drugs and other substances".