Late-Night News

ENTERTAINMENT

Bill Clinton to become actor

Bill Clinton will drop out of politics and become an actor. He signed a contract with Mainline Entertainment to become its next big star.
"I am very excited about signing with Mainline", said Clinton via telephone earlier this evening, "This job will allow me to show off all of my talents".
Several other actors at Mainline were excited about the signing of Clinton.
"I'm looking forward to working with him", said Mainline actress, Jenna Jameson, "I'll get to see what he was all about".

SPORTS

Michael Jordan signs himself to the biggest contract in NBA history

Charlotte Bobcats general manager, Michael Jordan, signed himself to the biggest contract in NBA history: ten years, 230 million dollars.
"We needed to improve quickly", said Jordan, "And who better to improve a team than me".
The 45-year old Jordan will also sign a twenty-three million dollar signing bonus to go with his contract; all of which is guaranteed. He will also wear the third incarnation of the number 23. The former wearer of the number 23, Jason Richardson, was cut immediately following the signing of the contract.
"What the hell man?", said Richardson, "I'm eighteen years younger than Jordan; what the hell to out with the old and in with the new?"
Bobcats ownership terminated their contract with Time Warner Cable and will now call their arena the Jordan Center and all sections will be labeled MJ1, MJ2, MJ3, and so on.
For you die hard Bobcat "fan", Michael Jordan Bobcat jerseys on sale now at NBA.com and at local Charlotte outlets for 23 dollars.

NEWS

ExxonMobil buys out the Environmental Protection Agency

In an effort to curb the nation's deficit the Senate has passed a resolution to allow ExxonMobil to purchase the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).
"We needed the money", said Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, "And for 3.5 billion dollars we thought that it was a good business decision".
When EPA administrator, Christie Whitman, was asked whether or not the sale of her agency was worth it he said, "3.5 billion dollars is always worth it" and "I'm going to be dead by the time global warming takes effect. So why should I care?"
ExxonMobil has promised changes to the EPA.
"It will now be called the ExxonMobil Protection Alliance", said Exxon president, Steve Simon, "Our first act will be to drill holes for oil in Alaska, and f**k the caribou".

BUSINESS

Microsoft declares bankruptcy due to an unexpected result at the 2008 Belmont Stakes

In a fall from grace unseen since the Great Depression; Microsoft has declared bankruptcy. This comes three weeks after Bill Gates bet the entire company savings and budget on Big Brown at the 2008 Belmont Stakes.
"I made a bad choice", said Gates from his new apartment in urban Seattle, "For the first time in my life I was wrong".
As a result all but one of Microsoft's employees are broke and unemployed. The lone employee, Hal Carpenter, bet his entire life savings worth ten million dollars on Da'Tara, the 38-1 long shot who won the Belmont.
"Who is the smart businessman now?!", said Carpenter who is now worth $380 million dollars, "Suck it Bill, I'm going to take over Microsoft now".
Gates was unable to respond because he was working a double-shift at a McDonald's in Seattle.